so sad so sad

I just realized I never heard her laugh uncontrollably.

That I don't know how she have fun, the 9 months we were together it was always concern after concern after concern. 

I don't know anything about her other than where she works, who her friends and family are, and what she's going through.

No wonder I'm not as sad as people think I should be, there weren't any connections made. 

There's not a single thing that is so unapologetically her that makes me miss our time together.

Being with her means I have to entertain her, as if I'm a trickster serving a king. (not really, just want to be unnecessarily using fancy comparison). 

I don't know her favourite songs, I don't know whether she has had the experience of being so moved by art to the point of crying. 

So no wonder I don't feel like I lost something of value, it's because I didn't gain any. 

uwowk

Maybe it wasn't that lightly. 

Maybe it was too early, too quick, too pushy, the idea of having a girlfriend clouded my judgement.

Well I learnt something

Will try to list a few, and update this post whenever I remember something. 

A relationship can not survive differences in maturity. This is more than age-gap, this is about time taken by each individual to proactively learning about themselves, a psychologically aware life. It's a continuous learning, but the act should be there, taken deliberately. 

Certain degrees of difference can be tolerated, if it's too much, the mature one in the relationship will be the support and the other will enjoy the fact that they have support and take it for granted. 

But the support also have their own problems, you can't give when you have nothing left to give. 

Knowing what you want is important, and nothing that is inherently positive or negative about most wants, some wants a good fuck, some wants financial stability, some wants good conversation, lucky people can get their multiple wants from their SO, most compromises. 

But knowing what you don't really want is the most important, I find that I want a person that can function alone, and choose me because I add something to their life. But knowing that if and when I'm not there due to other circumstances, she can survive on her own. 

A hobby is a must, still relates to prior points, having a hobby no matter how small means they have something they love unconditionally. 

Also, healthy body weight, because I don't want my partner to develop illness. 

It's okay not having long term target, because more often than not, it's healthier to have small achievable short term target than big long term target. 

Losing 1 KG a week is less intimidating than losing 15kgs.

poop selapangan

Currently (like literally right now as I'm writing this) I feel attacked by this very specific kind of nostalgia, the bad kind.

There is one where you just reminisce about the old days, the "ah yeah we were young back then", this is a good one. 

What I'm feeling - and felt this multiple time for the past few weeks - is the kind of nostalgia where you end up asking "2009 is 14 years ago??"

14 years from 2009 is 1993, 14 years from now is 2037, I will be 46 by then. 

People from 2003 is celebrating their 20th birthday, people who were born when I entered high school is in high school right now. 

I'm 32 this year, I'm closer to 40 then I am to 20, but other than the fact that my ID card states that I was born in 91, and my body easily ache, I never feel older than 27, but now I met 27 year old person and thinking how they are so young. 

When I was 25, I felt that the time was running out, when I see 25 year olds now I tell them "you still have a lot to learn and explore", in a non-boomer way. 

Semua gara2 twit "kuliah 14 taun lalu tidak adu outfit" and 14 tahun lalu IS MY FIRST YEAR IN UNIVERSITY. 

Nih yang gue bingung even now, I still feel I don't know a lot - more than most people my age - but getting married or even buying a home feels like settling down.

I dont have a lot of money, buying a house right now means I probably have to drive a piece of shit old cars. I want to drive nice old cars - looking at you 2010 BMW 520i - and if I spend money on housing I can't buy that car?? 

Ah elah berak. 

Kek salah temenan nih gue, rang orang dah pada nikah