icy drinks

Everyday I have to remind myself to just keep doing things that I believe will benefit me in the future.

Keep being uncomfortable, be comfortable with the uncomfortable, to the point of enjoying it, keep doing it until it's natural, until your nerve system automates it. 

Now this is mostly about forming relationships, not just that kind of relationship, any human relationship. 

Sebagian besar relasi saya itu dipaksa kondisi, teman sekelas, teman sekelompok, teman sekantor. Relasi yang begini biasanya natural, ga ada timeline. Aturannya jadi berubah kalo ngomongin relasi yang itu.

Ada yang punya aturan kalo pdkt sebulan harus ada kejelasan, ada yang bilang udah ga perlu perjelas status, banyak aturan dan juga banyak non-aturan, aturan yang dipresentasikan seolah bukan aturan. 

Buat saya yang simpleton to the point of too simple - background hape saya hitam polos - yang begini itu terlalu ribet, terlalu tidak nyaman, jadi selama ini saya sok Sherlock, believing that I'm not made for this kind of relationship. 

But none of us are made for it, it's a mess, human are messy, the other side is as uncomfortable as me. Some are better prepared due to multiple factors, I am just not, at least relative to my age.

One reason is me thinking that I'm in survival mode - this was a fact - but training myself in regards of forming a relationship is still a necessity, it might even help. But I suck at multitasking.

It's the most and the least serious thing in life. 

I can't be anyone else other than myself, and my skill and I'm good at conversations, I'm a good listener, a thoughtful replier. I like kamen rider, but I also like Richard Linklater's films. I am insecure yet believe I can beat God if I want to.

All of these things are me. 

The only thing I can do is be myself to the point of abandon.

It's been less than a week bro, take the time, turn off the notifications. Live your life normally, adjust accordingly, enjoy the chaos. 

Relinquish the need to control, it's never in your control.

Be gentle, like holding a baby - thank god I know how it felt like - you have to have firm structure yet soft touch, strong so the baby does not fall, yet gentle so the baby does not hurt. 

The other side is betting the same thing - their feelings - treat it with the utmost respect. 

Put effort but also let things flow, like trapping that pass with you feet. 

before

Exactly 2 months sejak terakhir ngepost.

Few years ago I theorised that the older you get the harder it will be to get new friends. 

Fast forward today, I just get back from a trip with a set of friends that I acquired in just the past 6 years.

Technically what happened was these group of friends decided to add me to their group, and it was great, I am actually the youngest, probably the first time I'm the youngest at any group, took me a while.

Probably the best trip ever, zero expectations, no plan other that when to depart and when to go home, everything else is decided on the spot.

Got sloshed, helped sloshed friend the next day. 

Was great. 

your dog loves you

The thing about progress is that while you're in the middle of it, you can't really see it, you're too busy. 

After some time, you'll have enough time to rest, and look back, and realize how different everything are, you're different, your environment changes, your friends changed a bit. 

The thing about change and in turn progress, is that it's not permanent, because duh the only permanent thing in the world is the state of impermanence. 

So sometimes you regress a bit, because the past you and the current you are the same person, so more often than not, these multiple versions of you will fight, not the literal fight ala fight club, but you will change back and forth between old and new you. 

One thing I learnt recently is learn your triggers, it's mostly songs from certain event for me, but it can be anything. 

What's the point of this writing? It's mostly about reminding myself that I am capable of loving, might be not in what most people consider of loving, but hey I am not most people. 

It doesn't event have to be romantic love, it can be any act of service — holding a door for strangers, lending a hoodie, companionship — anything.

I read somewhere that modern society reduce the definition of love to be very narrow, when in fact there are multiple kind of love.

Why write this? It's mostly about me being grumpy because my plan for working from home this Monday failed.