epilogue

Joko Anwar tweeted

Indonesia has been increasingly intolerant. I don't recognize my country anymore. :(

— Joko Anwar (@jokoanwar) December 26, 2017

I can see where he is coming from, but for me, it's always been the illusion of tolerance.

Our tolerance is not the real one, it's a case of "as long as you're not being insolent, we're happy to let you live here"

emphasis on "let", implies that for native majority, they have sense of ownership, they own Indonesia, whatever that means, and other races are just sleeping in the couches.

Yeah the analogy is rude, but it's good for shock therapy.

they "let" other races live here for hundreds of years, and now they think that other races wants to take over their land.

fun fact dipshit, we're all immigrants, we're all fucking Africans, learn about human migration, open books other than your holy scripture.

and don't let me start on religions, Indonesian local religions is dead as far as I'm concerned, the six religions recognized by Government, all of them are imports, none of them are true Indonesian religions.

well, religions are kinda stupid.

another fun fact, loving your country is the stupidest concept i have ever heard, i pay taxes, i literally pay to live here, it's never "your country is giving it to you", it's always "you're country is managing your money"

ga ditonton malah menang

I have a thing for words, sentences, poems, or a prose.

Any set of words that can pull a string in me, makes me go "ah shit" or "wadaw", i'm on it.

I mean i like to write, it makes perfect sense that i like to read other people writings.

But there's something about sad writings, whether it's about unrequited love, lost friends, or even about the absurdity of life, how in the grand scheme of things, we're just a part of cosmic dust, figuratively speaking.

I mean, I'm currently not in love, i have few people that i thought "oh cute" and I like talking to them, but not in love, don't have a crush either. The last time I've been in love is like 9 years ago, if i'm being a jerk and tell myself that I'm not in love in the only relationship i had at that time 9 years ago, that means I've never been in love, but that's semantic and being an asshole.

Not saying i'm a robot, I have close friends who grew apart just because, I have liked someone, or even crushing hard on someone, and of course with it being unrequited, i too have felt sadness, but the bigger the feeling, the feedback will be worse as well. Having your crush not liking you back is already sucks, imagine being in love.

I guess with the quotes and the poems and the prose, is that it gives me a glimpse to that sensation, the sensation of being truly in love - not a fling, a crush, or a infatuation, but love - and in turns, how broken heart feels.

I guess that's why i like reading those quotes and poems and prose, because i'm shit with my emotion and reading other people putting it into words helps me putting my emotions into things that i can understand - a collection of words, sentences.

But hey, any kind of quotes that makes me "that's good" is cool, like this one;

"Let the past die, kill it, if you have to" - Kylo fucking Ren.

(y)

It's December, it's already the end of the year, which means now is reflecting time.

Well well well, where do I start?

This year started with me passing my probation period at work.

Bought a motorcycle on May.

And the last 6 months is nothing short of breathtakingly awesome, whatever that means.

On July I decided to lose some weight, i was 89 kg, it was too much.

On August my senior at the office resigned, fate force me to step up and take responsibility.

On August as well i'm having a crush on someone for the first time since 2013, a crush so hard it forced me to re-evaluate everything about myself, about what i want to do and what i want to have in life.

A crush so hard, it broke every mental defense i've set.

On September I said yes on a blind date offer, first time in my life. At that time it felt like it could go somewhere, at that point i felt like everything is on track, but like everything in life, shit happens.

But the difference is that this time I'm not letting it affect me that much.

Yes there are conflicting feelings of anger, sadness, and disappointment, but also thankful, because at that point, at certain moments, i was genuinely happy.

Suffice to say nothing much has changed since then, but there are few notable changes that i can't put a timeline.

I lost 10kilos, currently at 78-79kg, depends on whether i pooped or not.

My effort of repeatedly buzz-cut my hair finally negate a decade of me having shitty curly, now it's wavy.

I eat better, i dress better, i think better, i'm letting myself feel things.

I'm happier, i guess.

I mean when the transition happen, i can't really differentiate the before and after, there's no one single moment where my state of mind changed, it's a gradual process of wising up.

I feel content with everything i have control over, i mean i would like to increase my height to solid 180 but i have no control for that.

I think, with life, that "one moment" doesn't exist, I mean the eureka - the point of realization - is there, but it arrives after the process.

Imagine you're friends with someone, after years then you finally realize "ahh, I can't live without her/him"

You don't suddenly become close friend, it's a process.

The moment of realization arrive after you're putting in the effort necessary, whether you put it consciously or not, like that math test, you tried and tried with all possible formulas, then after so many failures you realize where you were wrong before, but it comes after trying.

I guess why a lot of us are afraid of getting it wrong in life because some mistakes will take a lifetime to recover, compared to bad math test where you can improve on the next test next month, if you fall in love - and fall deep - to someone who happens not to love you back, man, can't imagine how that feels.

then there's the pride, that you fail, and you feel people judge you for it. well, some do, but most won't care.

If i can meet myself from a year ago, we definitely will have a hell of a discussion about a lot of things, but probably most of it would be about us.

Go!

I can't play any fucking music instrument to save my fucking live, but I don't think i can live without them.

I've always wonder why music have become a huge part of my life, i can't remember the time where I don't have an earphone/headphone with me.

It started from listening to radio in my room, ultra MP3 on that Nokias, to built-in MP3 player, to iPod.

iPod nano changed my life.

I mean yeah, listening music on your phone means the capacity is limited, and the average size of your average mp3 files were 1Mb, and your average memory is 128mb, that includes other data.

8Gb iPod nano changes everything, i could have thousands of it, managing my music collection and creating playlist(s) to fit my mood becomes a thing that i take very seriously.

Back to the main theme of this post.

I think I like music a lot because in some sort of cosmic coincidence, someone, somewhere, producing this art - the lyrics and the music, it's a package - that somehow i can relate to.

and i don't know why i relate to music in a way that is different than me relating to other people.

Maybe because a lot of these music is a nakedness of thoughts, and relating to thoughts is a whole different beast.

And finding out other people likes the same music as I do felt like finding a long lost friend.

I mean of course liking the same obscure thing does not mean you're meant to be friends or a soulmate - just like i found out myself - but it is a start, a window of knowing someone.

Finding out new music that you know you'll like is a great feeling, but finding a new music in a new genre that you know you'll enjoy is the greatest feeling, the fact that it's a genre you're new with means there's a shitload of things to discover.

Then the question arise, what kind of music I like?

Despite being the technical snob that I am - I love technicality, it's indisputable - music, like any art, it's about invoking feeling with its use of melody and lyrics and whatever the artist could use.

Take Arctic Monkey's 505 for example, 

But I crumble completely when you cry

the way the music plays - before and after - and how Alex sang that part means a lot.

So yeah.

I give up to logically explain why I like something - or someone. 

I know why I like them, because they invoke feelings inside me, and anything that invokes any feeling is worth remembering.

Do I wanna know

Encounter pertama sama Arctic Monkeys itu masih inget banget.

Temen gw yg library music nya terkini banget, ngomongin band yg nama nya Arctic Monkeys sama temen gw yg lain.

Karena gw lagi bosen sama lagu2 di hape gw, ya gw minta bagi aja via Bluetooth - those were the days man.

When the sun goes down

Itu lagu Arctic Monkeys pertama yg gw dengerin, and the rest is history.

Kenapa nulis ini? Ya gatau juga, tiba2 keinget aja.

Dan gatau kenapa gw ga pernah bisa inget pertemuan pertama gw dengan musisi lain, tapi Arctic Monkeys berkesan banget.

Mungkin karena waktu itu temen gw udah pessimis duluan, "bukan lagu lo banget deh"

Siapa yang sangka sekarang gw anaknya brit rock banget #ciegitu

Architecture won't do

Saya ini kan ngeh ya kalo ada orang asing yang sering papasan di satu tempat, misalnya di kantin kampus dulu, ato klo sekarang ya di tempat ngerokok kantor, ato tempat makan sekitaran kampus.

Engeh disini bukan berarti naksir ya, engeh eksistensi aja, kayak kalo misalnya tb2 nasib mempertemukan kita di situasi dan kondisi lain, misalnya ternyata punya mutual friend gt, trus kemudian dikenalin, pasti saya engeh dan bilang "eh situ yg kerja disini juga kan", gitu.

Ato kalau sampe mati pun cuma jadi orang2 yg sering nongkrong di tempat yg sama tanpa pernah kenalan pun, entah kenapa kok ya saya melankolis sendiri gt.

Mungkin kita semua saling ngeh, mungkin nggak.

Semacam ratusan garis yang parallel tapi tak pernah bersentuhan.

Ratusan ribu keputusan hidup dan jutaan faktor lain membuat puluhan orang ini nongkrong di satu tempat, tapi tidak pernah bersinggungan.

Mungkin sebaiknya saya ga dengerin/baca lagu2/buku2 yang saya dengerin/baca akhir2 ini.

Tapi mungkin ada hubungannya kondisi mental saya dengan lagu dan buku yang saya dengar dan baca akhir2 ini.

Tapi mana yang duluan juga gatau, ini masalah ayam dan telur.

No Buses

Those who says negative feeling brings nothing negative outcome needs to see me asap, because i'm going to tell you a story of how I lost 10 Kilos in 3 months out of spite and hatred.

Let's go back to circa 2008-09, where i was at my peak, at least physically.

I play football 3 times a week + PE lesson in school.

I'm not saying I'm a good football player, but try play serious football in HS level for a year, where you maintain your diet, and that 2 hours of training is real training.

At that time i weight around 73,5-75KG

Fast forward 9 years, in June 2017 I weight 89Kg with most of it in my tummy.

I have a friend with that weight and similar height but his fat are distributed quote nicely.

In the middle of July, a office mate found my HS photos and how skinny i was and the whole office explodes.

One sentence stings the most

"Fuck, what happened in that 9 years?"

Yeah nah, I don't know.

If i have to create a timeline, a 6 months break between College transfer adds 5 kilos, and 6 months break between my first job and current job adds another 5 kilos, and all the summer vacation between semesters adds another 1-2 kilos on their own, so there it is.

That when it clicked, I hated my body, i hated how it moved when i play any kind of sports, i hated how it looks, i hated everybody who said shit about my body everytime we meet just to make them feel better about themselves.

Yeah, my motivation is as negative as it could get.

It's like "I want to get beautiful to make that one person regrets rejecting me" but slightly worse because i hate everyone who said shit at every meeting about my body and that's a shitload of fucking people.

Long story short, here i am, three months later, at 78.7 kilograms, loss another 3 kgs and i'm back on my best weight.

Yeah, i'm fucking petty, but this pettiness made me lose 10 kilos.

Especially when i'm at that age where everyone else are having a kid and can't control they weight because they just don't have time.

I'm done saying "shit i'm so fucking fat" while rubbing my fucking disgustingly fat belly, if i feel like the current weight is not enough, i work harder at controlling my food intake.

Even at dieting i choose the easiest way: less calories in, more calories out, until i get there.

Well, this happens quite nicely because actually i have a fucking awesome metabolism.

which helps.

yeah, life is not fair.

Ga bisa tidur part 2537194528

Uwes.

Akhir2 ini rasa nya kok idup cuma kayak passing moments aja ya.

Bangun, mandi, ngantor, kerja diselingi canda tawa, wes abis itu pulang.

Kalo diliat big picture nya, ya idup bukan nya memang gt2 aja ya.

Gimanaya, kok malem ini abstract sekali kepala saya.

Iya hidup itu kumpulan momen numpang lewat, tapi bukan berarti momen yg numpang lewat itu percuma.

Sebenernya ini semua gegara lagu Streetcar nya Daniel Caesar yang ternyata cover dari lagunya Babang Kanye.

Intinya saya sekarang gamau lagi momen numpang lewat itu beneran numpang lewat doang.

Saya dulu peduli bgt sama success rates, tp karena peduli bgt, jd jarang nyoba.

Padahal klo main bola mah bodo amat, kmrn saya punya 20+ kesempatan tapi cuma gol 3, ya jelek bgt conversion rate nya.

Tapi

Those 3 goals felt so fucking good.

Mengingat paginya masih mencret2 dan malemnya hattrick itu jos betul.

Kalo di pikirin ya, karena saya tau seberapa menyenangkannya mencetak gol, saya rela melakukan semua yg perlu saya lakukan untuk mencetak gol.

Ga perlu di analogi-in sih, itu di atas udah analogi.

---

Ku masih Belum bisa move on dari soundtrack Kimi No Na Wa garapan Radwimps.

Kok iso dapet bgt feel of longing nya itu.

Kayak tau kita ada kurang/dikangenin/di pengenin, tapi gatau apa.

Itu pun sebelom baca terjemahan liriknya, setelah baca makin makin.

--

Discover Weekly nya Spotify itu godsend

Bisa2nya mereka rekomendasi lagu dari band indie Thailand yg kemudian cucok parah.

Dan baca penjelasannya pun cuma bisa geleng2, selain taking into account genre dan artist - biasa bgt - mereka juga baca pattern musik nya.

Abad 21

Bener2.

Bangun kepagian karena mencret

Sekarang sedang dikantor, nunggu macet sedikit pudar, ditemani kumpulan chat, email, dan telpon yang belum saya balas dan dibalas.

I've spent the past few years of my life looking for something, but i don't know what is it, but i know there's something missing.

In the past few months, i've finally figured it out, it's my feelings.

I've spent the past few years thinking that being vulnerable means being weak, that it means giving something or someone else the power over me, it means I have no control, and i hate not having control over myself.

But it turns out, setting up all these rules and barriers to keep myself safe, it made me miss a lot of things.

Because i'm an International Relations graduate with 2.95 GPA, let me use Japan pre Meiji Restoration as an example.

Japan used to be isolated, yes it made their culture safe, it made them safe from outside interference, but it also made them fall behind the rest of the world.

Which also kind of the same for me, i shut people off, even my close friends.

Yes I still talk to them once in a while, but usually it's only on social media comments, the most non-committal way to communicate.

But things changed, I'm trying to change.

Well being vulnerable is good, it's a lot like when you tried that risky through pass, once in a while it works, and when it works, it's really beautiful.

Oh and Photography, i'm doing it again.

5 years not honing my skills means it's rusty, but like a lot of instinct-based things - riding a bike, driving a car - the basic will stays there.

and I love spotify's discover weekly.

Peace and Magic

Bahwa sejatinya, inspirasi itu bisa datang tanpa diduga.

Ini bukan soal inspirasi sih harusnya, sebenarnya semacam momen Eureka, atau Epiphany ya, bentar saya google dulu sinonim-nya

Salah semua ternyata, mungkin lebih tepatnya momen kesadaran kali ya.

Jadi kemarin hari Jum'at, kantor yang biasanya masih hidup dan penuh tawa minimal sampai jam 10, entah kenapa jam 8 sudah sepi, dan saya pun pulang jam 9 meskipun sebenarnya belum mau.

Ini bukan soal saya ga kangen rumah, ini soal macetnya Jakarta yang ga bisa di-toleransi akal sehat saya, padahal saya sudah naik motor yang notabene-nya tidak akan semacet kalau naik mobil.

Di tengah kemacetan Jakarta, ditambah kombinasi capek hati dan capek fisik, saya berhenti begitu melihat sebuah minimarket, beli teh botol.

Sebelum saya naik motor, saya memandang nanar macet yang ada di depan saya, kemudian saya mengeluarkan nafas panjang, yang kayaknya cukup kencang, karena tiba-tiba pak tukang parkir minimarket depan saya bilang, 

"Semangat Mas"

Kemudian saya kayak sadar sendiri, ini cuma macet, bukan saya ga bisa bayar cicilan motor atau orang tua meninggal, lagi-lagi in the grand scheme of things - saya masih belum nemu terjemahan yang cukup asik untuk kalimat ini - macet itu cuma tantangan kecil yang sebenarnya ratusan orang di depan mata saya saat itu juga alami.

Saya tiba-tiba mengalami momen sonder, sadar kalau tiap-tiap manusia di-depan saya ini juga punya kehidupan yang kompleks, dan karena nasib saja sekarang kita semua kena macet ditempat yang sama.

Lalu kepala saya jadi enteng, dan perjalanan pulang tiba-tiba terasa sedikit lebih ringan.

Trus sampai rumah saya merenung, dan saya sadar kalau penyebab semua ini adalah capek hati.

Capek fisik tapi mood senang itu beda, istirahat fisik itu mudah, hitungannya jelas, capek hati itu lain lagi.

Apa ya, karena suka ga jelas juga obatnya apa, bisa lagu, bisa buku, bisa puisi, bisa sms dari si dia, bisa "semangat mas" dari kang parkir alfa mart.

Ngomong2 semangat mas, ini kedua kalinya saya diselamatkan random kindness orang asing, yang pertama itu berkesan banget.

Ceritanya sama, males kuliah tapi harus kuliah, jadi tetep harus berangkat dengan muka sungut.

Di pintu tol bintaro, bayar tol, saya yang biasanya bilang makasih kali ini diem aja, tapi pas saya liat penjaga tolnya, seorang bapak-bapak, mungkin 50an, mukanya senyum tulus sambil bilang, "makasih mas"

Makasih-nya ga seberapa, senyumnya yang bikin malu.

Bapak ini udah tua, harusnya udah bisa pensiun dengan tenang, bukan jaga pintu tol.

Tapi dia jaga pintu tol dengan senyum, lah saya lagi naik mobil ber-AC mau kuliah biar jadi orang bener malah sungut.

Kalau yg baca bingung inti post ini apa, saya juga, karena ini sudah setengah 2 pagi dan pikiran saya sudah ga terstruktur dengan jelas.

Misalnya tiba2 saya mau bahas kalau sekarang link menuju blog ini ada di Instagram saya.

Kemarin tanggal 1 Oktober mulai lah inktober, saya klik hashtagnya, ga semuanya gambar bagus, banyak banget pemula, kalau inktober yang saya buka punya-nya ilustrator DC Comics, tentu saja jiper, tapi ini orang-orang yang nekat menyiarkan karyanya ke dunia.

Yah mungkin itu esensi berkarya, salah satu usaha untuk reaching out ke dunia yang menurut saya makin dipikirin makin absurd ga karuan.

Makanya sekarang saya naro link blog ini di Instagram saya, kalau tiba2 ada yang buka ya saya makasih aja, toh saya juga gapake adsense, ga dapet duit.

Yah kalo ada pembaca baru yang nyasar kesini, ya inilah saya dalam keadaan telanjang.

90% post di blog ini ditulis dalam keadaan setengah ngantuk atau setengah sadar dibawah pengaruh bisolvon, ditambah keahlian saya untuk meracik playlist yang bikin galau tapi cuma saya yang galau karena isinya lagu-lagu yang punya arti buat saya doang.

Kalau dulu saya agak takut, takut dibilang apa gitu, sok deep lah, misalnya, biasa orang nyinyir.

Tapi saya yang sekarang sudah ngga peduli, kalau tiba-tiba ada orang yang merasa isi hati-nya terwakilkan oleh tulisan saya, satu orang saja, maka semua usaha saya selama ini akan terasa worth it - masih ga nemu terjemahan asiknya.

Karena saya juga pernah ngerasain gitu, blog orang yang isinya saya banget, sampe saya sedih ketika empunya blog memutuskan pensiun karena hidup makin ribet.

Yah namanya juga hidup, kalau gampang namanya main gundu.

Ngomong-ngomong hidup, people changes, life happens, deal with it.

A draft I need to publish as a reminder for myself

i think i need help.

no, i am not thinking about suicide, this is something worse than that.

suicide means game over, and it's the most selfish way to die, but you die.

but this is something worse than suicide; you're getting less and less empathetic as years gone by, but you can act as if you're a functional human being.

i can't relate with a lot of things, i can logically understands it, but i can't feel it.

take other people being happy because they get married. I can logically understand that my friend is happy, she/he found someone who is hopefully the love of their life, they'll build a family, hopefully only death do them apart.

but i'm not happy, why should i? it's not my life, yes they get married, but i still have to go to work just like before they get married, their big event is just another marriage reception i have to attend.

i can see when someone close to me is sad, in fact i'm quick at noticing the change of atmosphere of people around me, but because i trained myself to it, because i misread shitload of situations before.

i don't have friends i want to meet on the weekend, i don't have anything i look forward to other than slates of movies and comics and movies

i'm going auto, i need help

**

I should have realized when I was writing this that I need help.

But I do get help, for a whole lot different reasons, but it helps.

I guess this post is buried among hundreds of drafts that are too personal to share, but I need to share this as a reminder, how my mind works at that darkest moments.

And to think this was written in January.

Sleepless Rainy Nights

"if you really want it you'll fight it" is good and dandy if what you really want is a thing, not someone.

Someone brings unpredictability to the calculation, the only variable we can't control.

I think if fighting for what you really want is perseverance, then knowing when to stop fighting and channeling your energy to something else is wisdom.

Because sometimes, that certain someone just won't get into you, no matter how hard to try.

For me, when it works, it just works, not just in that particular problem, but even when playing team sports, you'll know when it works, it feels effortless.

Sure you'll have to put an effort, running, kicking the ball, etc, but it feels effortless, if feels just right.

It supposed to feel like home, like you're always belong here, and suddenly life is getting a little brighter, a little colorful, a little pastel.

Don't mistake the feeling of effortless and not putting an effort, because when I liked the subject in my college days, I'll put the effort, but it would feel effortless.

Why writing this?

Well shit happens, and I just got home from drunk story sessions with office mates, well, they're much more than office mates now, they're friends.

One person said this very thing, which got me thinking, how do you know it's enough? Where is the line? That when it goes past that line, it's okay to give up.

The answer is I don't fucking know mate, life is a gamble, I guess.

I hate life, I hate the fact that there is no exact rule as to how to live a life.

But I think that's the beauty of it.

The fact that despite getting thrown into this shitty life we're not asking, we survive.

I guess I just want that sense of longing.

That I belong to somewhere, someone

Maybe I ask too much.

Me, Myself, and I - Part 2 kayaknya udah pernah pake judul ini dulu

Feelings is never my strong suit, well it was until i was 5 according to my mom.

As far as i remember i've never feel a great joy nor a great sadness, but i do feel both.

I feel joy when i buy something i've always wanted for a long time, i feel sadness when i realise that there are some people who actually very alike but because one or both of them decided to hide their real face for unknown reasons, they never know how similar both of them are.

But Love, have I ever feel love? Have I ever been in love?

What is love? Is wanting the other person to be yours can be considered love? What’s the difference between love and limerence? 

I do feel and understand attraction, but love? I know it started from surface attraction, whether it was physical, or something else – the love object likes the same thing, for example.

If I have to use my limited experience in courting female as a case study, it would be very limited, but I have no other data so here we are.

All of it started with a sudden burst of attraction, then an infatuation.

A crush.

Crushing means her response is the greatest drugs our brain could ever experience, and her rejection will drive us to the depth of disturbing self pity.

Crushing means we’re going to talk to them, whatever the topic would be, we just need to talk to them.

Then this is where shit happens.

At least for me, she must be able to keep the conversation going, not in a keep-talking-in-12-hours-nonstop way, even though that would be the ideal, but the ability to have a witty conversation is a must, boringness is the deal breaker.

Then the boring parts, trying to read something in between lines while giving obvious question to check the compatibility, what kind of movie do you like? What kind of music do you listen to? What makes you tick? Do you think Hospital Cinere is the stupidest name in the whole world on the basis that it was grammatically wrong in every level imaginable? Do you think dog understand that we love them so much?

Then you check all the lists you have, when the score is above 60 you think you can commit to this person.

But this is all logic, and even I know that love is not like that.

So what is love? On what basis that someone decides that they love someone else? On what basis that someone decided that "yes, let's be exclusive"

I don’t know about love, but I know when I like someone, not necessarily in romantic way

If I decide to talk to you eventho it’s about nothing, you bet I like you.

If I ask you how you’re feeling, you can bet 100k that I like you and you’ll win 100k because you’ll win.

Fuck, if I decide to let you in into my shitty boring life, you bet your ass that I think you’re good.

Because I hate people, I hate them a lot, I hate the fact that they can be so fucking stupid and not aware of it.

The  fact that I tolerate you means that  in my eyes, you’re already better than most people, because I just don't  ask “what are you doing right now?” because I don’t care, other people mundane life means nothing to me, I hate mundane things, but your mundane things is at least something.

The problem is differentiating the friendly likes and the like likes.

I mean, like I have always said, I have no problem being alone and slightly lonely, but I also have no problem having someone who doubles as mild disturbance and emotional support.

People reading this would probably think why the fuck do i need to write about this, you'll just know when you like someone, right?

The problem is, I don't.

When I try to recall about my last girlfriend, it's a combination of infatuation and the fact that we talked almost everyday about everything, then one day the feelings just gone. When it's gone i have no problem breaking up because continuing such relationship is bad for both of us, i would have to lie and she'll have to endure relationship based on a lie.

My problem with myself is that i have to understand the logic for me to be able to accept it.

You can say it's a defensive mechanism to avoid getting broken heart, because it's sucks, and i hate sucks.

And this is what i would write if i were still the old me.

I mean i still don't really understand feelings, but instead of putting it on a pedestal and focusing too much on logic, I'll try to use my logic to help me understand my feelings as much as possible.

thank you

Hidup saya sedang gonjang ganjing.

I won't say the cause, but i must say it makes me reevaluate my life, what is important and what isn't.

In the past few years I've been putting price on things, like how much marriage worth? is it worth it to go on a date for 300k? Is it worth it to spend i don't know, 1 million a day so you can have fun with your closed ones?

Well, i think the answer is yes.

Because the value of sharing your life is worth more than a mere 300k - but i mean be realistic, i'm not saying that you shouldn't calculate your budget - but in the grand scheme of things, it is worth it.

I've set up these rules, what i should do and shouldn't, one of them is that if the ending is bad, why the hell do we put an effort in it?

But like movies, and musics, just because it ends doesn't mean we can't enjoy it while it lasts.

This event makes me reach out to people, it make me realise that i have this pent up feeling on my chest that i have to let go.

And reaching out i am.

I used to accept that i will end up lonely, that my friends will move on with their life without me, and how wrong was i.

one of my friend, just because i chatted her, knows i have something to talk about.

I always take pride in my ability to perceive things, how aware i am with my surroundings, with my feelings, but it always comes from detachment, as if i was a bird looking from above, but i guess it felt nice to know people observe you as well, that she can find out what my intentions were just by chatting.

It felt nice knowing people care about you, and i think i should remind myself about this everyday

that i deserve to pursue something that makes me happy, no matter how futile it might seem, i mean if it fails - like that through pass i tried few days ago - at worst you'll learn something new from your mistake.

I think the obvious take away is that i deserve to be happy, well, we all deserve to be happy.

I continue to think that i have a checklist i need to complete, and  only by then i can start trying to be happy, but isn't it better to have support system - be it a circle of close friends or a significant other - while doing that checklist thing.

I mean if she/he/they really feel you're worth it - and i think we're all worth something to somebody - they wouldn't have any problem to help you - us - to get to that point in life where we feel content.

Borrowing from Pacific Rim, we all need someone to share the neural load of riding Jaeger to face life.

You know what, i'm going to reread that chat again, and just admiring the fact that i have friends that will support me, my uncle ben's and my aunt may's, my mary jane watson's and my harry osborn's

Oh and my sister, these past few days have been awesome for both of us, addressing things that needs addressing.

And my playlist changes from slow and sad love songs to happy and upbeat love songs.

All in all, this helps me to come to terms with my soul.

Suddenly i think about what other people think when they see me turn into someone who is so bitter and pessimistic.

Well, if this thing ends up not working, at least i have this.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

I always take pride on my ability to see between the lines and understanding new and/or complex idea at the shortest time.

I like analysing things, it's where the fun comes from you know? whether that dude likes that girl or whether that girl likes him back? Or observing the pattern of Jakarta's traffic you find the perfect time to go to work - it's between 8.45 - 8.50 btw - so i can get there faster.

The problem is, to do all of this, you should do it from the outside, detached from the condition, as the others.

It means i have little to no experience in involving myself with something and/or someone.

When something that force me to be involve or i'm inconveniently involved in it, my mind goes overdrive, analysing things automatically while in the same time fully aware that i'm in this, that i'm one of the factor in this puzzle that i must consider.

To make my mind stop working, i have to consciously fight it.

More often than not, i'm having conversation with other version of myself, playing devil's advocate to every single hypotheses i come out with.

And this time, the conclusion is:

"Let's be simple"

Well, simple does not equal easy, but it's least burden on my mind.

S*****e

Saya benci mimpi waktu tidur, karena lebih capek pas bangun daripada tidur yg sekejap tiba-tiba pagi.

Entah dosa apa saya, setiap mimpi saya terasa begitu nyata dan more often than not, i can still remember few details of my dreams for a few days, dan kadang dunia mimpi 100 kali lebih ideal dari dunia nyata - no shit sherlock - waktu bangun malah yang ada cuma sisa-sisa sense of longing yang sebenernya gatau dan gajelas juga longing buat/ke siapa.

karena meskipun secara sadar saya tahu yang barusan saya alami itu mimpi, saya juga kalau kemungkinan besar mimpi saya ada apa yang saya secara tidak sadar benar-benar inginkan.

Saudade, namanya.

 "is a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves."

Buat orang dengan kesulitan menjalin koneksi kayak saya, sensasi Saudade ini cuma bikin mbathin.

I'd like to think that every dream i had all these time, was a sneak peak to another me in another universe, a universe where there's this guy named Nico that is slightly more optimistic, slightly less cynical, and a little bit adventurous with his life, and equally witty as this one who currently writes this very post.

Where after I wake up and continue in this world where Donald Trump is President of US of A, another universe which i saw in my dreams continue to exists.

limerence my ass

jadi ternyata, ada penjelasan ilmiah dibalik naksir orang, dan batas antara naksir sehat dan naksir ga sehat itu tipis.

naksir ga sehat itu nama nya limerence, kalo kata wikipedia,

"is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated."

basically heads over heels with someone.

intinya adalah kalo lagi naksir orang, yg penyebabnya berhubungan sama evolutionary psychology yg gw ga ngerti dan agak ga yakin juga kenapa tipe gw selalu asia timur - Chinese, Japanese, dan Korean - otak kita ngerilis hormon yg sama kayak waktu lagi narkoba-an.

nah limerence ini dopamine nya kebanyakan, jadi slightly obsessive, dan gw akuin ini rutin kejadian sama gw.

dalam sejarah hidup gw, ada kasus dimana gw naksir cewe nih, sampe gw harus ngomong "pergi dari pala guah", dan scene Sherlock ketika dia lagi mecahin kasus setengah mabok trus ada Irene Adler dikepala doi tiba2, itu gambaran paling tepat soal limerence ini. Karena gw bisa aja jadi functional human being, tiba2 dia muncul dikepala gw, dan gw harus fight biar ilang.

oke ini extreme sih, dan some people more likely to experience this, dan gw biasanya 2-3 bulan normal lagi dan normal artinya adalah eksistensi si object jadi ga penting.

NAH

kalo kita tahu bahwa jatuh cinta itu adalah chemical reactions + evolutionary psychology, are we really in love?

Transformers dan Tenderloin Steak.

Transformers itu anomali, if internet is anything to go by, Transformers iku franchise film paling dibenci sejagat, tapi juga paling sukses. Orang suka bertanya kenapa Transformers bisa reviewnya jelek, yang nonton pun bilang jelek, tapi BO nya oke: Ya situ ngapain bayar nonton di-bioskop di minggu pertama? biar bisa hip ngatain film-nya di Internet? Sebelom Last Knight ini, ada 4 film transformers, kalo dari 4 itu, suka 2 benci 2, oke lah, 50/50 kemungkinan suka yg ke-5, tapi kalo dari 4 film itu udah tau benci semuanya, ngapain nonton di-bioskop sih?

Paramount, Hasbro, sama om Michael Bay ngga peduli situ ngenyek film doi di Internet, mereka peduli lo nonton tuh film di minggu2 awal ketika share BO masih gede buat distributor, dibanding di-akhir ketika share lebih gede buat bioskop.

Saya nggak pernah suka Fast Furious, it's as stupid as Transformers, buat without transforming robots.

Duh jadi ngalor ngidul.

Buat saya, Transformers itu revolusioner.

Buat saya yang masa kecil-nya dihabiskan nonton low budget japanese kid's show macem kamen rider dan super sentai, Transformers itu semacam titik balik dimana saya sadar bahwa adegan-adegan mustahil yang ada di-kepala 8 year old me itu mungkin terjadi di-layar lebar.

Bahwa mungkin, entah kapan, One Year War-Saga bisa dibuat live action-nya

Dan harus pake  Desain MG 3.0

Dan sampai mati saya akan berterima kasih pada om Michael.

And i expect no less of a CGI perfection dari action flicks.

DAN ENTAH KENAPA NOBODY IS SAYING SHIT ABOUT MCU SHIT CGI

Spider-man went from this awesome, highly detailed, highly realistic CGI

To this shockingly bad CGI

what the fuck happened? how the fuck we stopped expecting oscar-level special effects from our action movies?

at least DCEU chose a direction and sticking to it, whether you like it or not is a different matters.

Well MCU did chose a direction, in which every single movie is quip-fest without emotional investment.

nestapa

Waktu dulu, waktu jaman kuda gigit besi, temen gw tengah malem ngirimin lagu White Shoes and The Couples Company yang Roman Ketiga, sambil disertai pesan yang kurang lebih intinya, "punya kisah cinta itu tiga kali aja nik".

Youth is a beautiful thing, isn't it?

Waktu itu, 17 tahun, sadar bahwa it'll take more than one relationship to find "it" sudah mbuat abdi merasa dewasa sekali.

9 tahun kemudian, roman kedua saya saja belum mulai, dan jika hitungan saya tepat, yang ngasih lagu juga udah lewat roman ketiga-nya, yah nama-nya masih muda, masih optimis.

Inti dari pesan malam ini adalah; merencanakan boleh, romantisasi sebuah ide yang bahaya.

Ya boleh saja toh, mau-nya cuma menikah sekali, saint seiya sekata, tapi jangan jatuh cinta pada ide menikah - atau ide2 lainnya, tapi karena ini ada hubungannya dengan romansa, jadi sample-nya nikah - sehingga ketika ada yang salah dengan pernikahan, tidak rela melepasnya gitu.

Intinya saya melankolis karena iPod lama saya masih hidup, dan seperti mesin waktu, top25 most played songs-nya belum berubah dari 7-8 tahun yang lalu.

HUENSHIN

I've heard/read somewhere that you should buy/do things you really want when you were 15 years old.

And for me that makes a lot of sense.

When you put things into that your 15 years old self bucket list, things started to make sense.

And this could be anything, fucking anything.

Of course, financial conditions must be taken into account.

And for me personally, one of the things on my list will come true next months: Owning a fairing sport bike.

Honda CBR 150 R

Beautiful.

I admit, i will buy it on instalment, yes, it's only 150 cc, but hey, it's a step on a right direction - to be a Kamen Rider - and because the other thing on my bucket list is either Subaru Impreza WRX-STI or a Lancer Evo X, which i still can't afford, and god knows when i can afford it, so it makes sense to me to start with this.

and with this i throw myself to the third level of financial adulthood: paying monthly instalments of a vehicle, the first level was having my own money, second was NPWP.

And while we're on this topic, i want to talk about human relationships with their vehicle, some people really love their vehicle and not only as a means to go from point A to B, but it's already 5AM and I need sleep

Now I need red scarf and Rider logo to be put on my bike.

HUAYAHKONOH

Thanks to my Spotify daily mix being a fucking jerk and I took the wrong panadol, let's get galau.

Can woman and a man be just friends? In general, I don't know, but if it's me, of course you fucking can.

Thanks to my not so great love life and wrongly took kindness as flirting, I set my brain to assume any kind of kindness is just that: a kindness.

The result? You can put "effortlessly single for 8 years" in there. I mean, it's hard to get the clue - if there are ANY girl that into me and give me all sorts of clue, I'm being generous with myself here - when the clue ladies gave to a dude that interests her ranging from quick glances to just moderate kindness and small talk, I mean I do that all the time.

In one day I usually have my eyes meet with at least 5 person, mas2 Ayam bakar termasuk.

And I think sometimes I want it to be just that, kindness, and proving to myself that nobody likes me, self fulfilling prophecy.

I mean I notice that ladies play with their hair if they notice they're being noticed by someone they think is attractive enough, but then again it could be they just want to fix their hair.

Summary: I always think that live is a game with many side missions, different endings, and no manuals, and unfortunately, side mission of dating is a mission that I am sucked at.

But but, let me being honest here, there is this one girl that always makes me look at her. She's not visually great, I think, but I can't help to glance at her everytime I see her in the office. 

But then being mentally slightly fucked up doesn't help with self esteem

Shit happens part 351

Life sucks, not in the way you think it is, but it is suck.

I have so much question about people, and despite know the why's, I still don't get it.

Understand?

Knowing is not equal to understanding, I guess.

I mean I know why people let's say obsessed with their Instagram likes to the point where they hired a cheap photographer to document their less than interesting life. But I don't get it.

Why?

I mean there are few hypothesis, a good dose narcissism, or just the fact that human are social being and sharing your latest vacation is a thing since the 90s, but Internet overexposed us with it, or just people plain having fun.

But then again the effort some people took for their social media is mind boggling.

Relative to them I'm a noob, a good angle and good contrast is enough for me.

I don't get it, why?

But then again there are not many people that get me, few of my friends could guess few things about me, but almost always miss the core.

This is me being emo.

I'll publish this post and go back being functional adult

FEBRUARI AJA SOB

FEBRUARI AJA SOB

things i miss about being jobless:

The sleepless night.

Begadang itu epitomi perlawanan, semua pemberontakan direncakan tengah malam, bukan sore-sore sambil ngelamun. Diskusi yang ndalem dan njelumit itu selalu kejadian diatas jam 11 malam, bukan siang sambil makan soto betawi. Inspirasi selalu lahir dini hari, ketika kebisingan hari sudah tidak terdengar lagi.

Ketika orang-orang kebanyakan sudah tidur karena sibuk dengan kewajiban sehari-hari, orang-orang terpilih akan tetap terbangun entah mimpi apa, yang kemudian mimpi itu dipegang erat-erat tanpa bilang ke siapa-siapa, jadi janji yang paling sulit dipenuhi: Janji sama diri sendiri.

Sudah tak terasa sudah 6 kali gajian ditempat kerja sekarang, artinya sudah 6 bulan kerja, setengah tahun, lewat begitu saja. Is there any differences between me now and me from 6 months ago? probably yes, but not that much. In fact, working and interacting with people on daily basis hanya mengukuhkan niat saya untuk financially independent by the time i'm 40 dan pensiun dini setelahnya.

Malem-malem begini lah lagunya Landon Pigg yang Falling in Love in The Coffee Shop punya efek berlipat ganda terhadap kondisi emosionil saya: alias bikin mellow.

i pull my hair out, as i experience an extreme flashback to 2005-06 school year, senior year of middle school.

that's what i feel whenever I hear Cayman Island by Kings of Convenience.

i listen it on the car on my way to school, on the break, on lunch break, on my way home, and before sleeping.

those faces, those moments, rushing back to my mind as soon as i hear that opening note

why suddenly i'm talking about this? because as usual, on friday, one dude is responsible for musics, and while i was working, his random playlist played this song, and again, i go back to 2006, white and blue, skinny and full of acne.

then i get back to the present, working, as a 25 years old.

which kinda sucks with all the responsibilities i have, but it is what it is.

I mean aren't we all just winging it? hoping one day to find meaning in life?

2016 IN REVIEW and looking forward to 2017

well well well, i can say that 2016 is the year that i finally found myself, sort of.

January thru February was event-less, because i was unemployed, hence no money to spend to create moments worth sharing on social media for my pencitraan.

March, moved house from my house for 5 years, it was bittersweet really, 5 years is longest i've spent in one address, i basically grew up there, from mere teenagers of 19 years old to 24 years old young adult.

March also saw the release of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, probably the most controversial movie - not just a comic book movie, but a movie in general - in the recent times, those who hate it hates it passionately, as is with those who love it. From all the debates ive seen online, most of the haters reason for hating it because it's not like marvel, or should i say, it's not a simple good times on theatre, the movie made you uncomfortable to say the least, classic Zack Snyder.

Well then go April, May - release of the critically acclaimed - meh - Civil War - June, and July.

August is the month i started working at innity, which is nice.

I met great people, and i got to wear same shit i've been wearing for the past 5 years in college, win win.

Having a job means i'm going full adult, NPWP and that kinda shit, and the climax was last November, I got my own credit card, not complimentary, my own, which means i have to use it responsibly, and by that, i mean using it for cicilan 0% Tokopedia to buy all the shits i can't buy cash.

and now let's see, 2017. Like usual, i don't have any target and thank god my parents did not set any target for me.

one thing i know, pop culture in 2017 excites me, with power rangers, wonder woman, transformers 5, and Justice League on the horizon, which means gonna spend money for collectibles, already nitip my friend di US for Power Rangers figure set.