if it doesn't have meanings, don't do it, just don't

don't do performative shit, don't do shit just for the sake of doing it.

Sure you create your own meaning, but we already live in a world where people do shit mindlessly.

Well, there I am, I just conclude the reason why people do a thing without thinking about their meaning because people are most people. A person is different, people are most people. 

A person is unique, but when it becomes a collection of person, set of people, it becomes a pattern, a person is random, people are predictable.

Most people get in their first relationship in their teens, serious relationship in late teens early 20s, married in 20s, getting married at 30s is already considered not most people.

Why the fuck am I writing this then?

But hell, it's been a long time since my last rant.

I am not saying that people should be experts first before they do or buy something, nobody would've bought a smartphone if that's the case, I am saying is that people should put more thought into what they do.

Do you really need to go out every weekend? Do you really like going out or hate feeling lonely?

Do you really need that CBR150 or you want to feel that at least your hard-work and salary amount to something you can see?

There's nothing wrong or bad with either choice, I just feel that at least you should own it.

I bought CBR in 2017 even though the installments are pushing it because I want my salary to be my own, not spend it on other shit.

The different thing with my car is that I buy it because my family needs it, my family needs a dependable car that won't break at random times. If I am being selfish, I'll buy a 2010 Audi A4 instead of a 2021 Suzuki Baleno. The Audi probably broke by the second year of owning it, and I can't repair it because it will be expensive.

The thing is, when people ask why I do certain things or do things a certain way, I can explain it, and the explanation would not be "just because", the lowest level explanation I would give is, "for shits and giggles"

I write this because, for most people, their tendencies of not putting a decent amount of thoughts into what they do goes all the way to their work, it's stupid and fucked up. 

The worst part about it is because they did not put any thought into it, you can't reason with them, you can't explain it to them - even using the most layman terms available - because they don't have any reason at all.

Sure it's cool to be chaotic if you're Joker from the Nolan trilogy, but even that Joker is about proving something.

be my

Life is a full of decisions, sometimes you have to choose what you need and let go of what you want.

I want 2013 Honda Civic in white, but I need a car that still have its warranty and cheap to own, and White Civic is not that. But even in the compromised state, we still have multiple options, chose the one that won't make your day to day life boring. 

A manual transmission Japanese hatchback is the answer. It's Japanese, it will survive the next world war for all I care, it cheap to maintain and cheap to own. I can buy used Civic for the same price and the same monthly payments, but the tax would be significantly higher and because it would be a used car, it would have unexpected cost. 

So my red Baleno is a good middle ground, it's logical, but because it's a manual, it's quite nice to drive as well. Also it's red. 

But to be perfectly honest, a man sports bike is where my heart really is, it's reallyyyy cheap to own, but I need a car, I need to act like a 30 year old. I still collect Ultramen, but I'm 30 this year so there's that

So for now my life would consist of paying this car while also using it, I understand the whole buying car is basically throwing money away because of depreciation, but I will have a car that I enjoy driving? People pay money for things they enjoy?? Like my duo of Freedom and Justice?? They are worthless financially but Iike them

Also I'll probably buy another sportsbike because I can't imagine commuting in car here in Jakarta 

entropy

I've heard about entropy somewhere on the Internet, but about half an hour ago my brother used entropy to describe our family, or how our family deteriorated in the span of 12 days.

The definition of entropy from Physics world is below

"a thermodynamic quantity representing the unavailability of a system's thermal energy for conversion into mechanical work, often interpreted as the degree of disorder or randomness in the system" 

But I'm more interested in this definition

"lack of order or predictability; gradual decline into disorder." 

My brother use entropy to describe our family condition. 

It's pretty abstract concept, but basically, entropy is a measure of uncertainty and randomness.

We can try to fix things, relationships, phones, cars, but as things got older, entropy increases.

Entropy is either constant or increases but it never decreases. Fixing things will only delay entropy, but it'll happen anyway. 

Sure Toyota build reliable cars that can survive 250k kilometers, but as it got older and worn out, it'll get harder to fix, at some point, it'll be cheaper to throw it out altogether. 

So that's what probably happened with my family, we try to save it, all of us, but maybe, as times goes by, it accumulate issues, and it might be healthier for us to break it up.

It fucking sucks, deep down I probably want to keep it, I don't know why. 

The most possible reason is that it comforts me, there are five of us and a dog, that whatever happened in life, at the end of the day there would be a 5 of us and a dog at home. 

But then I take another look, I don't want to spend the rest of my life treading the water to only keep entropy constant, because we can't decrease it. It put pressure on all of us. 

I am pretty good at letting go, I don't really get attached to someone/something other than my dog, but I guess that it's really close to it being reality - the break up of my family - I find it hard to let it go, again for selfish reason, and I guess letting go something that's the only constant in my almost 30 years of life is never easy.

What's funny is that at around the same time, my dog is closer to his entropy. We can bring him to vet for physiotherapy, but it'll only delay his inevitable death. 

2022 might be the worst year in my life.