menyala abangku

If there is one thing that sometimes brought my ego back to the earth, is the fact that even with what I have achieved and what I did and still do to make myself a better person, is that sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like I am always the outsider.

Everybody always have their first priority friend, those they'll prioritise, and they'll come to me once all of their priorities are met. 

That's probably why I got triggered by people I like not texting me back, it's like babies who does not understand object permanence, my brain thinks (unconsciously) that if the other is not consistently giving me feedback, they're probably abandoning me as we speak. 

Then I read somewhere that while being known is mortifying ordeal, it is the only way that we can build connections, yes all this love is all mine and I have lots of it, for others to be able to see me, I have to shamelessly asking for it. 

Look at me

I need you (my friends) to be in and around me

I'm learning to just say what I feel. 

"kita ngobrol ini buat pdkt apa temenan aja?" 

"kayaknya gue mulai agak tertarik lagi sm lo" 

"chat gue dong gaes gue ga ikut ke GIAAS I feel left out" 

Also relating to first paragraph, that I always feel like I'm the outsider, there is this one picture that somehow made me realize that probably I'm the one that is not open enough and other people put me in pedestal

I scored my second goal and the whole bench celebrating, maybe, just maybe, I am loved. 

They celebrated with joy my simple achievement (a shitty goal)

A person told me she liked me, a lot, uncontrollably, my first thought was "what is it that you like so much about me?" 

Maybe, just maybe, I should just allowed her to my life and let her decide whether she's still willing to continue liking me. 

I think for some people where a positive emotion was always and still is associated with achievement, seeing someone liking me for me being me is weird.