poop selapangan

Currently (like literally right now as I'm writing this) I feel attacked by this very specific kind of nostalgia, the bad kind.

There is one where you just reminisce about the old days, the "ah yeah we were young back then", this is a good one. 

What I'm feeling - and felt this multiple time for the past few weeks - is the kind of nostalgia where you end up asking "2009 is 14 years ago??"

14 years from 2009 is 1993, 14 years from now is 2037, I will be 46 by then. 

People from 2003 is celebrating their 20th birthday, people who were born when I entered high school is in high school right now. 

I'm 32 this year, I'm closer to 40 then I am to 20, but other than the fact that my ID card states that I was born in 91, and my body easily ache, I never feel older than 27, but now I met 27 year old person and thinking how they are so young. 

When I was 25, I felt that the time was running out, when I see 25 year olds now I tell them "you still have a lot to learn and explore", in a non-boomer way. 

Semua gara2 twit "kuliah 14 taun lalu tidak adu outfit" and 14 tahun lalu IS MY FIRST YEAR IN UNIVERSITY. 

Nih yang gue bingung even now, I still feel I don't know a lot - more than most people my age - but getting married or even buying a home feels like settling down.

I dont have a lot of money, buying a house right now means I probably have to drive a piece of shit old cars. I want to drive nice old cars - looking at you 2010 BMW 520i - and if I spend money on housing I can't buy that car?? 

Ah elah berak. 

Kek salah temenan nih gue, rang orang dah pada nikah

eiyo

I should've known, that when I wrote on this blog again, my relationship is cursed

This blog is a curse. 

This blog is a proof that I contemplate, that I make conscious effort to think, to reflect, to digest, to seek meaning of shits that happened to me or happened to people around me.

The blog is a proof that in a very limited time I have, considering that at least I spent 12-14 hours living, like working, doing whatever necessary to live, I took time - sometime it's 5 minutes, sometimes more - to think, to recap shits that I feel, makes me probably a bit more - whatever adjective I use bakal pongah sih - contemplative in seeing stuff, and processing stuff at a deeper level.

This is a good thing. 

This is basically reverse of growing up in shitty environment sometimes give you good life skills, writing on this blog makes my standard of whatever "great person" is significantly higher. 

Anjing sombong bat w jd manusia

Untung murtadjd ga bisa dimarahin 

moonlight

So because I don't believe in God or any of supernatural shit, I'm barely thinking about it, at all, like the thoughts of "oh god is somewhere" does not come at all, like at all.

All my life choices - that I want to be kind, that I don't want my existence to be a unnecessary burden to others - 100% comes from the fact that I consciously want it, not because there is some weird all powerful being out there that will punish me if I'm doing bad things. 

I try to be good because I want to, because I don't like the feeling of having done a bad or wrong thing. 

So there's the premise. 

Then there are moments that I realized that yes, people believe in God, that God is there - even without empirical proof - and that God is kind - even with thousands of stories of God not being kind - and people make life choices based on the fact that they want to go to heaven. 

In that moment, just that moment of realization - that I don't believe in supernatural, and probably 80%+ believe in some kind of supernatural power - makes me feel so fucking alone.

Scary as fuck man