This will be unfiltered, I hope, mabok sanadryl soalnya.

So in the past year or so I dated and broke up, someone fancied me and I did not fancied her, then someone asked me out without even knowing me that much, then someone crushing on me to the point she's asking around regarding my relationship status, all the while I'm actually getting close to someone. 

All of this still without my closest friend who happens to be female (hi lun) told me to my face that I am handsome, and she told me whenever some ladies glanced at me (some sampe patah leher) 

Adding into this that I currently am doing a good job, can be better, but don't care enough. 

My self esteem is at the highest point. 

I need something to bring it down, even my chubby stomach won't stop me. 

So you swiped right, and you talked for a bit and you think, "hmm, she is fun to talk to"

Then you meet for the first time, a quick date, just a sushi and a coffee, 3 hours tops, and you think "ahh she is fun, hopefully we can meet again" 

Then you talked for the whole week, plan another meet, this time even shorter but you make it work anyway. 

"ah hope we can spend more time" 

Then you go to a music festival for 2 days straight together, 20 hours together, and it feels nice, calming even, you think you can spend another 20 hours together and won't feel bored. 

The drive home was nice, not much to talk to, sing a little bit.

Then suddenly it ends, but you can't wait to meet again. 

I still don't know where this is all going, but I think this might work. 

Hopeful this might work. 

Saya tipe orang yang selalu berpikir there are always something better out there, but for the past few months I've stopped thinking like that. 

Maybe, just maybe, this is good enough, can be better, but there are worse things. 

I like my current team at work, I like my current football boots, I'm even thinking of downgrading my car. 

I'm not the most handsome person out there, I'm not the most anything, but I think I am good enough to be liked and loved. 

She has a good base, I think, I like myself when I'm around her. 

She's looking for someone to listen to her weird stories, me too, and I'll listen to her whenever she tell me something. 

Hopeful

so sad so sad

I just realized I never heard her laugh uncontrollably.

That I don't know how she have fun, the 9 months we were together it was always concern after concern after concern. 

I don't know anything about her other than where she works, who her friends and family are, and what she's going through.

No wonder I'm not as sad as people think I should be, there weren't any connections made. 

There's not a single thing that is so unapologetically her that makes me miss our time together.

Being with her means I have to entertain her, as if I'm a trickster serving a king. (not really, just want to be unnecessarily using fancy comparison). 

I don't know her favourite songs, I don't know whether she has had the experience of being so moved by art to the point of crying. 

So no wonder I don't feel like I lost something of value, it's because I didn't gain any. 

uwowk

Maybe it wasn't that lightly. 

Maybe it was too early, too quick, too pushy, the idea of having a girlfriend clouded my judgement.

Well I learnt something

Will try to list a few, and update this post whenever I remember something. 

A relationship can not survive differences in maturity. This is more than age-gap, this is about time taken by each individual to proactively learning about themselves, a psychologically aware life. It's a continuous learning, but the act should be there, taken deliberately. 

Certain degrees of difference can be tolerated, if it's too much, the mature one in the relationship will be the support and the other will enjoy the fact that they have support and take it for granted. 

But the support also have their own problems, you can't give when you have nothing left to give. 

Knowing what you want is important, and nothing that is inherently positive or negative about most wants, some wants a good fuck, some wants financial stability, some wants good conversation, lucky people can get their multiple wants from their SO, most compromises. 

But knowing what you don't really want is the most important, I find that I want a person that can function alone, and choose me because I add something to their life. But knowing that if and when I'm not there due to other circumstances, she can survive on her own. 

A hobby is a must, still relates to prior points, having a hobby no matter how small means they have something they love unconditionally. 

Also, healthy body weight, because I don't want my partner to develop illness. 

It's okay not having long term target, because more often than not, it's healthier to have small achievable short term target than big long term target. 

Losing 1 KG a week is less intimidating than losing 15kgs.

poop selapangan

Currently (like literally right now as I'm writing this) I feel attacked by this very specific kind of nostalgia, the bad kind.

There is one where you just reminisce about the old days, the "ah yeah we were young back then", this is a good one. 

What I'm feeling - and felt this multiple time for the past few weeks - is the kind of nostalgia where you end up asking "2009 is 14 years ago??"

14 years from 2009 is 1993, 14 years from now is 2037, I will be 46 by then. 

People from 2003 is celebrating their 20th birthday, people who were born when I entered high school is in high school right now. 

I'm 32 this year, I'm closer to 40 then I am to 20, but other than the fact that my ID card states that I was born in 91, and my body easily ache, I never feel older than 27, but now I met 27 year old person and thinking how they are so young. 

When I was 25, I felt that the time was running out, when I see 25 year olds now I tell them "you still have a lot to learn and explore", in a non-boomer way. 

Semua gara2 twit "kuliah 14 taun lalu tidak adu outfit" and 14 tahun lalu IS MY FIRST YEAR IN UNIVERSITY. 

Nih yang gue bingung even now, I still feel I don't know a lot - more than most people my age - but getting married or even buying a home feels like settling down.

I dont have a lot of money, buying a house right now means I probably have to drive a piece of shit old cars. I want to drive nice old cars - looking at you 2010 BMW 520i - and if I spend money on housing I can't buy that car?? 

Ah elah berak. 

Kek salah temenan nih gue, rang orang dah pada nikah

eiyo

I should've known, that when I wrote on this blog again, my relationship is cursed

This blog is a curse. 

This blog is a proof that I contemplate, that I make conscious effort to think, to reflect, to digest, to seek meaning of shits that happened to me or happened to people around me.

The blog is a proof that in a very limited time I have, considering that at least I spent 12-14 hours living, like working, doing whatever necessary to live, I took time - sometime it's 5 minutes, sometimes more - to think, to recap shits that I feel, makes me probably a bit more - whatever adjective I use bakal pongah sih - contemplative in seeing stuff, and processing stuff at a deeper level.

This is a good thing. 

This is basically reverse of growing up in shitty environment sometimes give you good life skills, writing on this blog makes my standard of whatever "great person" is significantly higher. 

Anjing sombong bat w jd manusia

Untung murtadjd ga bisa dimarahin 

moonlight

So because I don't believe in God or any of supernatural shit, I'm barely thinking about it, at all, like the thoughts of "oh god is somewhere" does not come at all, like at all.

All my life choices - that I want to be kind, that I don't want my existence to be a unnecessary burden to others - 100% comes from the fact that I consciously want it, not because there is some weird all powerful being out there that will punish me if I'm doing bad things. 

I try to be good because I want to, because I don't like the feeling of having done a bad or wrong thing. 

So there's the premise. 

Then there are moments that I realized that yes, people believe in God, that God is there - even without empirical proof - and that God is kind - even with thousands of stories of God not being kind - and people make life choices based on the fact that they want to go to heaven. 

In that moment, just that moment of realization - that I don't believe in supernatural, and probably 80%+ believe in some kind of supernatural power - makes me feel so fucking alone.

Scary as fuck man