Fuck no, fuck them. 

A month, that's all it takes for them to grant judgement that no, they wouldn't like to get to know me better.

A month. 

I am as a person have so much depth in me that it'll take someone decades to figure out, heck, we're all are. 

I knew it hurts, still hurts a bit sometimes, but logically, if someone rejects you without knowing you, are they really rejecting you? 

When they say no to you after only knowing 1% of your life, can you really say that they reject your being? 

The answer is no, hard no. 

So no. 

Yes I was sad, still sad sometimes, but technically they did not say no to me, she said no to her idea of me, based on limited data available to them. 

Also, this is also about growth, my own growth. 

When bad shit happened, we learnt from it.

Now in regards of self worth, I worth something, my worth is not 0, none of us are. 

I am funny, I am smart, I am empathetic, I am kind,  I am all of those things and more.

Other people's choice of not to have me in their life is their loss. 

ah elah

I think you don't have any ill intent, but don't hold someone's hand if you don't plan to hold it for the considerably future.

don't tell me, "we've been talking for a few weeks"

we're not just talking.

you woke up at 4am to text me because I have a 4am flight.

don't hold my hand.

don't put your head on my shoulder.

don't tell me your trauma while holding my hand so strongly.

don't make me feel loved and then leave in less than 48 hours.

I'd like to think you don't have ill intent, for my mental health.

I am adult enough to understand that unless there's a conversation about what we are, we're just talking.

but it hurts nonetheless.

holy shit it hurts.

If I were home right now I would fucking cry, it takes a whole lot of willpower not to let any tears out.

Luna, I told you why I am anxious kan, "Kalo dia ilang, gue harus gimana?", less than 12 hours lun

less than 12 hours, "gue mau serius sama satu orang"

But then,

it fucking shows how much growth I have experienced that instead of anger, it's just sadness, pure sadness. It's grief. 

the first few sentences in this post, it's not out of anger, but out of, I don't know. A plea? A beg? A public service announcement? out of love.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Yeah

When they said, "love yourself first, treat yourself like you treat people you love, with care, do things that would make them - yourself - happy"

I did and will do, and when shit happens, it shows how it helps, I have my support system.

I'm going to take time to grief this, this love that I no longer have an output for, I'll spread it elsewhere.

I have attached my resume for your reference

what is grief if not love persevering, someone said on tumblr. 

So I am grieving, because I have so much of things I'd like to share, but alas my self worth is a thing I prioritise most, and it said "no, you deserve better" 

But I am still sad, and am allowing myself to be sad. 

Thank god I have build a life that I like to be in. 

And Monday arrives, I like Monday, it's a start of a new week, to reset, or to just change into something new altogether.

I don't know how long I'd be sad for, but meh, the fact that I can feel sad means I can feel happy.

I'll meet my friends, my coworker, and we'll have a good coffee/smoke break, a decent lunch, a gossip session, or just do nothing but stare at the hyperactive cat that lives on our office. 

I'd dress nicely just to add small thing to make myself feel good.

But you know what, I'm glad I keep myself open, yeah this was shot off target if we're using football nomenclature, but the next chance will come. 

To live is to suffer.

Not to romanticize suffering, but I'd like it if most of life is a lot like how I felt after 90 minutes of football match. 

Tired, dirty, out of breath, might even losing the match, but take comfort at the fact that I tried. 

I tried to win, I wanted to win, the fact that I tried matters. 

I'd like to think life is a lot like a striker's mindset: try to be in the right position to score goals as much as possible. Yes you might end up shooting 100 and score 1, but the fact you're there, you're in the position to score matters. Then in one match you scored a hattrick.

Langit Favoritku

I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking thankful.

bar one thing, 99% of my week was fucking awesome.

I don't even know how to put it into a coherent blog post.

There is care in "ka nico sini hapenya biar ga drunk text" and she proceeds to hold my phone until I am sober enough not to drunk text.

There is connection in "nic sebenernya cewe tipe lo yang kayak gimana sih? siapa tau bisa kita bantuin"

There was a sense of achievement when someone everyone admires said "Kayaknya kita udah pernah ketemu ya?" when I technically reintroduced myself 3 years after the first encounter, my friends said it was modus, the person who said it was married, happily I hope. However, nope, still modus, she at least finds me attractive.

The "bisa kali sini dulu ngobrol kita" in between of our busy lives.

When people look for me when they find something funny, sad, or scandalous??

That we have a lot of people with the same interests.

Just talk man, we almost always have a common thing with other people, don't hide it.

I'm in a such good place right now.

wouldn't let that one disturbs it too much.