enough

I have so much anger in me.

A disappointed optimist, hell of a description. 

I know we as a society can be better if we tried a little, but we aren't, how fucking sad is that? 

I understand that life is a chaos of random encounters.

That you can't really deserve anything really, and it's so fucking sad.

It's fucking sad that hope almost always leads to disappointment, it's fucking sad that "outcome independent" is a thing we teach people so they're less anxious about life. 

It's fucking sad that we have a best seller titled "the art of not giving a fuck" 

How the fuck we end up this way? That giving a fuck is a bad thing?? 

And I just gave that advice to a friend, told him to stop helping people who rejects helping hand. 

I fucking understand why, because we only have limited fuck to give.

And that's so fucking sad. 

I believe we should give a little bit fuck. Just a little, we cannot give a fuck if we're empty tho. 

I am angry because life could be so much better if we give a fuck to each other. 

go higher

Love is always there, it might not be where you want it to come from, but if you look around, it's always there.

For the past few months, I have allowed myself to look, and at certain point, I realize what I saw is love.

Love is there when someone notices my hair is slightly different that day. 

Love is there when my friends knows me well enough they trust me I'd laugh and understand their jokes. 

It's there when my friends are making fun of me whenever I feel like I'm the most handsomest person in my workplace.

It's there when they ask me to go to buy coffee with them. 

It's there when someone had uncomfortable yet necessary conversation with me. 

It might not what you think what love would look like, you might not even really like how it take forms, but it's love nonetheless. 

One reason I can survive some of the hardest time of my life is thanks to them. 

They have their own life but still they include me in theirs, sure people come and go but when they're here, holy shit they're really here. 

Sure sometimes some things are too big, too hostile for love to defeat it, but what matters was that the love was there. 

My sister commented on one of Instagram repost, about how I am loved by those around me, how they're enjoying my existence. 

We'd have bad days, but holy shit I can't imagine how worse it might be without these people. 

I know when you're around my age, the next stage is starting a family.

But next stage implies there are stages before the next stage, and I think my life is just starting.

Ideally, you went out of your home at early 20s with 20+ years of development, with stable and supportive family, to give you that strong foundation to face this adulting shit. 

But my life is not really ideal, I went out facing adult world with nothing but guts and sheer willpower. 

It wasn't easy, it's easier to just do just enough. 

But I think the fact that I entered the adult world with nothing and just trying to fight everyone with my pent up anger actually helped me. 

I had options, but my insistence to just fight everyone out of spite and just proof myself as the smartest man in the room kinda helped, well, helped a lot. 

Me being actually slightly smarter than most also helped, so I actually had something to back my shit ass ego. 

My starting point was like 50 meters behind other people's starting line, and I basically crawl myself to starting line with this strong belief that "no, my way is the right way".

Technically, it was "my way is the right way, oh you think you have better idea? Try me. See? Told you fucking so I was right" 

More often than not, I was right.

The point is, those suffering brought me here, to a place where I am at peace.

I know I have my knowledge to back me up, I also know that there are a lot of things I don't know. 

I have pretty awesome set of friends to support me when I need it. 

That's why the idea of sharing this version of myself with other person, to allow other person to enter my life and enjoy my current best self feels heavy to me, "fuck no, you don't get to enjoy this version of me" 

This isn't exactly an adult thing to think, but hey we can't all be perfect. 

I don't know, who fucking cares.