DON DON DON

 I spent too much money on Super Sentai/Power Ranger's Mecha/Zord, I know this, like I objectively understand.

BUT IT'S SOOOO FUNNN.

I can have 5 mecha combined into 1 FUCKING GIANT ROBOT???

Jelas saja gue buang2 uang buat beli, fuck financial responsibility for this one time.

3 weeks until this bad boi get here.

dancing with my phone thinking about you

Having a crush is nice.

Understanding that someone you see often in your office building is beautiful is one thing. Like you understand that they are objectively very beautiful. But technically they're nobodies, it's purely physical. 

But having a crush is a whole lot of things. 

A fist bump is all it takes.

There are a lot of better looking person out there, but none of them are jompo enough they bring salonpas everywhere, and none of them fistbumps with me when pamit pulang. 

Crush used to consume me, now I kinda understand a crush is just a start, and trying - with concious effort - to understand your cursh is the next step. 

But even then, we're not allowed to be to eager, that somehow when we're crushing and would like to know them, we also have to show them that our live is fine without them.

I guess it makes sense, one single person can't be another person's whole world, that's too much of a responsibility.

So yeah, I'm formally having a crush on someone since like 930pm.

This is a very weird feeling, that I know I'm crushing on someone, and these fucking love songs are full with her, but I'm not consumed by it.

I guess now I see them as a person, sometimes when you're crushing on someone, you're filling in the knowledge gap yourself and what basically what would happen is disappointments.

Treating them as blank canvas - a knowledge in which I have no source, probably just due to healthier mental state - is much more, a lot like discovering hobbies. 

menemukanmu

Di timeline IG dan Twitter saya lagi banyak yg retweet short comics soal bagaimana menjadi dewasa itu melelahkan to the point of buat excited terhadap sesuatu itu aja udah ga ada tenaga lagi. 

Jujur I relate to that a lot, circa 2017-2018 saya pun seperti itu, I missed a lot of anime and movies karena mostly mager sih, terlalu capek buat jalan ke bioskop terdekat yang tinggal nyebrang perempatan sarinah itu. 

But I think it's a choice, it's the only thing we can actually choose, you know? It's not like my friends are really working themselves to the death to survive, most of them are from a well off family, with even better career than mine, or at least better financially. 

Sure there's a lot of external factor in our life, but having something fun to look forward to is something we can choose. 

Yeah I talk from a position of a single man with pretty nice income, tapi kehidupan saya sekarang ini ya kumpulan pilihan saya selama ini.

Yeah I overthink a lot, like a lot, to the point I have to concentrate to consciously telling myself not to think, but I think the good thing about it is that I actually think about my life, a lot.

Some of it were wrong, but I think, therefore I actually continuously making conscious choice. 

I make a conscious effort to have fun. 

I do adult things, I am part of sandwich generation for fucks sake, half of my paycheck is for household needs, I don't even have a wife and my money is gone by the 3rd day after payday. So it's not like I have this privilege position, financially at least, and also responsibility, I have like a lot.

But I choose to have fun, I'll whine when I want to, and I have friends to whine with when I want to. 

But at 30, I am actually fucking content with my life. 

I'd love for that model-level looking former coworker to actually be something, but meh, I enjoy my waking day. I enjoy being an 8 in a sea of 6s. 

I do have shitty boss, I do have shit coworkers, I have bad days, I still have bad thoughts sometimes, but meh I'm human.

I like my weight, I like how I look most days, I like my phone, I like my wardrobe, I like my car and motorcycle. 

No its not perfect, they could get better of fucking course, but what I currently possessed, I made conscious choice according to my value. I compromised where I can, of course, but I like what I have.

I have a lot of things I am excited for.

I guess having been a bit depressed, I learnt that I need to enjoy the smallest thing. If the new chapter of batman is what keeps you alive, so be it. It doesn't have to be this grand thing with grand purpose. 

Sometimes - well, most of the times - these small things that matters most, eating the next good food, having a good laugh, sing that song from your heart with your friends.

Yeah plan your life if you can, strategize, but don't take it too seriously. Play, give yourself play.