berharap tak berpisah 2

Communal experience man.

How I missed this. 

Yes I can do my job at my home, but I find out my surroundings gave this weird energy that I can't really explain. 

There is a bit of understanding, that we had this worldwide experience in covid, that somehow for me, coming out at the other side of this world event, I have this new acceptance that yeah we're just trying to survive man. 

Sometimes we look dashing that all the eyes are us, sometimes we just want to survive through the day.

Traffic sucks but it's significantly better than thousands of death everyday. 

Gila

Saya kadang cuma mikir gitu, abis pandemi, vaksin 3 kali, hidup balik semi normal.

Tapi sekarang pake ekstra empati.

Umat manusia dapet konteks baru dari pandemi ini, kalo dibandingkan dengan kematian, kerjaan telat dua hari itu ga ada apa2nya.

They're so strong, yet so weak, stupid yet wise.

Saut2an lawakan, nyanyi bareng, gila.

I won't take it for granted, all of this. 

galih ratna

I finally have master it, I know how to not overthink.

I still overthink few things, most of them are things that I'm not really good at, like romance.

Most things are fine, like now I can receive an information that someone is not in a good mood, or worse, someone is not fond of me, and I can just accept it and said information not affecting me at all.

I know it, I acknowledge it, but I also understand that it's not really in my control?

I have this one really stupid coworker that somehow makes basic mistakes all the time, but because I think these happened out of ignorance instead of malice - or I'd like to think so, for my own sanity - I somehow manage to just "meh" it? Yeah I still whine because whining is fun, but I just do the thing that they're suppose to do but can't do it, because to be perfectly honest it's not really that hard.

I no longer have extreme emotional response to their stupidity. 

Road rage is another thing tho, I swear a lot.

I'm really proud of myself.

I'm so cold

One of my favourite thing in life is discovering that things I that I chose to do out of necessities are apparently a good survival mechanism that therapist often suggests to their patients.

First thing is simplify your life, get the basics right, something worth doing is worth doing badly, these three thing are the same thing basically.

There are a lot of things to do in 24 hours, mindfully choosing which aspect of your life to focus on is a thing, when to wake up, what to wear, when to go to the office, what to eat. Pick and choose, I chose to wear black all the time because what I wear is the thing I care the least.

But sometimes I care about what I wear, so there are days where I look fucking awesome, but it's okay to just look okay. 

Second is add as many happy things in your life as possible. Being adult sucks, if having that slightly nicer motorcycle makes your commute slightly more fun then buy that shit. Eat that ice cream, drink that teh botol.

Yeah yeah delayed gratification is a sign of intelligence but for fucks sake I need that teh botol for my sanity.

And you know what? These things helped me. 

Yeah I feel like I'm one of those high quality jomblo right now, but it wasn't always like these, there were days where I don't even like looking at myself in the mirror.

The journey frkm that to "I guess I'm okay" to "nyet gue ganteng uga" took years.

Even I dont think "nyet gue ganteng uga" full 24/7, there are still days where I think "meeeeh I look like I took a bath" and it's okay.

And I found out years later that "meeeeh I look like I took a bath but it's okay" is a healthy mindset to have, that I feel yes being dashing is additional value, but I have inherent value that isn't from me looking like Cha Eun Woo.

My existence itself is already positive net, me looking nice is addition to that, my intelligence, my niceness, my dirty mouth, my jokes, all add or remove value from my already +1 value.

What's funny is the weight of each value is fucking subjective as fuck and I don't have any control over it.

Some value scoring goals more than off the ball run, some value positional discipline, some value tricky dribble. 

So yeah, next step is trying my best, which I rarely do 

berharap tak berpisah

This is the lightest I have ever feel. 

It used to be that I appear not caring but care too much. 

While now is I care, but I care hopefully in he right amount. 

It used to be that I relinquish control on things I knew I never have control in the first place, but try to control everything I can control.

Now I relinquish even that, universe is a collection of random encounter, it's never in your control in the first place.

It used to be I try to be fun to mask the un-funness of my inner thoughts. 

Now everything is fun, even going to family mart to buy a cup of coffee is fun.

To define yourself is to remove the possibility of change, don't let anyone define you, not even yourself.

Also I like the fact I gave myself time after that one, sometimes being procrastinator with too many hobbies helps.

I let my head clears and my heart heals - ciaelah - and to analyse it, and in the end accept it. 

I let myself to just live with the bare minimum, which was better than nothing, and thanks to that now I know what I need to do.