your dog loves you

The thing about progress is that while you're in the middle of it, you can't really see it, you're too busy. 

After some time, you'll have enough time to rest, and look back, and realize how different everything are, you're different, your environment changes, your friends changed a bit. 

The thing about change and in turn progress, is that it's not permanent, because duh the only permanent thing in the world is the state of impermanence. 

So sometimes you regress a bit, because the past you and the current you are the same person, so more often than not, these multiple versions of you will fight, not the literal fight ala fight club, but you will change back and forth between old and new you. 

One thing I learnt recently is learn your triggers, it's mostly songs from certain event for me, but it can be anything. 

What's the point of this writing? It's mostly about reminding myself that I am capable of loving, might be not in what most people consider of loving, but hey I am not most people. 

It doesn't event have to be romantic love, it can be any act of service — holding a door for strangers, lending a hoodie, companionship — anything.

I read somewhere that modern society reduce the definition of love to be very narrow, when in fact there are multiple kind of love.

Why write this? It's mostly about me being grumpy because my plan for working from home this Monday failed. 

mega drive

One thing I realize quite early in my corporate-slaving life is that whatever the industry, you always need someone to point out the pointless-ness of it all.

Sure some industry are actually important, education, medicine, and law come to mind, basically a work where you're actually making a difference.

But it's fucking important to have someone who isn't swallowed by the propaganda.

Heck, I even love one question that basically asked "people click on ads?" you're on the right track. 

It's fucking pointless, these companies are spending millions of dollar just so other people know that they're somehow unique and different.

Is iPhone 13 is really that significantly better than 12? To the point Apple needs to release it every single fucking year.

Do you really need that 360 camera on your car? 

This post will contain my ramblings, mostly. 

The funniest shit happened last week, as I was getting ready to go to work, all good, I salim my mom and she aid "why aren't anyone in love with my son?" such a left field comment I just laugh. 

I don't know, the answer is I don't know, it is within the realm of possibility that a lot of people find me attractive, for whatever reason, but they find me - which I have one friend said this to me - intimidating. 

Apparently, always trying to look on purpose is intimidating. Blame Batman. 

Or people just find me infuriating to be with and won't bother at all, like at all. 

The real answer is who fucking knows, I can observe and point out the slightest change of atmosphere in a room, but Zeus help me, I will never be able to guess whether someone likes me or not. 

Heck I have friends of 15 years, and I still think that they are merely tolerating my fucking existence.

So ladies, if you find me attractive just hold my face and tell me you're attracted to me, or if you're more than 20cms shorter than me, ask me to sit first so we're level. 

Who am I kidding, even if someone do that to me, my sick sick sick weird self esteem will tell me that they're pranking me. 

Oh to grow up without warmth.

I am not saying my parents does not love me, I believe they do, but they way they're loving me does not help. They do things that parents do: sacrifice themselves for me, and my siblings. 

They're the typical boomer parents. 

Sure I grew up to be independent and self sustainable person, but maybe, just maybeeeee, a little bit of warmth would help, a little hug here and there, a little acceptance about who I am. 

To be perfectly fucking honest, I don't even know whether I am capable to be in a relationship, as in, those relationships that more often than not ends up in marriage. 

This is not even about the whole "I have to create room for other human beings" pragmatic shit, it's more "am I capable of loving?" 

WOW THAT GOT DARK FAST BOI

Please watch The Batman on HBOGO Asia on April 18th.

kemarau cinta

I might have sport kink.

What an opening sentence.

You know sometimes you have unnecessary and unexplainable thoughts, and most of the time also uncontrollable, one example is I always think of "what if I jump from here" whenever I'm looking down while I'm on the 5th or 6th floor of a shopping mall. 

This is another weird thought whenever I see a person who is too skinny, "if tackle her/him, they'll break an arm aren't they?" 

I won't tackle them, sure, but those people doesn't seem robust? And somehow unconsciously this also factors in when I find someone attractive. 

I know robust is not a normal prerequisite for a life partner, but somehow it is? Because I don't think I can handle non robust person. 

Why am I writing this? Because I have a new crush. 

She might not be the hottest girl in the smoking area, I don't event know her name, I don't even know where she works other than under the same parent company as mine, but she got the right balance between cute and sporty, also this is what I notice earlier today, she looks practical, also on purpose, at ease? At least that what my head said to me from observing from the past few weeks. 

Basically I'm a sucker for someone who looks like they care only just enough to be socially acceptable, basically my people. 

She looks like she's a robust person. 

She looks like the rest of my life. 

Brb muntah