darling

One of my biggest fear is that I will forget Bryan, that life would goes by and I'll forget him.

I'm happy to announce that I still love him. 

Everytime I see his photo, the memories rushes in, not as much as it was back then, but still enough to produce excess tears in my eyes.

I remember how his fur felt like, how big he was, how his stare was like, what he smells like. 

It's only been 3 months since that day, of course the previous 8 years and 8 months is much much stronger. 

He would've been 9 today, I miss him. 

brb beli BMW R-nine

So yesterday I got another story of "my spouse changed a lot since we got married, so was he/she faking it when we were dating?"

This kind of story just increased my willpower to say fuck these institutions, these Idea that one should get married, that marriage is the endgame, fuck endgame - Also, Avengers Endgame, fuck them - I'm going to live for now.

I already live for now tho, I have blond hair for fucks sake. 

I want the thing, it's nice, but I don't really need it, and I don't think I should get it, if it happens it happens I guess. 

It's rarely I talked about this shit isn't it? But I guess it's kinda okay to talk about it. 

I know and understand it takes a lot of effort to get into a relationship, and ever more so for maintaining it, one human is messy, imagine two humans?? So here's the thing with me, I don't like putting more effort than the absolute minimum, out of my 30 years, I only put effort in things for like 6 months, second semester of year 2 high school. 

I got into relationship once by accident, I had too much time, she did too, so we talked a lot, might as well got into into it. 

I don't have memory of putting maximum effort, not once. I remember putting more effort than minimum, mostly just so I don't have put more effort in longer term, and some of it just out of spite. 

People who says that relationship just works is either a liar or getting lied at, it is hard work, it is continuous work, I haven't find anyone who is worth the effort. 

Why write about this? Well, I'm 31 this year, I would be lying if I said this shit doesn't cross my mind, but I have values that are not exactly idaman mertua, like my indifference to tradition and religion. 

Sure its easy to tell people I don't really believe in God, most people my age would just let it go, some will try to debate but all give up when I asked for empirical evidence other than faith, but considering a lot of people still consider themselves a believer of certain religion even after consistently sinning more than me, it's a hard sell. 

Well, my KTA will finish in 2 months, I'll have extra money, probably buy a fancy 1440p monitor for working at home. 

bro bro bro

I haven't got any sleep, I'll probably sleep in 30 minutes or so.

I have wrote about songs being a time machine over and over again, but I think the fact I am one of those people that play certain songs on repeat like crazy, makes the time machine effect much stronger on me.

These songs are the songs that I played on repeat around December until around New year, with Every Summertime being the most played, like literally hundreds of time per day.

If the memories associated with songs are good, I will experience that bittersweet feeling that usually comes with realization about how long the time have passed.

If I listen to Hometown Cha Cha Cha's soundtrack, I'll remember my boy Bryan, and get sad, even when the song is fun, I consciously decided not to play any song in the week following his passing, I know I can't never listen to those songs anymore. 

On and about Every Summertime, it's mostly positive memories, got back into the office, I enjoyed my time at the office, I met a lot of new people, finally met people that I already talked a lot via email, it's mostly nice. 

But there is always that ninja, like I can't really enjoy it as much anymore, the song. I might be able to in the future, when time have filled my life with more stuff. 

But one thing I learn is just keep listen to that song, sooner or later new memories will be associated with it anyway. 

Oh and I have Ps5 now