Bingung judul ape

 Most of my Collections are reasonably new, because well I only got my own money since 2016, and I got more disposable income just 2 years ago, so it makes sense most of them are from the last 2-to 3 years.

But there are few that's been with me since the mid-2000s, I'm serious, I have toys from 2005. Sure at a certain period, they spent time in their box, because somehow I don't have a place for them, but now they're in my room, like a witness of my growth.

But one particular thing, I bought it like 2-3 months after release, so I bought it new-new, first release, not a re-release, that thing is MG Strike Noir from Gundam Seed: Stargazer.

Here's a picture from mbah google

The coolest thing is, being a model kit, I upgraded this guy like 6 months ago, and even from this upgrade process, I can see how much my building skills grow, it's kinda bittersweet.

Thanks to multiple earthquakes throughout the year some of my Gunpla broke, so I threw them away, somehow this dude stays.

The other toy is Abaren-Oh

The condition is not that good, there are some broken parts, but it stands, so it's nice.

I bought both of them I think in my first year of highschool, or last year of junior highschool, so 05-06, a person born in 2000 started working this year, in 4-5 years I will meet coworker as old as these toys.

Shit I'm old.

Milky Way

Heyo bitches wazap.

So earlier today I read this excerpt from Susan Sontag, she said below;

“It’s not ‘natural’ to speak well, eloquently, in an interesting articulate way. People living in groups, families, communes say little—have few verbal means. Eloquence—thinking in words—is a byproduct of solitude, deracination, a heightened painful individuality.”

Now, this revert back to the functional skill that I have, this set of skill that according to my friend, family, and coworker is good to have, great to have even, and I kinda take pride in that, but like any villain origin story, or sad protagonist, when I try to trace back how I learned these set of skills, all of them are fucking defense mechanism.

As to not to make this post full of self-celebration, or even worse, self-masturbatory, heck even the word self-masturbatory is weird, you masturbate alone, I'll list a few that have been confirmed by my sister, you know, a person who grew up in the same weird family like I did.

I'm good at explaining and understanding things, well, it's nice to have right? You have very little miscommunication at work, in personal and professional life, right? Do you want this skill? Try growing up with parents that will take the worst response possible to your statement. You can say, "I don't think I like Apple" and the response would be "So you hate your parents", how did they go from statement A to B? I don't know, so I have to learn how to state "I don't think I like Apple" without any loophole for the worst response possible, my fucking brain is thinking like 20 possible bad faith responses before stating a supposedly neutral statement.

The other side is that I learned to understand the implicit meaning, because when my parent said, "We should buy this", I have to understand all the multiple routes where my response could be taken as an attack, what a fucking joke.

The result, my explanation email is emotionless and fucking clear, if the other person still can't understand it they probably graduated high school with the worst score in reading comprehension.

Skill number two is I'm good at reading people's emotions or reading the room, it's good, I can deescalate tension - or escalate if I'm in the mood - in any forum, also most people are so fucking easy to read. Oh, you want this skill? Try growing up with parents that at 11AM is fine, and at 11.15AM would have a screaming match with each other.

I am also a fucking good liar, you know when people said the lie will reveal itself because people can't track their lies? because to cover that one lie, you have to create another lie, and you wouldn't be able to track those lies? That's amateur, the secret of a good lie is 80% truth and change the remaining 20%, and make sure that 20% is those that can't be confirmed.

You're meeting someone at a certain place that you don't want other people to know? Tell them the place and time is real, they can confirm that, change the small details.

Now the last, and the worst, people who are eloquent is fucking lonely, and yeah that's right, the only reason I'm good at this writing thingy is that I spent a buttload of my free time alone in my room, reading all these sappy and sad articles, sometimes if I'm in the mood, those books with too many words for my liking.

I don't even know there are things called passive sentences, I just know if I put the words in a certain order it could be taken a certain way, change the order, people will read it differently.

So am I proud of these skills? Yeah, fuck yes, I get paid unreasonably because of these skills, at least the coping mechanism I developed to survive at least have monetary value, it's not like I coped with shitty upbringing by drinking myself to sleep at 17, or went into a weird relationship, I coped by fucking writing on a blog and reading articles about shitty upbringing, so at least there's something about how coped that brought me here.

Do I want a good upbringing? loving and caring parents and I'd grow up as a mentally healthy adult, yeah sure. 

But if I have to choose that, or these skills which makes me able to work like 3 hours a day and getting paid these much? Nah, I'd do it again. 

There are already a lot of normal people, normal as in person that doesn't have these fucking skills, I need my unique selling point.

watane

I read this manga and one dialogue catches my eye, the scene is the main character is better now, and the antagonist said that "you got stronger.", in which the protagonist answered, "I learnt to be weak".

Few chapters before the protagonist unlocks this newfound belief, another character concluded that "weak is seed of strong, strong is fruit of weak" 

I'm paraphrasing, the sentence was said by a character that barely able to speak the language. 

There's something about these exchanges that just works, I guess. 

By only knowing your weakness, that you can be strong, I guess.

The thing about arrogance is that it blindside you, accepting that you have weakness is not weak, it just means that you're aware of your surroundings. 

It all comes back to that Ra's Al Ghul exchange in Batman Begins isn't it? I think it's just nice seeing another version of it and it feels like I learn something new-ish.

I can be better, I can always be better than now. 

The world's not ready. 

pake acara kopid

When brian passed away, I have this urge just to love people to the point I'm too active on dating apps, I got 2 dates with this one girl, I got batman-ed aka gone when I'm not looking, then I decided to enjoy my 74kg body and blond hair and enjoying all the attention I got with it.

But a friend and one and only reader of this blog raised an interesting question, can I really date a person if I often find a person boring after a few interactions? The answer is I don't know.

But one thing I know is that I'm good at making the other person comfortable, growing up in a shitty unstable household means I can read people too well, so there's that.

There are instances where people are suddenly comfortable entering my personal space long before I'm comfortable with them, I always thought it was weird but I think it means that people find me comfortable.

So maybe I should just do that, if suddenly I feel that sense of "oh god no not again" aka "fuck no I'm crushing on this person goodbye 100% self-control hello playlists full of lovesongs", instead of erecting a fucking great wall of China, I should just ask her out.

Wait, I should find out first whether she's single, or whether she's a former student of a friend of mine, it's a matter of life and death.

If those two are clear, then well, ask her out, I guess.

meh, I'll panic when the time comes, for now, it's just an idea and an idea, my friend, is bulletproof, should I watch V for Vendetta?

drive safe

I'm now exactly at my pre pandemic weight, 75,5kg. That's 2 years ago, around this time last year I was 80 something kg, I was 83-4 at my heaviest.

Never in those days where I was in 80s, I panicked, never, because I know the way, I've been there before, so it's just a matter of actually doing it.

I started the losing weight program in Nov 2021, I think I was 81kg, 3 months later I'm 75,5kg. 

Here's the thing, never in my mind this feels like a hard thing to do, especially after I learn about how human body functions, we're not adapted to this much surplus of food, so our body actually pretty effective machine. If what you eat is good, you won't feel hungry that much. My receipt of losijg weight? Just don't eat 

The thing is, when I told other people how I lose my weight, most response I got is "anjir willpower lo gede juga" 

Nyet, not eating does not need willpower, you just have to be lazy enough to not eat, be so fucking lazy eating is a chore. 

One thing I notice, habit played a big part, like rice, there are people who just have to have rice, but rice is just another food. 

Most people are unwilling to take a step back and evaluate their lifestyle to the barebones. Why are you doing certain things certain way? 

Another 3 kilos, I might take a week break and go into maintenance mode. 

Also, going from losing weight, that's the thing about progress, other people only see the result. 

The reason I'm single for 13 years is mostly emotional unavailability and not knowing what healthy relationship looks like, but because I look mostly okay right now, people think I'm a commitment phobic asshole, aka playboy. 

Like how I change my eating habit - which is fucking easy, just don't have cash at hand, and too lazy to go to the atm - I change how I think, this is hard, it's too easy to fall into the old trap, like maybe I don't deserve love, fuck that, I'm the most lovable bitter asshole you can find. 

Imposter syndrome for example, sometimes I experience this, do I deserve any of this? Fuck that, if the entire industry decided I'm a fucking god then so be it. If one fucking day someone asks me "nic, you're not as smart as I thought you were", you're damn fucking right I don't even know how I arrived here, I slept all fucking day, either you're too smart or the entire industry is fucking stupid, eitherway I got my Honda Civic RS *finger's crossed 

Yes motivation can come from positive place, but at least for me, what works is the fact that we're all fucking stupid, sometimes I search for my phone when I'm holding it. Yes I might be your go to guy for some things - well, a lot of things - but ask me about romance and I'll laugh and ask you to search for a teacher together. 

When you treat life as it needs to be treated - I admit this needs a lot of fucking nuance, and some people just suck at it - you'll find that most things don't matter. 

I wear same set of clothes for a week in the office and the only comment I get is that I am a manga character. People might notice but they most of the time won't comment. If they comment, fuck them.