Ga mau pulang jadi di mall sendirian

I started to write this post in 19.40, di Starbucks Lippo Mall Kemang.

I ordered a smoked beef panini and the standard iced americano on the rock, with one shot of liquid whipped cream.

The female cashier's eyes are so beautiful I am already dreaming of our life together.

Now I'm listening to Lee Hi's 4 ONLY album, my current muse.

So, why do I need to write right here right now in a fucking mall? Honest answer? I don't know.

Daily covid cases are increasing, I think yesterday's increase was 7000-ish cases, the shitty thing is they only broadcast the cases, but not ICU conditions, how many hospitalizations? How many are dead? Typical Indonesian, always presenting data devoid of context.

Oh, a few hours ago I saw an older lady scratching her crotch while walking, what a traumatic experience, I wasn't ready.

Well, you'll never be ready for that kind of thing.

This year, people that were born in 2000 that finish their university in 3,5 years will enter the workforce, I'm not ready to be called pak, mas sure, I prefer kak, but pak? holy fucking shit.

Oh, there is a couple flirting next to me, the dude is wearing shorts and sandals, while the dudette is wearing a standard mall outfit, talk about love being blind huh?

But her eyes tho, so beautiful

 

Kebab XL no pedas no lettuce pake Keju Slice

Few weeks ago, I got ninja-ed, it felt like shit, to the point that when I see people posting happy shit I felt angry.

I wasn't at the right state of mind. 

Fast forward 3 weeks later, I am fine, too fine to the point I need to get my ego checked.

So here I am, pooping after consuming dulcolax and coffee, talk about shitty combo, figuratively and literally, while scrolling the cesspool that is Instagram, and people are posting their happy shit. 

I know one of them is having financial difficulties, I know one of them is facing too much pressure from work, I know few of them are not exactly happy and dandy. 

So I am thinking while I'm pooping and listening to Lee Hi, am I less happy than them? Am I less content about my life compared to them? And the answer is not really. 

Sure I have things I want to improve, mostly my flappy stomach, but even that already on progress, I lost 6-7kg since November.

Career wise I am pretty good, people perceived me positively, be it personally or professionally, to the point that I'm the first name people suggest whenever there's someone looking for boyfriend.

Things that I have control about, they are all good. 

Things that I don't have control, well, I can't do anything anyway so why worry.

I feel so at ease with myself that I was able to spend 3 hours doing nothing while sitting in starbucks.

My hair looks like Rosiana silalahi tho, but that's also workable.

I like where I am right now, I like my friends, I like my coworkers, I like my car and my motorbike. 

Now I realize why I spent the last 13 years single, I have pretty good support system, I never really felt lacking of anything. I have different friend for different things. 

Lightly nic, treat life like you treat that throttle and clutch.

P.s don't combine coffee, milk, and dulcolax, this feels awful

Indomie Goreng Pedas

There's something about aimlessly driving/riding at night, well, there's something about doing things aimlessly, doing something for the sake of doing it. 

It feels like an act of self love and self care, it's like saying "I like doing this for myself, I don't care that I don't get anything in return". 

Technically we do get something in return, life always give something back sooner or later, whether you realize it or not.

It's basically the first law of thermodynamics, that energy can neither be created nor destroyed, only altered in form, see how poetic that shit is? You know I'm in my prime when I'm finding physics poetic.

Romantic Saturday

This is nice.

This is a particularly nice Saturday.

There aren't any scheduled events, so I slept for most of it.

And when I am awake, I spent it on productive things, I clean my room, I bought some groceries, and make my own black pepper sauce chicken wings, instead of buying it from Wingstop, I read some nice articles about Evangelion, now I am reading an essay about how someone could go deep into conspiracy theory.

I am reading those articles while also listening to some songs, sometimes I stopped reading so I can enjoy the song a little bit more. Sometimes it's the guitar riffs, sometimes it's the beat, sometimes it's the lyrics, sometimes it's how the singer sings the lyrics, basically, I'm giving the song my undivided attention.

Oh and I ordered ChaTime Dalgonana, it was nice.

This Saturday feels like a rest well earned, or it should be well-earned rest? grammatically? who cares.

The weekend of 20-21 November 2021 was the worst, for obvious reason, and would be the worst for foreseeable future, even the weekend of Christmas where I encountered a Ninja, wasn't that bad, by Monday I was okay, by that Tuesday I was already singing songs while riding my motorbike.

That Christmas weekend felt so important back then, by this Friday I have 3 different crushes.

I have bright blond hair and I like it.

This is nice, it's nice when nothing happens.

Things will happen, but it's nice when I'm feeling this serene.

Serene, probably my second favorite word, only behind "anjing" or any other interpretation of it.

Happy first weekend of 2022

lightly

I read on Pinterest that we should treat a lot of things lightly until it means something.

That most of things in life is just passing through, but I am not that kind of person, well I wasn't, I am now. 

But to arrive here I need to understand its essence, about treating things lightly. 

Treating it lightly does not mean not taking it seriously, but you should not give it deeper meaning, you should not try to give meaning when there aren't any. 

Like someone cutting you in traffic, it meant nothing, they are not an asshole, they might be a bad driver, or they have to catch the birth of their child, who knows, who cares, it doesn't affect you 5 minutes from now, it meant practically nothing. 

Treating life lightly is a lot like riding a motorcycle, or driving a car. Treat the throttle lightly, you're not going to push the throttle suddenly right? When there's a room sure, when there's nothing then you follow the traffic. 

You're still taking the act of driving/riding seriously, if not you'll crash, but you'll do it lightly, with finesse.

So yeah, treat it lightly son. 

2021 recap, kind of

2021 started with one clear idea, Brian would go home at certain point of 2021, and on 22nd of November 2021, around 12PM, he went home to doggo heaven.

So here's the thing, a lot happened in 2021, I got covid, I bought a car, I did that thing where I become interim of something at work for 9 months, got vaccinated, bought another motorcycle, etc etc, but its significance pales compared to Brian's passing. 

That one fateful day did more to me than my previous 3 years of consistent effort to be better, his passing shifts my perspective to the place I never knew I'd be.

A lot more happened in the last 5 weeks of 2021 to my personal growth compared to previous 47 weeks, if we're comparing this to college, the past 5 weeks was like 70% of total score. 

It could be recency bias, but at least for now it feels like that. 

Suddenly the grief, the wailing, the crying, was worth it. That 8 years and 8 months that he was with us was worth it then and worth it now even without him. 

I can't count how many times his existence saved me, one reason I got a job was to feed him better, so he doesn't have to eat corned beef and rice, so we can pay groomer to groom him, now that I realise it, it's always been clear, one of my life motivation, why I didn't just decide to stop everything, and fucking kill myself, was because I love Brian. 

I never really entertain the idea of suicide so don't worry but I need the drama for effect. 

One of the new idea incepted in my head is relationship - not talking romantic ones, but just human relationships I have with my butt load of friends - is not a burden, it's actually a source of motivation, the hope that I would spend time with my people keeps me alive, it makes my job worth it.

I've gone out more in 5 weeks compared to the last 5 weeks pre pandemic.

It's nice being remembered, it's nice when friends are thinking to include you to their already close group of friends. 

I used to think that I need to have my own people, but I can't own people, they will have their own people who they know looooong before they know me, and being invited to that group, is a fucking privilege. 

So that's how it is, that's my 2021

Oh, and I turned 30, and a lot of people couldn't believe it, I got asked why I looked 27. 

it's January 1st 2022 and I'm yearning for June

I am a sucker at people enjoying being themselves to the point of abandon.

There are a lot of pressure just by virtue of being alive, the pressure to act certain way, to dress certain way, to have achieved certain things by certain age, and then there are the personal, private pressure that only each individual know.

The pressure to earn because we're all part of the sandwich, the pressure to just survive because God knows what are these people are feeling in their lonely 3AM, and yes I include those who are not technically alone - thos with significant other, married couples - because having someone does not guarantee that you're not lonely. 

So there's something special about someone who sings their heart out even when they can't really sing, about someone that dance the night away even when their steps are out rhythm, and the best is those who laughs to the point of not being able to function. 

There is something about someone who embrace their own personality and you can see it from the way they dress and think, when you see them even from a miles away you can say, "yup, that's them" 

Every time I see my friends do that I fall in love a little bit more with them, and this love thing is not gender specific, like I love them whenever they do something fun just for the fun of it.

Jurgen Klopp says something about his dream, that he wants to make sure his Liverpool team have their own characters that when they play in pink with masks to hide their faces, you will know it's Liverpool just by their way of playing. 

So that's my new year resolutions for 2022, to live my life, doing things I love, to be genuinely me recklessly. 

Yeah only two resolutions, I'm ambitious like that. 

Happy New Year 2022 guys.