ratatata

I like a lot of things about Indonesia.

This comes from a sightly privileged adult, yeah I'm a sandwich gen, but at certain point of my life, my dad earnt enough that I went to pretty good school and college. 

A lot of Indonesian are pretty uncritical, so by being slightly critical and/or tricky, you can go a long way, either you can put the work + trick and climb that ladder, or go all trick and basically do nothing. 

Again, you actually have to understand what you do and understand it well so you can game the system, and be humble enough to cover all bases, someone out there is smarter than you, yeah your smarter than most, but someone out there is better. 

Our driver license is worth shit, I don't have one and I drive better than most. 

Things I hate? The fact that religion - not just Islam, mind you - is so ingrained in society, like it's not a personal thing, it's a thing that government actually give a shit about. 

Also, just religion in general. 

People often said there are 250 mill something person in Indonesia, 97% of them Muslims, half of them female, you should be able to find someone, right? 

Fuck no. 

If you reduce it to someone emotionally available who is kind and live in and around you - like 20km ranege - , you reduce it to basically 50.

Now I find one, hits all the checklist, but through sheer luck, she's a frickin Catholic. 

Bayangin lo punya a rough draft of what a person you would like to build a life with, some things are a must, most are negotiable. 

Trus tiba2 ketemu nih, yang wajib ada semua, yg negotiable I can still live with.

Tapi katolik, kalo kita orang eropah mah santai, tapi ini endonesah.

6 minggu kemudian the talk happened, conclusion = we can't get married, why invest time and effort? We should cut this off before it gets too serious. 

The thing is, none of us want this to end, we still like to talk to each other. 

I'm so fucking sad right now but yah gitu deh

Fuck no, fuck them. 

A month, that's all it takes for them to grant judgement that no, they wouldn't like to get to know me better.

A month. 

I am as a person have so much depth in me that it'll take someone decades to figure out, heck, we're all are. 

I knew it hurts, still hurts a bit sometimes, but logically, if someone rejects you without knowing you, are they really rejecting you? 

When they say no to you after only knowing 1% of your life, can you really say that they reject your being? 

The answer is no, hard no. 

So no. 

Yes I was sad, still sad sometimes, but technically they did not say no to me, she said no to her idea of me, based on limited data available to them. 

Also, this is also about growth, my own growth. 

When bad shit happened, we learnt from it.

Now in regards of self worth, I worth something, my worth is not 0, none of us are. 

I am funny, I am smart, I am empathetic, I am kind,  I am all of those things and more.

Other people's choice of not to have me in their life is their loss. 

ah elah

I think you don't have any ill intent, but don't hold someone's hand if you don't plan to hold it for the considerably future.

don't tell me, "we've been talking for a few weeks"

we're not just talking.

you woke up at 4am to text me because I have a 4am flight.

don't hold my hand.

don't put your head on my shoulder.

don't tell me your trauma while holding my hand so strongly.

don't make me feel loved and then leave in less than 48 hours.

I'd like to think you don't have ill intent, for my mental health.

I am adult enough to understand that unless there's a conversation about what we are, we're just talking.

but it hurts nonetheless.

holy shit it hurts.

If I were home right now I would fucking cry, it takes a whole lot of willpower not to let any tears out.

Luna, I told you why I am anxious kan, "Kalo dia ilang, gue harus gimana?", less than 12 hours lun

less than 12 hours, "gue mau serius sama satu orang"

But then,

it fucking shows how much growth I have experienced that instead of anger, it's just sadness, pure sadness. It's grief. 

the first few sentences in this post, it's not out of anger, but out of, I don't know. A plea? A beg? A public service announcement? out of love.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Yeah

When they said, "love yourself first, treat yourself like you treat people you love, with care, do things that would make them - yourself - happy"

I did and will do, and when shit happens, it shows how it helps, I have my support system.

I'm going to take time to grief this, this love that I no longer have an output for, I'll spread it elsewhere.

I have attached my resume for your reference

what is grief if not love persevering, someone said on tumblr. 

So I am grieving, because I have so much of things I'd like to share, but alas my self worth is a thing I prioritise most, and it said "no, you deserve better" 

But I am still sad, and am allowing myself to be sad. 

Thank god I have build a life that I like to be in. 

And Monday arrives, I like Monday, it's a start of a new week, to reset, or to just change into something new altogether.

I don't know how long I'd be sad for, but meh, the fact that I can feel sad means I can feel happy.

I'll meet my friends, my coworker, and we'll have a good coffee/smoke break, a decent lunch, a gossip session, or just do nothing but stare at the hyperactive cat that lives on our office. 

I'd dress nicely just to add small thing to make myself feel good.

But you know what, I'm glad I keep myself open, yeah this was shot off target if we're using football nomenclature, but the next chance will come. 

To live is to suffer.

Not to romanticize suffering, but I'd like it if most of life is a lot like how I felt after 90 minutes of football match. 

Tired, dirty, out of breath, might even losing the match, but take comfort at the fact that I tried. 

I tried to win, I wanted to win, the fact that I tried matters. 

I'd like to think life is a lot like a striker's mindset: try to be in the right position to score goals as much as possible. Yes you might end up shooting 100 and score 1, but the fact you're there, you're in the position to score matters. Then in one match you scored a hattrick.

Langit Favoritku

I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking thankful.

bar one thing, 99% of my week was fucking awesome.

I don't even know how to put it into a coherent blog post.

There is care in "ka nico sini hapenya biar ga drunk text" and she proceeds to hold my phone until I am sober enough not to drunk text.

There is connection in "nic sebenernya cewe tipe lo yang kayak gimana sih? siapa tau bisa kita bantuin"

There was a sense of achievement when someone everyone admires said "Kayaknya kita udah pernah ketemu ya?" when I technically reintroduced myself 3 years after the first encounter, my friends said it was modus, the person who said it was married, happily I hope. However, nope, still modus, she at least finds me attractive.

The "bisa kali sini dulu ngobrol kita" in between of our busy lives.

When people look for me when they find something funny, sad, or scandalous??

That we have a lot of people with the same interests.

Just talk man, we almost always have a common thing with other people, don't hide it.

I'm in a such good place right now.

wouldn't let that one disturbs it too much.

enough

I have so much anger in me.

A disappointed optimist, hell of a description. 

I know we as a society can be better if we tried a little, but we aren't, how fucking sad is that? 

I understand that life is a chaos of random encounters.

That you can't really deserve anything really, and it's so fucking sad.

It's fucking sad that hope almost always leads to disappointment, it's fucking sad that "outcome independent" is a thing we teach people so they're less anxious about life. 

It's fucking sad that we have a best seller titled "the art of not giving a fuck" 

How the fuck we end up this way? That giving a fuck is a bad thing?? 

And I just gave that advice to a friend, told him to stop helping people who rejects helping hand. 

I fucking understand why, because we only have limited fuck to give.

And that's so fucking sad. 

I believe we should give a little bit fuck. Just a little, we cannot give a fuck if we're empty tho. 

I am angry because life could be so much better if we give a fuck to each other. 

go higher

Love is always there, it might not be where you want it to come from, but if you look around, it's always there.

For the past few months, I have allowed myself to look, and at certain point, I realize what I saw is love.

Love is there when someone notices my hair is slightly different that day. 

Love is there when my friends knows me well enough they trust me I'd laugh and understand their jokes. 

It's there when my friends are making fun of me whenever I feel like I'm the most handsomest person in my workplace.

It's there when they ask me to go to buy coffee with them. 

It's there when someone had uncomfortable yet necessary conversation with me. 

It might not what you think what love would look like, you might not even really like how it take forms, but it's love nonetheless. 

One reason I can survive some of the hardest time of my life is thanks to them. 

They have their own life but still they include me in theirs, sure people come and go but when they're here, holy shit they're really here. 

Sure sometimes some things are too big, too hostile for love to defeat it, but what matters was that the love was there. 

My sister commented on one of Instagram repost, about how I am loved by those around me, how they're enjoying my existence. 

We'd have bad days, but holy shit I can't imagine how worse it might be without these people. 

I know when you're around my age, the next stage is starting a family.

But next stage implies there are stages before the next stage, and I think my life is just starting.

Ideally, you went out of your home at early 20s with 20+ years of development, with stable and supportive family, to give you that strong foundation to face this adulting shit. 

But my life is not really ideal, I went out facing adult world with nothing but guts and sheer willpower. 

It wasn't easy, it's easier to just do just enough. 

But I think the fact that I entered the adult world with nothing and just trying to fight everyone with my pent up anger actually helped me. 

I had options, but my insistence to just fight everyone out of spite and just proof myself as the smartest man in the room kinda helped, well, helped a lot. 

Me being actually slightly smarter than most also helped, so I actually had something to back my shit ass ego. 

My starting point was like 50 meters behind other people's starting line, and I basically crawl myself to starting line with this strong belief that "no, my way is the right way".

Technically, it was "my way is the right way, oh you think you have better idea? Try me. See? Told you fucking so I was right" 

More often than not, I was right.

The point is, those suffering brought me here, to a place where I am at peace.

I know I have my knowledge to back me up, I also know that there are a lot of things I don't know. 

I have pretty awesome set of friends to support me when I need it. 

That's why the idea of sharing this version of myself with other person, to allow other person to enter my life and enjoy my current best self feels heavy to me, "fuck no, you don't get to enjoy this version of me" 

This isn't exactly an adult thing to think, but hey we can't all be perfect. 

I don't know, who fucking cares. 

DON DON DON

 I spent too much money on Super Sentai/Power Ranger's Mecha/Zord, I know this, like I objectively understand.

BUT IT'S SOOOO FUNNN.

I can have 5 mecha combined into 1 FUCKING GIANT ROBOT???

Jelas saja gue buang2 uang buat beli, fuck financial responsibility for this one time.

3 weeks until this bad boi get here.

dancing with my phone thinking about you

Having a crush is nice.

Understanding that someone you see often in your office building is beautiful is one thing. Like you understand that they are objectively very beautiful. But technically they're nobodies, it's purely physical. 

But having a crush is a whole lot of things. 

A fist bump is all it takes.

There are a lot of better looking person out there, but none of them are jompo enough they bring salonpas everywhere, and none of them fistbumps with me when pamit pulang. 

Crush used to consume me, now I kinda understand a crush is just a start, and trying - with concious effort - to understand your cursh is the next step. 

But even then, we're not allowed to be to eager, that somehow when we're crushing and would like to know them, we also have to show them that our live is fine without them.

I guess it makes sense, one single person can't be another person's whole world, that's too much of a responsibility.

So yeah, I'm formally having a crush on someone since like 930pm.

This is a very weird feeling, that I know I'm crushing on someone, and these fucking love songs are full with her, but I'm not consumed by it.

I guess now I see them as a person, sometimes when you're crushing on someone, you're filling in the knowledge gap yourself and what basically what would happen is disappointments.

Treating them as blank canvas - a knowledge in which I have no source, probably just due to healthier mental state - is much more, a lot like discovering hobbies. 

menemukanmu

Di timeline IG dan Twitter saya lagi banyak yg retweet short comics soal bagaimana menjadi dewasa itu melelahkan to the point of buat excited terhadap sesuatu itu aja udah ga ada tenaga lagi. 

Jujur I relate to that a lot, circa 2017-2018 saya pun seperti itu, I missed a lot of anime and movies karena mostly mager sih, terlalu capek buat jalan ke bioskop terdekat yang tinggal nyebrang perempatan sarinah itu. 

But I think it's a choice, it's the only thing we can actually choose, you know? It's not like my friends are really working themselves to the death to survive, most of them are from a well off family, with even better career than mine, or at least better financially. 

Sure there's a lot of external factor in our life, but having something fun to look forward to is something we can choose. 

Yeah I talk from a position of a single man with pretty nice income, tapi kehidupan saya sekarang ini ya kumpulan pilihan saya selama ini.

Yeah I overthink a lot, like a lot, to the point I have to concentrate to consciously telling myself not to think, but I think the good thing about it is that I actually think about my life, a lot.

Some of it were wrong, but I think, therefore I actually continuously making conscious choice. 

I make a conscious effort to have fun. 

I do adult things, I am part of sandwich generation for fucks sake, half of my paycheck is for household needs, I don't even have a wife and my money is gone by the 3rd day after payday. So it's not like I have this privilege position, financially at least, and also responsibility, I have like a lot.

But I choose to have fun, I'll whine when I want to, and I have friends to whine with when I want to. 

But at 30, I am actually fucking content with my life. 

I'd love for that model-level looking former coworker to actually be something, but meh, I enjoy my waking day. I enjoy being an 8 in a sea of 6s. 

I do have shitty boss, I do have shit coworkers, I have bad days, I still have bad thoughts sometimes, but meh I'm human.

I like my weight, I like how I look most days, I like my phone, I like my wardrobe, I like my car and motorcycle. 

No its not perfect, they could get better of fucking course, but what I currently possessed, I made conscious choice according to my value. I compromised where I can, of course, but I like what I have.

I have a lot of things I am excited for.

I guess having been a bit depressed, I learnt that I need to enjoy the smallest thing. If the new chapter of batman is what keeps you alive, so be it. It doesn't have to be this grand thing with grand purpose. 

Sometimes - well, most of the times - these small things that matters most, eating the next good food, having a good laugh, sing that song from your heart with your friends.

Yeah plan your life if you can, strategize, but don't take it too seriously. Play, give yourself play. 

berharap tak berpisah 2

Communal experience man.

How I missed this. 

Yes I can do my job at my home, but I find out my surroundings gave this weird energy that I can't really explain. 

There is a bit of understanding, that we had this worldwide experience in covid, that somehow for me, coming out at the other side of this world event, I have this new acceptance that yeah we're just trying to survive man. 

Sometimes we look dashing that all the eyes are us, sometimes we just want to survive through the day.

Traffic sucks but it's significantly better than thousands of death everyday. 

Gila

Saya kadang cuma mikir gitu, abis pandemi, vaksin 3 kali, hidup balik semi normal.

Tapi sekarang pake ekstra empati.

Umat manusia dapet konteks baru dari pandemi ini, kalo dibandingkan dengan kematian, kerjaan telat dua hari itu ga ada apa2nya.

They're so strong, yet so weak, stupid yet wise.

Saut2an lawakan, nyanyi bareng, gila.

I won't take it for granted, all of this. 

galih ratna

I finally have master it, I know how to not overthink.

I still overthink few things, most of them are things that I'm not really good at, like romance.

Most things are fine, like now I can receive an information that someone is not in a good mood, or worse, someone is not fond of me, and I can just accept it and said information not affecting me at all.

I know it, I acknowledge it, but I also understand that it's not really in my control?

I have this one really stupid coworker that somehow makes basic mistakes all the time, but because I think these happened out of ignorance instead of malice - or I'd like to think so, for my own sanity - I somehow manage to just "meh" it? Yeah I still whine because whining is fun, but I just do the thing that they're suppose to do but can't do it, because to be perfectly honest it's not really that hard.

I no longer have extreme emotional response to their stupidity. 

Road rage is another thing tho, I swear a lot.

I'm really proud of myself.

I'm so cold

One of my favourite thing in life is discovering that things I that I chose to do out of necessities are apparently a good survival mechanism that therapist often suggests to their patients.

First thing is simplify your life, get the basics right, something worth doing is worth doing badly, these three thing are the same thing basically.

There are a lot of things to do in 24 hours, mindfully choosing which aspect of your life to focus on is a thing, when to wake up, what to wear, when to go to the office, what to eat. Pick and choose, I chose to wear black all the time because what I wear is the thing I care the least.

But sometimes I care about what I wear, so there are days where I look fucking awesome, but it's okay to just look okay. 

Second is add as many happy things in your life as possible. Being adult sucks, if having that slightly nicer motorcycle makes your commute slightly more fun then buy that shit. Eat that ice cream, drink that teh botol.

Yeah yeah delayed gratification is a sign of intelligence but for fucks sake I need that teh botol for my sanity.

And you know what? These things helped me. 

Yeah I feel like I'm one of those high quality jomblo right now, but it wasn't always like these, there were days where I don't even like looking at myself in the mirror.

The journey frkm that to "I guess I'm okay" to "nyet gue ganteng uga" took years.

Even I dont think "nyet gue ganteng uga" full 24/7, there are still days where I think "meeeeh I look like I took a bath" and it's okay.

And I found out years later that "meeeeh I look like I took a bath but it's okay" is a healthy mindset to have, that I feel yes being dashing is additional value, but I have inherent value that isn't from me looking like Cha Eun Woo.

My existence itself is already positive net, me looking nice is addition to that, my intelligence, my niceness, my dirty mouth, my jokes, all add or remove value from my already +1 value.

What's funny is the weight of each value is fucking subjective as fuck and I don't have any control over it.

Some value scoring goals more than off the ball run, some value positional discipline, some value tricky dribble. 

So yeah, next step is trying my best, which I rarely do 

berharap tak berpisah

This is the lightest I have ever feel. 

It used to be that I appear not caring but care too much. 

While now is I care, but I care hopefully in he right amount. 

It used to be that I relinquish control on things I knew I never have control in the first place, but try to control everything I can control.

Now I relinquish even that, universe is a collection of random encounter, it's never in your control in the first place.

It used to be I try to be fun to mask the un-funness of my inner thoughts. 

Now everything is fun, even going to family mart to buy a cup of coffee is fun.

To define yourself is to remove the possibility of change, don't let anyone define you, not even yourself.

Also I like the fact I gave myself time after that one, sometimes being procrastinator with too many hobbies helps.

I let my head clears and my heart heals - ciaelah - and to analyse it, and in the end accept it. 

I let myself to just live with the bare minimum, which was better than nothing, and thanks to that now I know what I need to do. 

icy drinks

Everyday I have to remind myself to just keep doing things that I believe will benefit me in the future.

Keep being uncomfortable, be comfortable with the uncomfortable, to the point of enjoying it, keep doing it until it's natural, until your nerve system automates it. 

Now this is mostly about forming relationships, not just that kind of relationship, any human relationship. 

Sebagian besar relasi saya itu dipaksa kondisi, teman sekelas, teman sekelompok, teman sekantor. Relasi yang begini biasanya natural, ga ada timeline. Aturannya jadi berubah kalo ngomongin relasi yang itu.

Ada yang punya aturan kalo pdkt sebulan harus ada kejelasan, ada yang bilang udah ga perlu perjelas status, banyak aturan dan juga banyak non-aturan, aturan yang dipresentasikan seolah bukan aturan. 

Buat saya yang simpleton to the point of too simple - background hape saya hitam polos - yang begini itu terlalu ribet, terlalu tidak nyaman, jadi selama ini saya sok Sherlock, believing that I'm not made for this kind of relationship. 

But none of us are made for it, it's a mess, human are messy, the other side is as uncomfortable as me. Some are better prepared due to multiple factors, I am just not, at least relative to my age.

One reason is me thinking that I'm in survival mode - this was a fact - but training myself in regards of forming a relationship is still a necessity, it might even help. But I suck at multitasking.

It's the most and the least serious thing in life. 

I can't be anyone else other than myself, and my skill and I'm good at conversations, I'm a good listener, a thoughtful replier. I like kamen rider, but I also like Richard Linklater's films. I am insecure yet believe I can beat God if I want to.

All of these things are me. 

The only thing I can do is be myself to the point of abandon.

It's been less than a week bro, take the time, turn off the notifications. Live your life normally, adjust accordingly, enjoy the chaos. 

Relinquish the need to control, it's never in your control.

Be gentle, like holding a baby - thank god I know how it felt like - you have to have firm structure yet soft touch, strong so the baby does not fall, yet gentle so the baby does not hurt. 

The other side is betting the same thing - their feelings - treat it with the utmost respect. 

Put effort but also let things flow, like trapping that pass with you feet. 

before

Exactly 2 months sejak terakhir ngepost.

Few years ago I theorised that the older you get the harder it will be to get new friends. 

Fast forward today, I just get back from a trip with a set of friends that I acquired in just the past 6 years.

Technically what happened was these group of friends decided to add me to their group, and it was great, I am actually the youngest, probably the first time I'm the youngest at any group, took me a while.

Probably the best trip ever, zero expectations, no plan other that when to depart and when to go home, everything else is decided on the spot.

Got sloshed, helped sloshed friend the next day. 

Was great. 

your dog loves you

The thing about progress is that while you're in the middle of it, you can't really see it, you're too busy. 

After some time, you'll have enough time to rest, and look back, and realize how different everything are, you're different, your environment changes, your friends changed a bit. 

The thing about change and in turn progress, is that it's not permanent, because duh the only permanent thing in the world is the state of impermanence. 

So sometimes you regress a bit, because the past you and the current you are the same person, so more often than not, these multiple versions of you will fight, not the literal fight ala fight club, but you will change back and forth between old and new you. 

One thing I learnt recently is learn your triggers, it's mostly songs from certain event for me, but it can be anything. 

What's the point of this writing? It's mostly about reminding myself that I am capable of loving, might be not in what most people consider of loving, but hey I am not most people. 

It doesn't event have to be romantic love, it can be any act of service — holding a door for strangers, lending a hoodie, companionship — anything.

I read somewhere that modern society reduce the definition of love to be very narrow, when in fact there are multiple kind of love.

Why write this? It's mostly about me being grumpy because my plan for working from home this Monday failed. 

mega drive

One thing I realize quite early in my corporate-slaving life is that whatever the industry, you always need someone to point out the pointless-ness of it all.

Sure some industry are actually important, education, medicine, and law come to mind, basically a work where you're actually making a difference.

But it's fucking important to have someone who isn't swallowed by the propaganda.

Heck, I even love one question that basically asked "people click on ads?" you're on the right track. 

It's fucking pointless, these companies are spending millions of dollar just so other people know that they're somehow unique and different.

Is iPhone 13 is really that significantly better than 12? To the point Apple needs to release it every single fucking year.

Do you really need that 360 camera on your car? 

This post will contain my ramblings, mostly. 

The funniest shit happened last week, as I was getting ready to go to work, all good, I salim my mom and she aid "why aren't anyone in love with my son?" such a left field comment I just laugh. 

I don't know, the answer is I don't know, it is within the realm of possibility that a lot of people find me attractive, for whatever reason, but they find me - which I have one friend said this to me - intimidating. 

Apparently, always trying to look on purpose is intimidating. Blame Batman. 

Or people just find me infuriating to be with and won't bother at all, like at all. 

The real answer is who fucking knows, I can observe and point out the slightest change of atmosphere in a room, but Zeus help me, I will never be able to guess whether someone likes me or not. 

Heck I have friends of 15 years, and I still think that they are merely tolerating my fucking existence.

So ladies, if you find me attractive just hold my face and tell me you're attracted to me, or if you're more than 20cms shorter than me, ask me to sit first so we're level. 

Who am I kidding, even if someone do that to me, my sick sick sick weird self esteem will tell me that they're pranking me. 

Oh to grow up without warmth.

I am not saying my parents does not love me, I believe they do, but they way they're loving me does not help. They do things that parents do: sacrifice themselves for me, and my siblings. 

They're the typical boomer parents. 

Sure I grew up to be independent and self sustainable person, but maybe, just maybeeeee, a little bit of warmth would help, a little hug here and there, a little acceptance about who I am. 

To be perfectly fucking honest, I don't even know whether I am capable to be in a relationship, as in, those relationships that more often than not ends up in marriage. 

This is not even about the whole "I have to create room for other human beings" pragmatic shit, it's more "am I capable of loving?" 

WOW THAT GOT DARK FAST BOI

Please watch The Batman on HBOGO Asia on April 18th.

kemarau cinta

I might have sport kink.

What an opening sentence.

You know sometimes you have unnecessary and unexplainable thoughts, and most of the time also uncontrollable, one example is I always think of "what if I jump from here" whenever I'm looking down while I'm on the 5th or 6th floor of a shopping mall. 

This is another weird thought whenever I see a person who is too skinny, "if tackle her/him, they'll break an arm aren't they?" 

I won't tackle them, sure, but those people doesn't seem robust? And somehow unconsciously this also factors in when I find someone attractive. 

I know robust is not a normal prerequisite for a life partner, but somehow it is? Because I don't think I can handle non robust person. 

Why am I writing this? Because I have a new crush. 

She might not be the hottest girl in the smoking area, I don't event know her name, I don't even know where she works other than under the same parent company as mine, but she got the right balance between cute and sporty, also this is what I notice earlier today, she looks practical, also on purpose, at ease? At least that what my head said to me from observing from the past few weeks. 

Basically I'm a sucker for someone who looks like they care only just enough to be socially acceptable, basically my people. 

She looks like she's a robust person. 

She looks like the rest of my life. 

Brb muntah

darling

One of my biggest fear is that I will forget Bryan, that life would goes by and I'll forget him.

I'm happy to announce that I still love him. 

Everytime I see his photo, the memories rushes in, not as much as it was back then, but still enough to produce excess tears in my eyes.

I remember how his fur felt like, how big he was, how his stare was like, what he smells like. 

It's only been 3 months since that day, of course the previous 8 years and 8 months is much much stronger. 

He would've been 9 today, I miss him. 

brb beli BMW R-nine

So yesterday I got another story of "my spouse changed a lot since we got married, so was he/she faking it when we were dating?"

This kind of story just increased my willpower to say fuck these institutions, these Idea that one should get married, that marriage is the endgame, fuck endgame - Also, Avengers Endgame, fuck them - I'm going to live for now.

I already live for now tho, I have blond hair for fucks sake. 

I want the thing, it's nice, but I don't really need it, and I don't think I should get it, if it happens it happens I guess. 

It's rarely I talked about this shit isn't it? But I guess it's kinda okay to talk about it. 

I know and understand it takes a lot of effort to get into a relationship, and ever more so for maintaining it, one human is messy, imagine two humans?? So here's the thing with me, I don't like putting more effort than the absolute minimum, out of my 30 years, I only put effort in things for like 6 months, second semester of year 2 high school. 

I got into relationship once by accident, I had too much time, she did too, so we talked a lot, might as well got into into it. 

I don't have memory of putting maximum effort, not once. I remember putting more effort than minimum, mostly just so I don't have put more effort in longer term, and some of it just out of spite. 

People who says that relationship just works is either a liar or getting lied at, it is hard work, it is continuous work, I haven't find anyone who is worth the effort. 

Why write about this? Well, I'm 31 this year, I would be lying if I said this shit doesn't cross my mind, but I have values that are not exactly idaman mertua, like my indifference to tradition and religion. 

Sure its easy to tell people I don't really believe in God, most people my age would just let it go, some will try to debate but all give up when I asked for empirical evidence other than faith, but considering a lot of people still consider themselves a believer of certain religion even after consistently sinning more than me, it's a hard sell. 

Well, my KTA will finish in 2 months, I'll have extra money, probably buy a fancy 1440p monitor for working at home. 

bro bro bro

I haven't got any sleep, I'll probably sleep in 30 minutes or so.

I have wrote about songs being a time machine over and over again, but I think the fact I am one of those people that play certain songs on repeat like crazy, makes the time machine effect much stronger on me.

These songs are the songs that I played on repeat around December until around New year, with Every Summertime being the most played, like literally hundreds of time per day.

If the memories associated with songs are good, I will experience that bittersweet feeling that usually comes with realization about how long the time have passed.

If I listen to Hometown Cha Cha Cha's soundtrack, I'll remember my boy Bryan, and get sad, even when the song is fun, I consciously decided not to play any song in the week following his passing, I know I can't never listen to those songs anymore. 

On and about Every Summertime, it's mostly positive memories, got back into the office, I enjoyed my time at the office, I met a lot of new people, finally met people that I already talked a lot via email, it's mostly nice. 

But there is always that ninja, like I can't really enjoy it as much anymore, the song. I might be able to in the future, when time have filled my life with more stuff. 

But one thing I learn is just keep listen to that song, sooner or later new memories will be associated with it anyway. 

Oh and I have Ps5 now 

Bingung judul ape

 Most of my Collections are reasonably new, because well I only got my own money since 2016, and I got more disposable income just 2 years ago, so it makes sense most of them are from the last 2-to 3 years.

But there are few that's been with me since the mid-2000s, I'm serious, I have toys from 2005. Sure at a certain period, they spent time in their box, because somehow I don't have a place for them, but now they're in my room, like a witness of my growth.

But one particular thing, I bought it like 2-3 months after release, so I bought it new-new, first release, not a re-release, that thing is MG Strike Noir from Gundam Seed: Stargazer.

Here's a picture from mbah google

The coolest thing is, being a model kit, I upgraded this guy like 6 months ago, and even from this upgrade process, I can see how much my building skills grow, it's kinda bittersweet.

Thanks to multiple earthquakes throughout the year some of my Gunpla broke, so I threw them away, somehow this dude stays.

The other toy is Abaren-Oh

The condition is not that good, there are some broken parts, but it stands, so it's nice.

I bought both of them I think in my first year of highschool, or last year of junior highschool, so 05-06, a person born in 2000 started working this year, in 4-5 years I will meet coworker as old as these toys.

Shit I'm old.

Milky Way

Heyo bitches wazap.

So earlier today I read this excerpt from Susan Sontag, she said below;

“It’s not ‘natural’ to speak well, eloquently, in an interesting articulate way. People living in groups, families, communes say little—have few verbal means. Eloquence—thinking in words—is a byproduct of solitude, deracination, a heightened painful individuality.”

Now, this revert back to the functional skill that I have, this set of skill that according to my friend, family, and coworker is good to have, great to have even, and I kinda take pride in that, but like any villain origin story, or sad protagonist, when I try to trace back how I learned these set of skills, all of them are fucking defense mechanism.

As to not to make this post full of self-celebration, or even worse, self-masturbatory, heck even the word self-masturbatory is weird, you masturbate alone, I'll list a few that have been confirmed by my sister, you know, a person who grew up in the same weird family like I did.

I'm good at explaining and understanding things, well, it's nice to have right? You have very little miscommunication at work, in personal and professional life, right? Do you want this skill? Try growing up with parents that will take the worst response possible to your statement. You can say, "I don't think I like Apple" and the response would be "So you hate your parents", how did they go from statement A to B? I don't know, so I have to learn how to state "I don't think I like Apple" without any loophole for the worst response possible, my fucking brain is thinking like 20 possible bad faith responses before stating a supposedly neutral statement.

The other side is that I learned to understand the implicit meaning, because when my parent said, "We should buy this", I have to understand all the multiple routes where my response could be taken as an attack, what a fucking joke.

The result, my explanation email is emotionless and fucking clear, if the other person still can't understand it they probably graduated high school with the worst score in reading comprehension.

Skill number two is I'm good at reading people's emotions or reading the room, it's good, I can deescalate tension - or escalate if I'm in the mood - in any forum, also most people are so fucking easy to read. Oh, you want this skill? Try growing up with parents that at 11AM is fine, and at 11.15AM would have a screaming match with each other.

I am also a fucking good liar, you know when people said the lie will reveal itself because people can't track their lies? because to cover that one lie, you have to create another lie, and you wouldn't be able to track those lies? That's amateur, the secret of a good lie is 80% truth and change the remaining 20%, and make sure that 20% is those that can't be confirmed.

You're meeting someone at a certain place that you don't want other people to know? Tell them the place and time is real, they can confirm that, change the small details.

Now the last, and the worst, people who are eloquent is fucking lonely, and yeah that's right, the only reason I'm good at this writing thingy is that I spent a buttload of my free time alone in my room, reading all these sappy and sad articles, sometimes if I'm in the mood, those books with too many words for my liking.

I don't even know there are things called passive sentences, I just know if I put the words in a certain order it could be taken a certain way, change the order, people will read it differently.

So am I proud of these skills? Yeah, fuck yes, I get paid unreasonably because of these skills, at least the coping mechanism I developed to survive at least have monetary value, it's not like I coped with shitty upbringing by drinking myself to sleep at 17, or went into a weird relationship, I coped by fucking writing on a blog and reading articles about shitty upbringing, so at least there's something about how coped that brought me here.

Do I want a good upbringing? loving and caring parents and I'd grow up as a mentally healthy adult, yeah sure. 

But if I have to choose that, or these skills which makes me able to work like 3 hours a day and getting paid these much? Nah, I'd do it again. 

There are already a lot of normal people, normal as in person that doesn't have these fucking skills, I need my unique selling point.

watane

I read this manga and one dialogue catches my eye, the scene is the main character is better now, and the antagonist said that "you got stronger.", in which the protagonist answered, "I learnt to be weak".

Few chapters before the protagonist unlocks this newfound belief, another character concluded that "weak is seed of strong, strong is fruit of weak" 

I'm paraphrasing, the sentence was said by a character that barely able to speak the language. 

There's something about these exchanges that just works, I guess. 

By only knowing your weakness, that you can be strong, I guess.

The thing about arrogance is that it blindside you, accepting that you have weakness is not weak, it just means that you're aware of your surroundings. 

It all comes back to that Ra's Al Ghul exchange in Batman Begins isn't it? I think it's just nice seeing another version of it and it feels like I learn something new-ish.

I can be better, I can always be better than now. 

The world's not ready. 

pake acara kopid

When brian passed away, I have this urge just to love people to the point I'm too active on dating apps, I got 2 dates with this one girl, I got batman-ed aka gone when I'm not looking, then I decided to enjoy my 74kg body and blond hair and enjoying all the attention I got with it.

But a friend and one and only reader of this blog raised an interesting question, can I really date a person if I often find a person boring after a few interactions? The answer is I don't know.

But one thing I know is that I'm good at making the other person comfortable, growing up in a shitty unstable household means I can read people too well, so there's that.

There are instances where people are suddenly comfortable entering my personal space long before I'm comfortable with them, I always thought it was weird but I think it means that people find me comfortable.

So maybe I should just do that, if suddenly I feel that sense of "oh god no not again" aka "fuck no I'm crushing on this person goodbye 100% self-control hello playlists full of lovesongs", instead of erecting a fucking great wall of China, I should just ask her out.

Wait, I should find out first whether she's single, or whether she's a former student of a friend of mine, it's a matter of life and death.

If those two are clear, then well, ask her out, I guess.

meh, I'll panic when the time comes, for now, it's just an idea and an idea, my friend, is bulletproof, should I watch V for Vendetta?

drive safe

I'm now exactly at my pre pandemic weight, 75,5kg. That's 2 years ago, around this time last year I was 80 something kg, I was 83-4 at my heaviest.

Never in those days where I was in 80s, I panicked, never, because I know the way, I've been there before, so it's just a matter of actually doing it.

I started the losing weight program in Nov 2021, I think I was 81kg, 3 months later I'm 75,5kg. 

Here's the thing, never in my mind this feels like a hard thing to do, especially after I learn about how human body functions, we're not adapted to this much surplus of food, so our body actually pretty effective machine. If what you eat is good, you won't feel hungry that much. My receipt of losijg weight? Just don't eat 

The thing is, when I told other people how I lose my weight, most response I got is "anjir willpower lo gede juga" 

Nyet, not eating does not need willpower, you just have to be lazy enough to not eat, be so fucking lazy eating is a chore. 

One thing I notice, habit played a big part, like rice, there are people who just have to have rice, but rice is just another food. 

Most people are unwilling to take a step back and evaluate their lifestyle to the barebones. Why are you doing certain things certain way? 

Another 3 kilos, I might take a week break and go into maintenance mode. 

Also, going from losing weight, that's the thing about progress, other people only see the result. 

The reason I'm single for 13 years is mostly emotional unavailability and not knowing what healthy relationship looks like, but because I look mostly okay right now, people think I'm a commitment phobic asshole, aka playboy. 

Like how I change my eating habit - which is fucking easy, just don't have cash at hand, and too lazy to go to the atm - I change how I think, this is hard, it's too easy to fall into the old trap, like maybe I don't deserve love, fuck that, I'm the most lovable bitter asshole you can find. 

Imposter syndrome for example, sometimes I experience this, do I deserve any of this? Fuck that, if the entire industry decided I'm a fucking god then so be it. If one fucking day someone asks me "nic, you're not as smart as I thought you were", you're damn fucking right I don't even know how I arrived here, I slept all fucking day, either you're too smart or the entire industry is fucking stupid, eitherway I got my Honda Civic RS *finger's crossed 

Yes motivation can come from positive place, but at least for me, what works is the fact that we're all fucking stupid, sometimes I search for my phone when I'm holding it. Yes I might be your go to guy for some things - well, a lot of things - but ask me about romance and I'll laugh and ask you to search for a teacher together. 

When you treat life as it needs to be treated - I admit this needs a lot of fucking nuance, and some people just suck at it - you'll find that most things don't matter. 

I wear same set of clothes for a week in the office and the only comment I get is that I am a manga character. People might notice but they most of the time won't comment. If they comment, fuck them. 

Ga mau pulang jadi di mall sendirian

I started to write this post in 19.40, di Starbucks Lippo Mall Kemang.

I ordered a smoked beef panini and the standard iced americano on the rock, with one shot of liquid whipped cream.

The female cashier's eyes are so beautiful I am already dreaming of our life together.

Now I'm listening to Lee Hi's 4 ONLY album, my current muse.

So, why do I need to write right here right now in a fucking mall? Honest answer? I don't know.

Daily covid cases are increasing, I think yesterday's increase was 7000-ish cases, the shitty thing is they only broadcast the cases, but not ICU conditions, how many hospitalizations? How many are dead? Typical Indonesian, always presenting data devoid of context.

Oh, a few hours ago I saw an older lady scratching her crotch while walking, what a traumatic experience, I wasn't ready.

Well, you'll never be ready for that kind of thing.

This year, people that were born in 2000 that finish their university in 3,5 years will enter the workforce, I'm not ready to be called pak, mas sure, I prefer kak, but pak? holy fucking shit.

Oh, there is a couple flirting next to me, the dude is wearing shorts and sandals, while the dudette is wearing a standard mall outfit, talk about love being blind huh?

But her eyes tho, so beautiful

 

Kebab XL no pedas no lettuce pake Keju Slice

Few weeks ago, I got ninja-ed, it felt like shit, to the point that when I see people posting happy shit I felt angry.

I wasn't at the right state of mind. 

Fast forward 3 weeks later, I am fine, too fine to the point I need to get my ego checked.

So here I am, pooping after consuming dulcolax and coffee, talk about shitty combo, figuratively and literally, while scrolling the cesspool that is Instagram, and people are posting their happy shit. 

I know one of them is having financial difficulties, I know one of them is facing too much pressure from work, I know few of them are not exactly happy and dandy. 

So I am thinking while I'm pooping and listening to Lee Hi, am I less happy than them? Am I less content about my life compared to them? And the answer is not really. 

Sure I have things I want to improve, mostly my flappy stomach, but even that already on progress, I lost 6-7kg since November.

Career wise I am pretty good, people perceived me positively, be it personally or professionally, to the point that I'm the first name people suggest whenever there's someone looking for boyfriend.

Things that I have control about, they are all good. 

Things that I don't have control, well, I can't do anything anyway so why worry.

I feel so at ease with myself that I was able to spend 3 hours doing nothing while sitting in starbucks.

My hair looks like Rosiana silalahi tho, but that's also workable.

I like where I am right now, I like my friends, I like my coworkers, I like my car and my motorbike. 

Now I realize why I spent the last 13 years single, I have pretty good support system, I never really felt lacking of anything. I have different friend for different things. 

Lightly nic, treat life like you treat that throttle and clutch.

P.s don't combine coffee, milk, and dulcolax, this feels awful

Indomie Goreng Pedas

There's something about aimlessly driving/riding at night, well, there's something about doing things aimlessly, doing something for the sake of doing it. 

It feels like an act of self love and self care, it's like saying "I like doing this for myself, I don't care that I don't get anything in return". 

Technically we do get something in return, life always give something back sooner or later, whether you realize it or not.

It's basically the first law of thermodynamics, that energy can neither be created nor destroyed, only altered in form, see how poetic that shit is? You know I'm in my prime when I'm finding physics poetic.

Romantic Saturday

This is nice.

This is a particularly nice Saturday.

There aren't any scheduled events, so I slept for most of it.

And when I am awake, I spent it on productive things, I clean my room, I bought some groceries, and make my own black pepper sauce chicken wings, instead of buying it from Wingstop, I read some nice articles about Evangelion, now I am reading an essay about how someone could go deep into conspiracy theory.

I am reading those articles while also listening to some songs, sometimes I stopped reading so I can enjoy the song a little bit more. Sometimes it's the guitar riffs, sometimes it's the beat, sometimes it's the lyrics, sometimes it's how the singer sings the lyrics, basically, I'm giving the song my undivided attention.

Oh and I ordered ChaTime Dalgonana, it was nice.

This Saturday feels like a rest well earned, or it should be well-earned rest? grammatically? who cares.

The weekend of 20-21 November 2021 was the worst, for obvious reason, and would be the worst for foreseeable future, even the weekend of Christmas where I encountered a Ninja, wasn't that bad, by Monday I was okay, by that Tuesday I was already singing songs while riding my motorbike.

That Christmas weekend felt so important back then, by this Friday I have 3 different crushes.

I have bright blond hair and I like it.

This is nice, it's nice when nothing happens.

Things will happen, but it's nice when I'm feeling this serene.

Serene, probably my second favorite word, only behind "anjing" or any other interpretation of it.

Happy first weekend of 2022

lightly

I read on Pinterest that we should treat a lot of things lightly until it means something.

That most of things in life is just passing through, but I am not that kind of person, well I wasn't, I am now. 

But to arrive here I need to understand its essence, about treating things lightly. 

Treating it lightly does not mean not taking it seriously, but you should not give it deeper meaning, you should not try to give meaning when there aren't any. 

Like someone cutting you in traffic, it meant nothing, they are not an asshole, they might be a bad driver, or they have to catch the birth of their child, who knows, who cares, it doesn't affect you 5 minutes from now, it meant practically nothing. 

Treating life lightly is a lot like riding a motorcycle, or driving a car. Treat the throttle lightly, you're not going to push the throttle suddenly right? When there's a room sure, when there's nothing then you follow the traffic. 

You're still taking the act of driving/riding seriously, if not you'll crash, but you'll do it lightly, with finesse.

So yeah, treat it lightly son. 

2021 recap, kind of

2021 started with one clear idea, Brian would go home at certain point of 2021, and on 22nd of November 2021, around 12PM, he went home to doggo heaven.

So here's the thing, a lot happened in 2021, I got covid, I bought a car, I did that thing where I become interim of something at work for 9 months, got vaccinated, bought another motorcycle, etc etc, but its significance pales compared to Brian's passing. 

That one fateful day did more to me than my previous 3 years of consistent effort to be better, his passing shifts my perspective to the place I never knew I'd be.

A lot more happened in the last 5 weeks of 2021 to my personal growth compared to previous 47 weeks, if we're comparing this to college, the past 5 weeks was like 70% of total score. 

It could be recency bias, but at least for now it feels like that. 

Suddenly the grief, the wailing, the crying, was worth it. That 8 years and 8 months that he was with us was worth it then and worth it now even without him. 

I can't count how many times his existence saved me, one reason I got a job was to feed him better, so he doesn't have to eat corned beef and rice, so we can pay groomer to groom him, now that I realise it, it's always been clear, one of my life motivation, why I didn't just decide to stop everything, and fucking kill myself, was because I love Brian. 

I never really entertain the idea of suicide so don't worry but I need the drama for effect. 

One of the new idea incepted in my head is relationship - not talking romantic ones, but just human relationships I have with my butt load of friends - is not a burden, it's actually a source of motivation, the hope that I would spend time with my people keeps me alive, it makes my job worth it.

I've gone out more in 5 weeks compared to the last 5 weeks pre pandemic.

It's nice being remembered, it's nice when friends are thinking to include you to their already close group of friends. 

I used to think that I need to have my own people, but I can't own people, they will have their own people who they know looooong before they know me, and being invited to that group, is a fucking privilege. 

So that's how it is, that's my 2021

Oh, and I turned 30, and a lot of people couldn't believe it, I got asked why I looked 27. 

it's January 1st 2022 and I'm yearning for June

I am a sucker at people enjoying being themselves to the point of abandon.

There are a lot of pressure just by virtue of being alive, the pressure to act certain way, to dress certain way, to have achieved certain things by certain age, and then there are the personal, private pressure that only each individual know.

The pressure to earn because we're all part of the sandwich, the pressure to just survive because God knows what are these people are feeling in their lonely 3AM, and yes I include those who are not technically alone - thos with significant other, married couples - because having someone does not guarantee that you're not lonely. 

So there's something special about someone who sings their heart out even when they can't really sing, about someone that dance the night away even when their steps are out rhythm, and the best is those who laughs to the point of not being able to function. 

There is something about someone who embrace their own personality and you can see it from the way they dress and think, when you see them even from a miles away you can say, "yup, that's them" 

Every time I see my friends do that I fall in love a little bit more with them, and this love thing is not gender specific, like I love them whenever they do something fun just for the fun of it.

Jurgen Klopp says something about his dream, that he wants to make sure his Liverpool team have their own characters that when they play in pink with masks to hide their faces, you will know it's Liverpool just by their way of playing. 

So that's my new year resolutions for 2022, to live my life, doing things I love, to be genuinely me recklessly. 

Yeah only two resolutions, I'm ambitious like that. 

Happy New Year 2022 guys.