Lantai 37 dan Kamu

I think few weeks ago I wrote on my twitter that the going back to commuting to work sucks.

I was wrong, it would only suck if your choice of transport sucks. 

Sure buying a automatic scooter is the financially responsible choice, but it would suck the life of my commute, it would make my already mundane commute even more mundane.

I chose to commute on a real motorcycle, with clutch and all, because then my commute would be fun, it would be cathartic, and I'd enjoy the process of commuting to work.

Most of our life sucks, our bosses are usually meh, our bosses boss even more meh, so whenever it's possible to choose something that can enrich your life, choose that. 

Choose the right songs, choose the right clothes, choose the right people, choose the right job, it's not easy, it's an active process, it'd take a fucking long time, it took me 5 years to be here, where I am content with my life, and even then I still have things I want to improve, but that's okay, that's life. 

But because I actively choosing the things that I want, with as little compromise as possible, I am here right now, where I actually enjoy waking up and go to work? Meeting all those people? I like it.

Being out there exposing myself to random strangers? Love it. 

You'll never know, you wake up one morning thinking "yeah it's another Tuesday", 6 hours later you're introduced to new people who watched our beloved summer last night and found that they like that scene you like. 

I took 3 minutes to reread this post and it feels weird, I'm still sound like an arrogant ass but more like fluffy arrogant ass.

The world is not ready I tell you 

surat untuk si terbaik

Selamat dini hari Brian,

Ga berasa udah mau 4 hari sejak kamu pulang ke surga doggo, apa kabar? Semoga kamu udah sehat lagi ya disana, kamu udah bisa lari lari lagi, sambil muter2 kepala kayak kipas helicopter. 

Semoga bulu kamu tumbuh lagi, putih, megah, gagah. 

Semoga kamu udah bisa senyum lagi. 

Kita kangen banget Brian, masa mama manggil bonek Brian, handuk Brian masi ada di kamar sultan, makanan Brian masih banyak, kita sumbangin ya? 

Ka nico kangen bangeeeeeeet sm Brian, kangen senyum nya, kangen gonggongnya, kangen semuanya. 

Brian happy ya di sana. 

Ka nico masih suka ke inget Brian, masih suka ga sadar nyariin Brian. 

Ini foto Brian favorit ka nico, Brian nyenyak banget tidur siang di garasi.

Ka nico masi suka nangis klo inget Brian, tapi udah ga kayak waktu Brian baru pergi, waktu itu ka nico sedih banget, Sekarang ka nico udah bisa kerja lagi, udah bisa nonton youtube lagi, ka nico juga udah makan, jadi Brian tenang di sana, kita baik2 aja. 

Di masa depan, mungkin kita ga akan sesering ini inget Brian, mungkin kita akan ada keluarga baru lagi, tapi bukan berarti sayang kita ke Brian, kangen kita ke Brian itu hilang, Brian tetep spesial buat kita, buat ka Nico. 

Ka Nico minta maaf ya Brian, kadang ka nico milih tidur dibanding main sama Brian waktu Brian masih sehat, tapi kamar ka nico selalu terbuka kan buat Brian kalo mau tidur, meskipun Brian ngorok. 

Kalo ka nico kangen, Brian main ya lewat mimpi.

Dulu ka nico punya mimpi untuk nikah dan punya anak, biar anak ka nico main sama Brian, tapi Brian udah pulang duluan. Tapi gapapa, nanti kalo ka nico punya anak, pasti ka nico ceritain soal Brian, anjing keren, baik, penjaga keluarga ka nico selama 8 tahun 8 bulan.

Nanti klo ka nico udah tua, kita coba nego sama tuhan ya biar kita bisa ketemu lagi.

Makasih Brian, sehat sehat di sana, katanya banyak temen ya, Titip salam buat Bobby ya, dari mba Rere. 

Love you, 

Nici

draft on my blog I never post 2

I need to find a time machine to go back in time.

No it's not to tell my past self about what stock to buy and sell before pandemic hits, I just want to hug my younger self. 

He needs it the most, he needs it more than my current self. 

I still cry when I read the drafts from my younger self, why are you so broken and sad and angry, and why aren't you asking for help? Well technically I know all the answer, he is me.

I know why you're that way, and I know you will need to heal at your own pace, and my current self is a proof that you can heal, it takes time but it can be done. 

So I just want to hug him, and talk to him like a brother, and tell him it'll be fine. 

Oh fucking god you fucking poor soul

draft I wrote few years ago part 1

 So, here's the thing

I have an idea about ideal relationship, but in the end it's just an idea.

If few years ago, whenever I went into romantic mood and imagining having a girlfriend, it would be about the dates, the adventures, the jokes, and all things sweet and good.

It was a good escape from my then nihilistic world view.

Now that I'm a chaotic neutral - yeah, I believe the world are millions of random occurrence happening in the same time, and sometimes few random occurrences collide with each other - whenever I'm imagining a relationship, other than all things sweet and good, I started imagining the fights, the bickering, and the worst, the heartbreak.

See, I'm still an inherently pessimistic person, love always ends up in heartbreak, but there could be multiple cause of it, from a flat out rejection, to death, and in this case, death is the best case scenario.

Love is the only condition where death is the best case scenario. 

You will end up as someone you needed the most when you were at your worst.

I read that somewhere, it might be Instagram, Pinterest, tumblr, twitter, I forgot.

But I can kinda agree with this. 

What I am now is what I needed to be there for me when I was at my lowest, a friend who says it's okay to feel like the world is crushing you, it's valid.

A friend who is just present. 

But it wasn't my friend's fault that I felt alone, I did not tell my friends about my problem, about what I feel, so it was my fault. 

But I needed at that time, a friend who would tell me its okay to vent, and they would listen. 

When I read that, that quote on the first paragraph, how I currently operates makes sense. 

I'm a lot like Thiago Alcantara, I'll be the options, I'm here, you can pass me the ball and I'll caress it, I'll take care of it, you can trust me. 

Sometimes I'll ping a long pass tho hahaha. 

So now I tell people that they can talk to me, and I will just listen. 

Abdel and Temon but with Angels and Demons font

It's Spotify wrapped time, being the basic bitch that I am, I follow the trend.

I did not expect my most played song, but now I know about it, I can kinda remember when I got quarantined due to covid, I listened to this song for 10 days on repeat. 

So there's that. 

The top 20 is predictable, the last 20 is weird, it's a collection of songs that at one point in 2020 was important and I played it on repeat but after constant repeat it lost the charm and went back to the back of my liked songs.

What sucks is of course some of the songs remind me of my good boi, but a lot of things from the past 8 years will remind me of him, oh god I love him. 

There are few things that are on my mind. 

One is that in the face of certain death, a heartbreak now looks like a price worth paying for some semblance of intimacy. 

I wouldn't survive last week without my friends, family and coworkers, I love them so much. 

At first I thought that I am being reasonable, with putting some distance, on the pretense that other people have their own lives, but seeing how much they care about me, a simple "are you really okay nico?"

And the fact that I feel save saying, "I'm okay ish, I'm still kinda sad", and I feel save telling them how much I cried on those two days, oh god I love them so much. 

I realise I'm becoming more open, like a new and better nico came out of that fucking traumatic event. Surviving loss is already an achievement, let alone got out on the other side better person, that's a win. 

Who ever the lucky person managed to be my wife should thank Brian, his existence saved me, his passing makes me better. 

My perspective was skewed due to me being afraid of failing, thinking deep down I won't survive being heartbroken. 

But somehow after all of this, it felt like my heart is full of these fluffy feeling that I want to share with other people, which for now means my friend, dan kucing komplek.

The other is how your perception is time is rarely right, well, your perception is rarely right, there are songs that I swear I did not listen one bit in 2021, but it turns out I did. 

And tomorrow - technically, this afternoon - I'd do something I never do in my life; create a harmless lie to meet someone that I kinda fancy.