Hi sunshine

There is something about grief that I was not expecting.

I expected the crying, I expected the residual sadness, I expected that at certain point I will think that in the bigger picture, what I do to earn money is mostly bullshit. 

I expected that after few days, I might be able to function again, not fully but at least at an acceptable level, that I can eat, I can work, I can take care of myself, that I won't be wallowing myself in sadness.

The thing that I wasn't expecting is the guilt, I feel guilty because I am able to function, that I still do my job, that I continue to eat well, that I am not as sad anymore.

I still miss him, my eyes still wanders to his favourite spots, but I am not sad sad. 

I still feel a bite of sadness, my chest got heavier a bit, but not as suffocating, not as heavy. 

I feel guilty of moving on until I read somewhere that what happens to me is not moving on, the grief is still there, it'll stay, I might find something triggering and will breakdown, but it's just a bittersweet facts of life that life goes on.

Just like there are life before Brian, he arrived and fills our day, then there will be life after, and that will fill our days. 

Just like a memory on a computer, we keep what's important and delete the rest, Brian is important, but there will be a lot of important things to fill my memory, it won't replace him, but might be put him a bit behind the folder. 

But I can access it, forever. 

Then when I access it, I will remember it, and celebrate it. 

I think in the foreseeable future, there will be a lot of post about grief, about how grief is a consequence of loving, this is my way to grief. 

It's 5am in the morning I still awake, I have work at 10, probably can push it to 11

the goodest boi

It's finally here, the post I don't want to write.

Yesterday we let Brian go to doggo heaven, he was 8 years and 8 months old.

I'm still full of grief that I can understand, but I can't help but feel it, I need to feel it as much as I can.

He was the bestest boi, but as all living things, he got old, he got sick. When he first got sick we cried, when we took him for a walk and in 5 minutes his hind legs gave up, we call our parents to bring a car to take him home, we clean his legs, and we cried, that was our first realization, that at a very near future, we have to let him go to doggo heaven.

At that time we decided that when things gets too hard for Brian and for us, we have to let go. 

And the last 2 weeks was it, suddenly he slept a lot, like he did not have any energy left, but he still went to patrol - we call it paw patrol at first, then we call it tippy tappy because of his steps - at first the patrol was the whole house, both floors, then only the second floor, then only my brother's room where he slept and my room where he sometimes play. 

All signs are there, but Im not ready, so I decided to let me have few weeks preparing.

Then it arrived, I went to my cousin's house so she can be with Brian, then the doctor came.

I have to pick him up for the last time. 

We put him to sleep, and you know what, I thought I was ready, but when he no longer breathes, I cried like never before. 

But I compose myself, we have few things to take care still. 

Few hours later, everything is done, the feelings just got out, I cried and I cried, and I scream his name. Every once in a while the feelings soften up, and we talk and reminisce about his life and what he bring to our life, a companionship, a friend, a family. 

When we grief, everything comes at you, the memories, happy and sad, the regrets, all the what ifs. But thankfully we live in an era where we have youtube.

Watching all these people telling stories about how they grief, and everything that I feel is normal, that you won't move on, you'll just learn to live with it. 

And it is entirely normal that you will suddenly miss it, even years after it.

Grief is an unexpressed love, and the fact that this is how much Brian's passing affect me, means this is how much I love him.

I love you lots big boi, more than you can imagine, more than I think I know. 

umpalumpa

I am lot less angry now compared to myself from 2019.

If anything, 2019 is peak stress for me. 

That specific client just sucked a lot of life from me, and I felt at that time the company wouldn't be going anywhere, in fact, staying as they were at 2019 is already a good job.

But the stress was too much, the pay was too little, and I decided to leave. 

It was a risk, the next company wasn't in a better position, but I just had to be selfish, I needed a fresh air, I needed another perspective. 

And yeah the next company was not better, in fact it was in a lot worse condition in terms of performance, but the people in management was much better. 

I learnt there and then that if you are a good person and working with good people, things might turn to shit, that's just how it is, but you're left with a lot less anger. 

While my at my first work, the central management from regional always felt like they deliberately being an asshole, my second one felt like they just handled a bad card, and by the time I arrived there, it's already in a shitty place. 

Fast forward to 2020 April, my second workplace closed for good, the first one is still there, and getting more toxic than ever. 

It's a lot like breaking up with a good person who just happened to be the wrong one vs. Staying in a relationship with an abusive arsehole. 

Yes there was unstable phase in a lot of my co-worker's life when the company came to a close, but little by little they found the next job, all is well. 

I came to realization like two hours ago that my experience with my previous employer shapes how I manage my team, my relationship with other team, and my relationships with my work. 

Working in a big company helps as usually the HR division will be strong, the rules are set in stone. Unlike small company where the power usually centered around few, big company are usually more balanced, there won't be any rule change just because one guy in the high management read some random listicles about how to increase performance. 

Like even my direct supervisor is not all powerful, they still have to answer to 3-4 bosses above them, they still have to collaborate with other colleagues of the same level. 

Yes I have to report to them, yes they can and will provide advice/direction to me and my team, but most of the time we are left to our own to decide the best step for each of our issue. 

That is why I am not too bothered, irritated? Sure, but when I see the bigger picture, meh, I'm in a better position in terms of job security compared to my previous 4 years of working. 

I also learnt about the power of collectives, literally just socialised a lot, just have a shred of empathy, be interested in the person, be genuinely genuine person, and suddenly you're backing each other's ass, suddenly the bosses are a lot less powerful. 

Ther are fewer bosses than staffs. 

What's the point of this post? I don't know, a lot happened last week, professionally, it's another new experience. 

Idup gini amat

Udah tidur caem, kebelet pipis, trus ga bisa tidur, 5 jam lagi harus motoran ke kantor

Rupi kaur

2018 part 2

I think somewhere in this blog I have written about how much I missed 2018.

I miss the atmosphere, the people, it's just how these weird set of people happened to be working at the same office. 

It's not easy meeting people that have the same appreciation of weird nonsense comedy. I haven't met better set of people since, I still talk to them. I mean I have cried silly while drunk in front of them so it's safe to say that they know who I really am. 

They're the first set of people that I feel comfortable coming out about my view about religion, so that's pretty high standard. 

I think I also wrote about how I miss the commute, waking up in the morning, donning my "uniform", and rode through Jakarta's hellish traffic.

Also I think it was Asian Games mood, that 5 Lane Sudirman was finally finished, I hit 140kph with that tiny red CBR. 

3 years and a pandemic later, I have to ride a motorbike daily, again. 

There are lots of changes, for one I'm near 30, the CBR is no more, I have XSR155 now. But most of it still the same, the route is 75% the same, the bomber jacket is still there, new helmet but same brand, so I can't help to reminisce about that time. 

Oh we have mrt now, it was on progress back in 2018.

But I still find it jarring that a lot can changes and there are still a lot that stays the same.

This Thursday, will be my first day riding a motorbike to work, the first since March 2020.

Also this time I have this urge to know more about that cute HR.