This might be the most pathetic post I will ever write in a while, and by pathetic I really mean I'm cringing while writing this.
As you all fucking bitches know, we're all in the pandemic, thankfully the end is in sight, it might be a bit far for us unlucky Indonesians, at least most of us who can't afford weekly PCR tests, but it is there, it is close.
As you all fucking bitches know, those who are quite lucky, have worked from home basically for 18 months, I joined my current workplace exactly a week before company-wide work from home directives, I barely know how my coworker actually looks like, let alone people from other divisions.
A bit of personal background - like there are thousands of people who read this, there's only probably one reader, you probably read this in the middle of boredom ya Lun - even in normal time, I rarely go out on weekends, my social interactions are mostly with coworkers, and old friends, and now we're in a pandemic, staying at home, imagine how hard I have to adapt? Here's a hint; not one bit.
But since 2017, I have had what I called the "annual crushing on someone event", like the title, it's basically me being stupid and taking a liking on someone with no basis whatsoever other than one small moment of nice/cute interactions in the middle of my drab corporate day to day job.
It's mostly simple and innocent, there is one that started just because she gave me multiple nicknames she uses on emails, it's basically that Sweet and Sour movie on Netflix, we had to work late a lot, we naturally develop a nice working relationship which basically went from once-a-month communication at best to she's at the top of my WhatsApp and Skype and skype because we had to work together a lot.
See? Naturally, I developed some feelings towards her, it wasn't much, the feeling was gone by the 8th week, but a bit of fun fact, before her, the last time I took a liking on someone was like 6 years ago, so that "wasn't much" feeling felt so overwhelming I had to go to hypermart just to take a walk. But this crush affected me so much I reevaluated my way of thinking, thanks to her I became a little bit open to things, a little bit understanding that it's okay to feel things. I really like her btw, as a person, really hope I can meet her again. I'm logging in to my skype just to check whether I still have the chat history for fucks sake
Then there's the one with the same hobby, this taught me that having the same interest meant jackshit, then there's multiple "cmon she's cute try approach her", one mutual friend, one coworker, both were not working, the coworker one, at the time I thought it did not work because she's kinda shallow, the mutual friend one, because I bleached my hair, but after few times thinking about it - yeah, I spent my lonely nights thinking about why certain things in my life turned out a certain way - I think it's mostly I don't have mental space for extra person, dating someone, even just as some kind of summer fling - like we have summer here - kinda changes your life, you get one extra factor that can affect your mood, I'm not a particularly moody person - because my mood is mostly "I don't want to work but I have to earn some money" - but I think having another person's existence in my life, one that would expect to be at least high up in the priorities, would change my life a bit, and at that time, I don't have the space to do it, mentally, and financially.
So both just puff went away like a fart on the beach.
oh and another one because she asked me whether I saw the moon last night, what kind of Michel Gondry shit was that? Of course, I would think about her.
But I can kinda justify why I took a fancy on them, there are either nonchalant personal moments or just straight-up set up by a friend.
I think 2020 I had like 2 weeks crush on someone, like 2 weeks before I quit that job, so I just thought, "fuck it let's have Siomay date downstairs" and "oh you're holding my hand? I'll hold them back", she was in a relationship at that time, it was zero risk even if I caught some feelings, I'd be gone by 3rd week, but she's the most conventionally beautiful one tho.
After that Siomay, I moved to my current workplace, it's a big conglomerate, has like 400 employees here, then pandemic hits, 100% work from home bar few divisions where it's necessary to be at the office, but they basically working on an empty office.
18 months, nothing happens, but a few chats later I have a small crush on someone I have seen physically probably 3 times in 18 months, all in passing, zero interaction before December 2020, all interactions have been cordial and professional. one "HAHAHAHA" later and I have a crush on her.
What's next? nothing, we're still in the middle of a fucking pandemic for fuck's sake. And this is the most pathetic cause for a crush, I don't even know her personally, it doesn't even make sense. Took an interest? Sure, she's pretty attractive, but crush? what a fucking lonely loser.
But I want to talk about The "HAHAHAHA" moment.
In a world where most of our interactions are chats, we use "hahaha" as a way to soften up the conversation, but we type hahaha without actually laughing, most of the time. It's quite easy to type as well, just repeatedly type an H and an A, so "hahaha" has lost its meaning, in Indonesia chatting world, it's just a tool to soften the tone.
"HAHAHAHA" is a different beast tho, someone actually took a little bit of effort of either turning on their caps lock on their laptops, or double-tap shift button on their smartphone, either way, it's one extra step.
so yeah, to be honest, I'm enjoying this, I have to go to the office in 2 weeks I think, it's tentative, but I may meet her. By that time, it's also possible it's all gone because this is so fucking stupid.
I don't have a message to convey on this post, I think. Well, I can argue that even tho it's been more than a decade since my last relationships, I have few encounters that went nowhere but it taught me something, it might be about my idea of relationships or it might about my way of seeing life, but either way I'm learning from them.
Now, is there anything to learn from my current stupid pathetic crush? Probably nothing, or probably about a slight personal touch can go along the way.
The funny thing is, I'm the one who initiates the conversation because I have a valid professional concern, we had a professional conversation, 5 minutes later I'm crushing on her.
I'll probably dream of being married to her and the crush intensified for the next few days.
now I'll hit "post", reread it, and sleep.
