elah biji kadut

 It's 2021, already at the end of April, where did the days go? It's already Thursday, then Friday, it's payday.

I think we all can agree that 2020 was a blur, it was very long and very short at the same time.

In February 2020 we watched Parasite won Oscars, I watched Birds of Prey in the theater, then suddenly we all working from home.

The last Ramadhan I experienced at work, with other people, normal Ramadhan, was in 2019, 2 jobs ago.

I still had my Super Saiyan hair back then.

Listening to my Spotify top 2020 playlist just brings memories from my previous house, even then it's a blur, everything is a blur, I woke up at 915, daily morning call 930, working either in the dining room or guest room, with Bryan lazying around.

But listening to my top 2019 is a memory of normal life, a life where I woke up at 8, took a quick bath, went to work either by ordering GoJek to Lebak Bulus MRT station for 40 minutes trip or riding my beloved racing red CBR150R for 20 minutes trip. Or even the first half of 2019 where I handled that cursed yellow brand campaign for 6 months.

2019 feels long because even though most days were insignificant, more things happened, while 2020 was just there, I raise a motion to just delete 2020, reduce my age by 1 year.

my point is, the vaccine is available, but somehow it's a shitshow.

I'll be on the 4th phase anyway, so normal live resumes for me on 2022 probably

June 29th, 2013

I was 21 going 22 back then, went home from college on the weekend, the theme in the family was my sister and brother saw a very cute puppy, it was a chowchow, a white one, and they want it. They beg for a week I guess, I haven't seen this puppy, but I said to them that it's a responsibility, owning a dog, they'll get sick, they'll die much faster than us, but they wanted it, so we went to Pejaten Village to buy it.

At this point, I was still against the idea of owning a pet, but I got beaten 2 to 1 so here we are in the pet shop, and then I fell in love.

it was June 29th, 2013, Bryan arrived at our household

pardon any typo and shit grammar my eyes already wet as shit.

it was a new experience, we never had a big pet before, it was a rabbit or a turtle, he pooped and peed on the floor 5 minutes after he arrived at home, he probably panicked due to the new environment. We bought him a big turtle head bed that he never used as a bed, but as a toy to bite. We kept him upstairs and play with him there, then the day came, he was able to push the gate, then he could go up and down the stairs himself.

He'd sleep either in my room or my cousin's room, woke us up around 7AM, no matter how late we slept, we'd wake up and go downstairs with him, go to the front door and accompany him there, I'd sleep on the couch near him.

We'd do something outside, usually repairing cars, and he'd be just there, sitting, observing.

He'd bark whenever there was a package or a guest, he is our door bell.

He'd run around in circle chasing his own tail, he'd come barging to my room, barking until I go to play with him.

From college, to work. I left him for 4 months, to go to Makassar for work, I remember we did a video call and the moment he saw my face, he let out this whining sound. My brother would send me pics of him. 

We moved home, I got an office job. 

Every day, I get home, there was that barking, he'd run outside just to sniff me for 30 seconds.

It's a routine, a routine I took for granted.

Suddenly he wasn't able to run as much, suddenly he wasn't to walk as long, suddenly he's walking funny. Suddenly he's diagnosed with arthritis, too early for a dog his size, 2 years too early.

In hindsight, it was gradual, but it always felt sudden.

Suddenly there is no more chasing his own tail, no bite game, no hide and seek game.

Suddenly he needs help to go from where he sleeps to where he eats and drinks.

Suddenly he can't get up on his own, at best he can walk for 15 minutes.

Suddenly he lost bladder control, we have to take care of his piss and poop, the difference was at least then when he was a kid, he was aware he needed to poop or pee, but he did not know where to poo and pee. Now it's just a sad lack of control, he'd be sleeping and poop came out.

At first, he'd be having a hard time after walking for 1 hour, then 30 minutes, 15, 5, now it's 5 steps, sometimes one step is hard.

The weird thing is I never in the year he is sick, I felt that he is making my life hard, no, I feel that he is having a hard life, at some point, it's not a life I want him to live. A life where you can't walk for more than 5 steps is not a life worth having.

So I talk to people, like an Alcoholic Anonymous, I asked around, friends who have lost their pets, how did it feel? How is life after? I just need to know I'm not alone.

I persevere, I let my parents know that when life got too hard on him - not us, I can clean his poo and pee for the rest of my life for all I care - when life got too hard on him, we have to let him go, I have to let him go.

I went to the vet this afternoon, the doctor said what we already know, but needs to hear it from a vet, that it's going to get worse. Now that the end is getting closer, it's fucking hard man.

He was there when my parents fight, he was there when I was having a hard time. He is a dog, but I always feel like he can understand us, understand me. 

Then the guilt, do I love him enough? can I love him more? does he have a good time with us? Is another owner better? He's a dog, he can't answer any of this.

I don't when is the time, I know it's close, I'd probably take 2 days leave to grief.

I imagine the first day without him, calling him as if he's still here.

fuck 

fuck 

I don't it'd feel this bad.

the best there ever is