Lantai 37 dan Kamu

I think few weeks ago I wrote on my twitter that the going back to commuting to work sucks.

I was wrong, it would only suck if your choice of transport sucks. 

Sure buying a automatic scooter is the financially responsible choice, but it would suck the life of my commute, it would make my already mundane commute even more mundane.

I chose to commute on a real motorcycle, with clutch and all, because then my commute would be fun, it would be cathartic, and I'd enjoy the process of commuting to work.

Most of our life sucks, our bosses are usually meh, our bosses boss even more meh, so whenever it's possible to choose something that can enrich your life, choose that. 

Choose the right songs, choose the right clothes, choose the right people, choose the right job, it's not easy, it's an active process, it'd take a fucking long time, it took me 5 years to be here, where I am content with my life, and even then I still have things I want to improve, but that's okay, that's life. 

But because I actively choosing the things that I want, with as little compromise as possible, I am here right now, where I actually enjoy waking up and go to work? Meeting all those people? I like it.

Being out there exposing myself to random strangers? Love it. 

You'll never know, you wake up one morning thinking "yeah it's another Tuesday", 6 hours later you're introduced to new people who watched our beloved summer last night and found that they like that scene you like. 

I took 3 minutes to reread this post and it feels weird, I'm still sound like an arrogant ass but more like fluffy arrogant ass.

The world is not ready I tell you 

surat untuk si terbaik

Selamat dini hari Brian,

Ga berasa udah mau 4 hari sejak kamu pulang ke surga doggo, apa kabar? Semoga kamu udah sehat lagi ya disana, kamu udah bisa lari lari lagi, sambil muter2 kepala kayak kipas helicopter. 

Semoga bulu kamu tumbuh lagi, putih, megah, gagah. 

Semoga kamu udah bisa senyum lagi. 

Kita kangen banget Brian, masa mama manggil bonek Brian, handuk Brian masi ada di kamar sultan, makanan Brian masih banyak, kita sumbangin ya? 

Ka nico kangen bangeeeeeeet sm Brian, kangen senyum nya, kangen gonggongnya, kangen semuanya. 

Brian happy ya di sana. 

Ka nico masih suka ke inget Brian, masih suka ga sadar nyariin Brian. 

Ini foto Brian favorit ka nico, Brian nyenyak banget tidur siang di garasi.

Ka nico masi suka nangis klo inget Brian, tapi udah ga kayak waktu Brian baru pergi, waktu itu ka nico sedih banget, Sekarang ka nico udah bisa kerja lagi, udah bisa nonton youtube lagi, ka nico juga udah makan, jadi Brian tenang di sana, kita baik2 aja. 

Di masa depan, mungkin kita ga akan sesering ini inget Brian, mungkin kita akan ada keluarga baru lagi, tapi bukan berarti sayang kita ke Brian, kangen kita ke Brian itu hilang, Brian tetep spesial buat kita, buat ka Nico. 

Ka Nico minta maaf ya Brian, kadang ka nico milih tidur dibanding main sama Brian waktu Brian masih sehat, tapi kamar ka nico selalu terbuka kan buat Brian kalo mau tidur, meskipun Brian ngorok. 

Kalo ka nico kangen, Brian main ya lewat mimpi.

Dulu ka nico punya mimpi untuk nikah dan punya anak, biar anak ka nico main sama Brian, tapi Brian udah pulang duluan. Tapi gapapa, nanti kalo ka nico punya anak, pasti ka nico ceritain soal Brian, anjing keren, baik, penjaga keluarga ka nico selama 8 tahun 8 bulan.

Nanti klo ka nico udah tua, kita coba nego sama tuhan ya biar kita bisa ketemu lagi.

Makasih Brian, sehat sehat di sana, katanya banyak temen ya, Titip salam buat Bobby ya, dari mba Rere. 

Love you, 

Nici

draft on my blog I never post 2

I need to find a time machine to go back in time.

No it's not to tell my past self about what stock to buy and sell before pandemic hits, I just want to hug my younger self. 

He needs it the most, he needs it more than my current self. 

I still cry when I read the drafts from my younger self, why are you so broken and sad and angry, and why aren't you asking for help? Well technically I know all the answer, he is me.

I know why you're that way, and I know you will need to heal at your own pace, and my current self is a proof that you can heal, it takes time but it can be done. 

So I just want to hug him, and talk to him like a brother, and tell him it'll be fine. 

Oh fucking god you fucking poor soul

draft I wrote few years ago part 1

 So, here's the thing

I have an idea about ideal relationship, but in the end it's just an idea.

If few years ago, whenever I went into romantic mood and imagining having a girlfriend, it would be about the dates, the adventures, the jokes, and all things sweet and good.

It was a good escape from my then nihilistic world view.

Now that I'm a chaotic neutral - yeah, I believe the world are millions of random occurrence happening in the same time, and sometimes few random occurrences collide with each other - whenever I'm imagining a relationship, other than all things sweet and good, I started imagining the fights, the bickering, and the worst, the heartbreak.

See, I'm still an inherently pessimistic person, love always ends up in heartbreak, but there could be multiple cause of it, from a flat out rejection, to death, and in this case, death is the best case scenario.

Love is the only condition where death is the best case scenario. 

You will end up as someone you needed the most when you were at your worst.

I read that somewhere, it might be Instagram, Pinterest, tumblr, twitter, I forgot.

But I can kinda agree with this. 

What I am now is what I needed to be there for me when I was at my lowest, a friend who says it's okay to feel like the world is crushing you, it's valid.

A friend who is just present. 

But it wasn't my friend's fault that I felt alone, I did not tell my friends about my problem, about what I feel, so it was my fault. 

But I needed at that time, a friend who would tell me its okay to vent, and they would listen. 

When I read that, that quote on the first paragraph, how I currently operates makes sense. 

I'm a lot like Thiago Alcantara, I'll be the options, I'm here, you can pass me the ball and I'll caress it, I'll take care of it, you can trust me. 

Sometimes I'll ping a long pass tho hahaha. 

So now I tell people that they can talk to me, and I will just listen. 

Abdel and Temon but with Angels and Demons font

It's Spotify wrapped time, being the basic bitch that I am, I follow the trend.

I did not expect my most played song, but now I know about it, I can kinda remember when I got quarantined due to covid, I listened to this song for 10 days on repeat. 

So there's that. 

The top 20 is predictable, the last 20 is weird, it's a collection of songs that at one point in 2020 was important and I played it on repeat but after constant repeat it lost the charm and went back to the back of my liked songs.

What sucks is of course some of the songs remind me of my good boi, but a lot of things from the past 8 years will remind me of him, oh god I love him. 

There are few things that are on my mind. 

One is that in the face of certain death, a heartbreak now looks like a price worth paying for some semblance of intimacy. 

I wouldn't survive last week without my friends, family and coworkers, I love them so much. 

At first I thought that I am being reasonable, with putting some distance, on the pretense that other people have their own lives, but seeing how much they care about me, a simple "are you really okay nico?"

And the fact that I feel save saying, "I'm okay ish, I'm still kinda sad", and I feel save telling them how much I cried on those two days, oh god I love them so much. 

I realise I'm becoming more open, like a new and better nico came out of that fucking traumatic event. Surviving loss is already an achievement, let alone got out on the other side better person, that's a win. 

Who ever the lucky person managed to be my wife should thank Brian, his existence saved me, his passing makes me better. 

My perspective was skewed due to me being afraid of failing, thinking deep down I won't survive being heartbroken. 

But somehow after all of this, it felt like my heart is full of these fluffy feeling that I want to share with other people, which for now means my friend, dan kucing komplek.

The other is how your perception is time is rarely right, well, your perception is rarely right, there are songs that I swear I did not listen one bit in 2021, but it turns out I did. 

And tomorrow - technically, this afternoon - I'd do something I never do in my life; create a harmless lie to meet someone that I kinda fancy. 

Hi sunshine

There is something about grief that I was not expecting.

I expected the crying, I expected the residual sadness, I expected that at certain point I will think that in the bigger picture, what I do to earn money is mostly bullshit. 

I expected that after few days, I might be able to function again, not fully but at least at an acceptable level, that I can eat, I can work, I can take care of myself, that I won't be wallowing myself in sadness.

The thing that I wasn't expecting is the guilt, I feel guilty because I am able to function, that I still do my job, that I continue to eat well, that I am not as sad anymore.

I still miss him, my eyes still wanders to his favourite spots, but I am not sad sad. 

I still feel a bite of sadness, my chest got heavier a bit, but not as suffocating, not as heavy. 

I feel guilty of moving on until I read somewhere that what happens to me is not moving on, the grief is still there, it'll stay, I might find something triggering and will breakdown, but it's just a bittersweet facts of life that life goes on.

Just like there are life before Brian, he arrived and fills our day, then there will be life after, and that will fill our days. 

Just like a memory on a computer, we keep what's important and delete the rest, Brian is important, but there will be a lot of important things to fill my memory, it won't replace him, but might be put him a bit behind the folder. 

But I can access it, forever. 

Then when I access it, I will remember it, and celebrate it. 

I think in the foreseeable future, there will be a lot of post about grief, about how grief is a consequence of loving, this is my way to grief. 

It's 5am in the morning I still awake, I have work at 10, probably can push it to 11

the goodest boi

It's finally here, the post I don't want to write.

Yesterday we let Brian go to doggo heaven, he was 8 years and 8 months old.

I'm still full of grief that I can understand, but I can't help but feel it, I need to feel it as much as I can.

He was the bestest boi, but as all living things, he got old, he got sick. When he first got sick we cried, when we took him for a walk and in 5 minutes his hind legs gave up, we call our parents to bring a car to take him home, we clean his legs, and we cried, that was our first realization, that at a very near future, we have to let him go to doggo heaven.

At that time we decided that when things gets too hard for Brian and for us, we have to let go. 

And the last 2 weeks was it, suddenly he slept a lot, like he did not have any energy left, but he still went to patrol - we call it paw patrol at first, then we call it tippy tappy because of his steps - at first the patrol was the whole house, both floors, then only the second floor, then only my brother's room where he slept and my room where he sometimes play. 

All signs are there, but Im not ready, so I decided to let me have few weeks preparing.

Then it arrived, I went to my cousin's house so she can be with Brian, then the doctor came.

I have to pick him up for the last time. 

We put him to sleep, and you know what, I thought I was ready, but when he no longer breathes, I cried like never before. 

But I compose myself, we have few things to take care still. 

Few hours later, everything is done, the feelings just got out, I cried and I cried, and I scream his name. Every once in a while the feelings soften up, and we talk and reminisce about his life and what he bring to our life, a companionship, a friend, a family. 

When we grief, everything comes at you, the memories, happy and sad, the regrets, all the what ifs. But thankfully we live in an era where we have youtube.

Watching all these people telling stories about how they grief, and everything that I feel is normal, that you won't move on, you'll just learn to live with it. 

And it is entirely normal that you will suddenly miss it, even years after it.

Grief is an unexpressed love, and the fact that this is how much Brian's passing affect me, means this is how much I love him.

I love you lots big boi, more than you can imagine, more than I think I know. 

umpalumpa

I am lot less angry now compared to myself from 2019.

If anything, 2019 is peak stress for me. 

That specific client just sucked a lot of life from me, and I felt at that time the company wouldn't be going anywhere, in fact, staying as they were at 2019 is already a good job.

But the stress was too much, the pay was too little, and I decided to leave. 

It was a risk, the next company wasn't in a better position, but I just had to be selfish, I needed a fresh air, I needed another perspective. 

And yeah the next company was not better, in fact it was in a lot worse condition in terms of performance, but the people in management was much better. 

I learnt there and then that if you are a good person and working with good people, things might turn to shit, that's just how it is, but you're left with a lot less anger. 

While my at my first work, the central management from regional always felt like they deliberately being an asshole, my second one felt like they just handled a bad card, and by the time I arrived there, it's already in a shitty place. 

Fast forward to 2020 April, my second workplace closed for good, the first one is still there, and getting more toxic than ever. 

It's a lot like breaking up with a good person who just happened to be the wrong one vs. Staying in a relationship with an abusive arsehole. 

Yes there was unstable phase in a lot of my co-worker's life when the company came to a close, but little by little they found the next job, all is well. 

I came to realization like two hours ago that my experience with my previous employer shapes how I manage my team, my relationship with other team, and my relationships with my work. 

Working in a big company helps as usually the HR division will be strong, the rules are set in stone. Unlike small company where the power usually centered around few, big company are usually more balanced, there won't be any rule change just because one guy in the high management read some random listicles about how to increase performance. 

Like even my direct supervisor is not all powerful, they still have to answer to 3-4 bosses above them, they still have to collaborate with other colleagues of the same level. 

Yes I have to report to them, yes they can and will provide advice/direction to me and my team, but most of the time we are left to our own to decide the best step for each of our issue. 

That is why I am not too bothered, irritated? Sure, but when I see the bigger picture, meh, I'm in a better position in terms of job security compared to my previous 4 years of working. 

I also learnt about the power of collectives, literally just socialised a lot, just have a shred of empathy, be interested in the person, be genuinely genuine person, and suddenly you're backing each other's ass, suddenly the bosses are a lot less powerful. 

Ther are fewer bosses than staffs. 

What's the point of this post? I don't know, a lot happened last week, professionally, it's another new experience. 

Idup gini amat

Udah tidur caem, kebelet pipis, trus ga bisa tidur, 5 jam lagi harus motoran ke kantor

Rupi kaur

2018 part 2

I think somewhere in this blog I have written about how much I missed 2018.

I miss the atmosphere, the people, it's just how these weird set of people happened to be working at the same office. 

It's not easy meeting people that have the same appreciation of weird nonsense comedy. I haven't met better set of people since, I still talk to them. I mean I have cried silly while drunk in front of them so it's safe to say that they know who I really am. 

They're the first set of people that I feel comfortable coming out about my view about religion, so that's pretty high standard. 

I think I also wrote about how I miss the commute, waking up in the morning, donning my "uniform", and rode through Jakarta's hellish traffic.

Also I think it was Asian Games mood, that 5 Lane Sudirman was finally finished, I hit 140kph with that tiny red CBR. 

3 years and a pandemic later, I have to ride a motorbike daily, again. 

There are lots of changes, for one I'm near 30, the CBR is no more, I have XSR155 now. But most of it still the same, the route is 75% the same, the bomber jacket is still there, new helmet but same brand, so I can't help to reminisce about that time. 

Oh we have mrt now, it was on progress back in 2018.

But I still find it jarring that a lot can changes and there are still a lot that stays the same.

This Thursday, will be my first day riding a motorbike to work, the first since March 2020.

Also this time I have this urge to know more about that cute HR. 

👌

Quick follow-up.

I did not dream about her, in fact, I had a nightmare, can't remember exactly what, but I can remember the feeling, just so much anger, suffocating.

Thank god even my subconscious is not taking things too fast and too personal, had too much emotional baggage I guess. 

But, I had a video call meeting where she's on cam for an hour because she's the moderator/organizer, so that's nice. 

Also, as of today, the feeling has been mostly gone, it's mostly slight interest, I'll probably steal some glances just by reflex, don't judge me. Would I be happy if I have a bit of chitchat while waiting for the elevator to arrive? Or when I go to my friend who happens to work on the same area???

But at least my subconscious is not even making weird scenarios, we all live and learn. 

Car, The Garden - The Wave

This might be the most pathetic post I will ever write in a while, and by pathetic I really mean I'm cringing while writing this.

As you all fucking bitches know, we're all in the pandemic, thankfully the end is in sight, it might be a bit far for us unlucky Indonesians, at least most of us who can't afford weekly PCR tests, but it is there, it is close.

As you all fucking bitches know, those who are quite lucky, have worked from home basically for 18 months, I joined my current workplace exactly a week before company-wide work from home directives, I barely know how my coworker actually looks like, let alone people from other divisions.

A bit of personal background - like there are thousands of people who read this, there's only probably one reader, you probably read this in the middle of boredom ya Lun - even in normal time, I rarely go out on weekends, my social interactions are mostly with coworkers, and old friends, and now we're in a pandemic, staying at home, imagine how hard I have to adapt? Here's a hint; not one bit.

But since 2017, I have had what I called the "annual crushing on someone event", like the title, it's basically me being stupid and taking a liking on someone with no basis whatsoever other than one small moment of nice/cute interactions in the middle of my drab corporate day to day job.

It's mostly simple and innocent, there is one that started just because she gave me multiple nicknames she uses on emails, it's basically that Sweet and Sour movie on Netflix, we had to work late a lot, we naturally develop a nice working relationship which basically went from once-a-month communication at best to she's at the top of my WhatsApp and Skype and skype because we had to work together a lot. 

See? Naturally, I developed some feelings towards her, it wasn't much, the feeling was gone by the 8th week, but a bit of fun fact, before her, the last time I took a liking on someone was like 6 years ago, so that "wasn't much" feeling felt so overwhelming I had to go to hypermart just to take a walk. But this crush affected me so much I reevaluated my way of thinking, thanks to her I became a little bit open to things, a little bit understanding that it's okay to feel things. I really like her btw, as a person, really hope I can meet her again. I'm logging in to my skype just to check whether I still have the chat history for fucks sake

Then there's the one with the same hobby, this taught me that having the same interest meant jackshit, then there's multiple "cmon she's cute try approach her", one mutual friend, one coworker, both were not working, the coworker one, at the time I thought it did not work because she's kinda shallow, the mutual friend one, because I bleached my hair, but after few times thinking about it - yeah, I spent my lonely nights thinking about why certain things in my life turned out a certain way - I think it's mostly I don't have mental space for extra person, dating someone, even just as some kind of summer fling - like we have summer here - kinda changes your life, you get one extra factor that can affect your mood, I'm not a particularly moody person - because my mood is mostly "I don't want to work but I have to earn some money" - but I think having another person's existence in my life, one that would expect to be at least high up in the priorities, would change my life a bit, and at that time, I don't have the space to do it, mentally, and financially.

So both just puff went away like a fart on the beach.

oh and another one because she asked me whether I saw the moon last night, what kind of Michel Gondry shit was that? Of course, I would think about her.

But I can kinda justify why I took a fancy on them, there are either nonchalant personal moments or just straight-up set up by a friend.

I think 2020 I had like 2 weeks crush on someone, like 2 weeks before I quit that job, so I just thought, "fuck it let's have Siomay date downstairs" and "oh you're holding my hand? I'll hold them back", she was in a relationship at that time, it was zero risk even if I caught some feelings, I'd be gone by 3rd week, but she's the most conventionally beautiful one tho.

After that Siomay, I moved to my current workplace, it's a big conglomerate, has like 400 employees here, then pandemic hits, 100% work from home bar few divisions where it's necessary to be at the office, but they basically working on an empty office.

18 months, nothing happens, but a few chats later I have a small crush on someone I have seen physically probably 3 times in 18 months, all in passing, zero interaction before December 2020, all interactions have been cordial and professional. one "HAHAHAHA" later and I have a crush on her.

What's next? nothing, we're still in the middle of a fucking pandemic for fuck's sake. And this is the most pathetic cause for a crush, I don't even know her personally, it doesn't even make sense. Took an interest? Sure, she's pretty attractive, but crush? what a fucking lonely loser.

But I want to talk about The "HAHAHAHA" moment. 

In a world where most of our interactions are chats, we use "hahaha" as a way to soften up the conversation, but we type hahaha without actually laughing, most of the time. It's quite easy to type as well, just repeatedly type an H and an A, so "hahaha" has lost its meaning, in Indonesia chatting world, it's just a tool to soften the tone.

"HAHAHAHA" is a different beast tho, someone actually took a little bit of effort of either turning on their caps lock on their laptops, or double-tap shift button on their smartphone, either way, it's one extra step. 

so yeah, to be honest, I'm enjoying this, I have to go to the office in 2 weeks I think, it's tentative, but I may meet her. By that time, it's also possible it's all gone because this is so fucking stupid.

I don't have a message to convey on this post, I think. Well, I can argue that even tho it's been more than a decade since my last relationships, I have few encounters that went nowhere but it taught me something, it might be about my idea of relationships or it might about my way of seeing life, but either way I'm learning from them.

Now, is there anything to learn from my current stupid pathetic crush? Probably nothing, or probably about a slight personal touch can go along the way.

The funny thing is, I'm the one who initiates the conversation because I have a valid professional concern, we had a professional conversation, 5 minutes later I'm crushing on her.

I'll probably dream of being married to her and the crush intensified for the next few days.

now I'll hit "post", reread it, and sleep.

yeyeye

I think I am at the last stage of following K-Pop, and specifically K-Pop, K-Variety is still the shit.

K-Pop represents the most extreme capitalistic music Industry, most of them aren't artists by definition, you can get hired and debut just by being extremely beautiful and can barely sing and dance and act.

Unlike most Bands/Groups where they just organically found their bandmates, K-Pop groups are handpicked by producers for the maximum appeal, there is no logical reason for 9 member groups let alone 13 other than giving something for everyone.

You're contracted for 7 years - this is after public outrage and multiple lawsuits - and you're milked to death.

Most record contracts I know are something like one artist/group will produce a set amount of albums in the span of a set amount of years, because I think these producers understand that even though this is business, artists need time to create things.

But on K-Pop they have like 4 comebacks in 1 year, with each comeback is basically 10-12 weeks of promotion, so that at best 40 weeks working out of 12, and it's not 40 hours/week. 

Why am I rambling about this? I don't know, I just got attacked by these feelings of romanticism while listening to Kings of Convenience latest album. 

Their previous album was released in 2009, then they just decided to pursue personal achievement, then suddenly they thought, "this might be a good time to release an album, we have a lot of materials from the past 12 years"

and they release one of the most calming albums I've ever heard, and the fact they still sound so familiar, but so new, just gave me an "ah life is good" feeling.

And I love the fact that you can also go to Arctic Monkeys' Tranquility Base Hotel and Casino, where you know that they grew up, they're not the same kids from Sheffield. 

I love the fact that they've been given time to create such a personal album.

why work?

Why work? I think there are two answers, assuming of course we're living in a just world, one is to survive, the other is to pursue craftsmanship, not necessarily crafts like woodworking or blacksmith, but just to push yourself to be better.

Again, this is assuming we're living in a just world and there are no asshole who will use worker's reason to work for selfish reason.

But we are not living in a just world.

If you work hard to proof yourself to other people, you won't get recognised as the one who work hard and given a just compensation, other people will just give you more work because you get things done.

So here's my advice, learn as much as you can in the span of 8 hours of working, if possible and within reasons sure do some extra 1-2 hours of overtime here and there, you just start working, it's the best time to make the sacrifice.

But working is more than the actual work, is how you present your work, that's why you see absolute twat who barely knows what he/she's talking about got promoted, because somehow they look capable, 99% percent of your clients don't understand about what you do, that's why they pay you, so yeah learn how to look smart.

Use idioms, use big words like "extrapolation" or expressions like "surreal" or shit like "kafkaesque". Learn English ffs and the right ones, less "ahh umm" and more "let me think" while you're translating your thoughts to English, and you look like you're e the thinker.

But the most important things is know your shit and know it well, knowing a lot of things at surface level will give you too much work, knowing few things deeply will make you irreplaceable, you can just dilly dallying for 5 hours and work for 3 and nobody can say shit.

Start of the last decade

2010

Phoenix

SNSD - Tell Me Your Wish

iPod Nano

CR-V

Gap Year

Pasar Seni Ancol

World Cup

South Africa

Dim Sum

Plurk

Canon EOS 400D

Facebook

19 years old.

Owl City, 'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs From ten thousand lightning bugs kinda shit.

The Dark Knight is THE comic book movie, we all thought all comic book movies would hit that level.

MCU wasn't even a thing, we just got Tony's cameo on Hulk and Scarlett Johansson - 26 years old Scarlett Johansson - just started her first year as Black Widow. 

Used to listen to White Shoes and Couples Company a lot, still listen to it, but not as much.

Just found out NPR Tiny Desk is fucking old, so old their videos only got 480p, the video above is one of their oldest, that video also happens to feature one of my favorite band from that time, and I mean favorite, I play that shit on fucking repeat using my iPod Nano

I used to drove my parent's CR-V at that time, which happened to have a cutting-edge head unit with a built-in iPod connector, shit was fancy.

Bruno Mars just debuted, Doo-Wops & Hooligans also played in on repeat.

Glee was the hottest shit if I remember it correctly.

256MB Flashdisk was the shit, 100GB external harddisk is fancy, windows is vista.

Spain was crowned as the world champions, Liverpool was shit, Torres left for Chelsea by January 2011.

1st year of being single, yeah, as someone who claims "I don't really care about relationship" I am really petty about how long I've been single.

Where does the time go? or where did the time go? fucking grammar man.

I am currently 29 years, 8 months, 1 day, 6 hours, and 36 minutes

Most of my friends are married, some already divorced, a few lost their child, one has passed away few days after her university graduation, and here I am creating a list about which Gundam Astray I'd get first, hint: Red Frame Kai

Photo not mine

We had 3 Bruce Wayne, started the 2010s with Christian Bale, end it with Rob Pattinson, also if I go back in time and tell the people Edward Cullen will be Bruce Wayne, they'd stone me to death.

Why post this? Don't know, just got nostalgic all of sudden, I think hitting another mileage - 30 years of age in few months - just increase my nostalgic mood. It was 3 homes ago.

I'll probably hit 30 still in the middle of the pandemic - Thanks Jokowi - and celebrate it via google meets like last year.

udah lah, 7 jam dari sekarang udah harus kerja lagi

 

2018

 so just spent the whole May-June without any post

Here it goes

I fucking miss 2018, and it's already 3 fucking years ago I went to Phuket and got drunk as fuck in front of a kebab shop, well, it's almost 3 years ago, got drunk on July 16th, spent the whole 17th hungover, spent the whole 18th hyped because of World Cup final.

I was 27, it felt like I get new experiences almost on a daily basis.

I got double warning letter due to some mistakes, it felt so bad back then, but 3 years later, I know how to work under immense stress

Or probably I know most mistake wouldn't really affect your company, the company still exist today

I guess I miss the mundane things

I miss waking up at 730, took a quick bath, wear that same t-shirt - jeans combo, black sneakers, red backpack - sometimes no backpack - bomber jacket, earphone, helmet, red CBR150R, enjoying the commute, enjoying the back roads of Jakarta, enjoying riding my bike. 

I miss arriving at the office, having a chat, bought a breakfast with others, talking about stupid shit.

I miss brainstorming, I miss working at the office, I miss the routine.

But I really miss the music Friday - speaker on for the whole day, you can request song via Skype. 

I really miss the talk while having lunch, going to lunch together, I miss our after office talk, playing fifa with ea h other.

I fucking miss 2018 man

But time goes on, we have to take care of ourselves financially, and of course our career, so I have to move. 

But that was the best of times and worst of times, wouldn't change it for anything, would gladly relive it. 

elah biji kadut

 It's 2021, already at the end of April, where did the days go? It's already Thursday, then Friday, it's payday.

I think we all can agree that 2020 was a blur, it was very long and very short at the same time.

In February 2020 we watched Parasite won Oscars, I watched Birds of Prey in the theater, then suddenly we all working from home.

The last Ramadhan I experienced at work, with other people, normal Ramadhan, was in 2019, 2 jobs ago.

I still had my Super Saiyan hair back then.

Listening to my Spotify top 2020 playlist just brings memories from my previous house, even then it's a blur, everything is a blur, I woke up at 915, daily morning call 930, working either in the dining room or guest room, with Bryan lazying around.

But listening to my top 2019 is a memory of normal life, a life where I woke up at 8, took a quick bath, went to work either by ordering GoJek to Lebak Bulus MRT station for 40 minutes trip or riding my beloved racing red CBR150R for 20 minutes trip. Or even the first half of 2019 where I handled that cursed yellow brand campaign for 6 months.

2019 feels long because even though most days were insignificant, more things happened, while 2020 was just there, I raise a motion to just delete 2020, reduce my age by 1 year.

my point is, the vaccine is available, but somehow it's a shitshow.

I'll be on the 4th phase anyway, so normal live resumes for me on 2022 probably

June 29th, 2013

I was 21 going 22 back then, went home from college on the weekend, the theme in the family was my sister and brother saw a very cute puppy, it was a chowchow, a white one, and they want it. They beg for a week I guess, I haven't seen this puppy, but I said to them that it's a responsibility, owning a dog, they'll get sick, they'll die much faster than us, but they wanted it, so we went to Pejaten Village to buy it.

At this point, I was still against the idea of owning a pet, but I got beaten 2 to 1 so here we are in the pet shop, and then I fell in love.

it was June 29th, 2013, Bryan arrived at our household

pardon any typo and shit grammar my eyes already wet as shit.

it was a new experience, we never had a big pet before, it was a rabbit or a turtle, he pooped and peed on the floor 5 minutes after he arrived at home, he probably panicked due to the new environment. We bought him a big turtle head bed that he never used as a bed, but as a toy to bite. We kept him upstairs and play with him there, then the day came, he was able to push the gate, then he could go up and down the stairs himself.

He'd sleep either in my room or my cousin's room, woke us up around 7AM, no matter how late we slept, we'd wake up and go downstairs with him, go to the front door and accompany him there, I'd sleep on the couch near him.

We'd do something outside, usually repairing cars, and he'd be just there, sitting, observing.

He'd bark whenever there was a package or a guest, he is our door bell.

He'd run around in circle chasing his own tail, he'd come barging to my room, barking until I go to play with him.

From college, to work. I left him for 4 months, to go to Makassar for work, I remember we did a video call and the moment he saw my face, he let out this whining sound. My brother would send me pics of him. 

We moved home, I got an office job. 

Every day, I get home, there was that barking, he'd run outside just to sniff me for 30 seconds.

It's a routine, a routine I took for granted.

Suddenly he wasn't able to run as much, suddenly he wasn't to walk as long, suddenly he's walking funny. Suddenly he's diagnosed with arthritis, too early for a dog his size, 2 years too early.

In hindsight, it was gradual, but it always felt sudden.

Suddenly there is no more chasing his own tail, no bite game, no hide and seek game.

Suddenly he needs help to go from where he sleeps to where he eats and drinks.

Suddenly he can't get up on his own, at best he can walk for 15 minutes.

Suddenly he lost bladder control, we have to take care of his piss and poop, the difference was at least then when he was a kid, he was aware he needed to poop or pee, but he did not know where to poo and pee. Now it's just a sad lack of control, he'd be sleeping and poop came out.

At first, he'd be having a hard time after walking for 1 hour, then 30 minutes, 15, 5, now it's 5 steps, sometimes one step is hard.

The weird thing is I never in the year he is sick, I felt that he is making my life hard, no, I feel that he is having a hard life, at some point, it's not a life I want him to live. A life where you can't walk for more than 5 steps is not a life worth having.

So I talk to people, like an Alcoholic Anonymous, I asked around, friends who have lost their pets, how did it feel? How is life after? I just need to know I'm not alone.

I persevere, I let my parents know that when life got too hard on him - not us, I can clean his poo and pee for the rest of my life for all I care - when life got too hard on him, we have to let him go, I have to let him go.

I went to the vet this afternoon, the doctor said what we already know, but needs to hear it from a vet, that it's going to get worse. Now that the end is getting closer, it's fucking hard man.

He was there when my parents fight, he was there when I was having a hard time. He is a dog, but I always feel like he can understand us, understand me. 

Then the guilt, do I love him enough? can I love him more? does he have a good time with us? Is another owner better? He's a dog, he can't answer any of this.

I don't when is the time, I know it's close, I'd probably take 2 days leave to grief.

I imagine the first day without him, calling him as if he's still here.

fuck 

fuck 

I don't it'd feel this bad.

the best there ever is

 if it doesn't have meanings, don't do it, just don't

don't do performative shit, don't do shit just for the sake of doing it.

Sure you create your own meaning, but we already live in a world where people do shit mindlessly.

Well, there I am, I just conclude the reason why people do a thing without thinking about their meaning because people are most people. A person is different, people are most people. 

A person is unique, but when it becomes a collection of person, set of people, it becomes a pattern, a person is random, people are predictable.

Most people get in their first relationship in their teens, serious relationship in late teens early 20s, married in 20s, getting married at 30s is already considered not most people.

Why the fuck am I writing this then?

But hell, it's been a long time since my last rant.

I am not saying that people should be experts first before they do or buy something, nobody would've bought a smartphone if that's the case, I am saying is that people should put more thought into what they do.

Do you really need to go out every weekend? Do you really like going out or hate feeling lonely?

Do you really need that CBR150 or you want to feel that at least your hard-work and salary amount to something you can see?

There's nothing wrong or bad with either choice, I just feel that at least you should own it.

I bought CBR in 2017 even though the installments are pushing it because I want my salary to be my own, not spend it on other shit.

The different thing with my car is that I buy it because my family needs it, my family needs a dependable car that won't break at random times. If I am being selfish, I'll buy a 2010 Audi A4 instead of a 2021 Suzuki Baleno. The Audi probably broke by the second year of owning it, and I can't repair it because it will be expensive.

The thing is, when people ask why I do certain things or do things a certain way, I can explain it, and the explanation would not be "just because", the lowest level explanation I would give is, "for shits and giggles"

I write this because, for most people, their tendencies of not putting a decent amount of thoughts into what they do goes all the way to their work, it's stupid and fucked up. 

The worst part about it is because they did not put any thought into it, you can't reason with them, you can't explain it to them - even using the most layman terms available - because they don't have any reason at all.

Sure it's cool to be chaotic if you're Joker from the Nolan trilogy, but even that Joker is about proving something.

be my

Life is a full of decisions, sometimes you have to choose what you need and let go of what you want.

I want 2013 Honda Civic in white, but I need a car that still have its warranty and cheap to own, and White Civic is not that. But even in the compromised state, we still have multiple options, chose the one that won't make your day to day life boring. 

A manual transmission Japanese hatchback is the answer. It's Japanese, it will survive the next world war for all I care, it cheap to maintain and cheap to own. I can buy used Civic for the same price and the same monthly payments, but the tax would be significantly higher and because it would be a used car, it would have unexpected cost. 

So my red Baleno is a good middle ground, it's logical, but because it's a manual, it's quite nice to drive as well. Also it's red. 

But to be perfectly honest, a man sports bike is where my heart really is, it's reallyyyy cheap to own, but I need a car, I need to act like a 30 year old. I still collect Ultramen, but I'm 30 this year so there's that

So for now my life would consist of paying this car while also using it, I understand the whole buying car is basically throwing money away because of depreciation, but I will have a car that I enjoy driving? People pay money for things they enjoy?? Like my duo of Freedom and Justice?? They are worthless financially but Iike them

Also I'll probably buy another sportsbike because I can't imagine commuting in car here in Jakarta 

entropy

I've heard about entropy somewhere on the Internet, but about half an hour ago my brother used entropy to describe our family, or how our family deteriorated in the span of 12 days.

The definition of entropy from Physics world is below

"a thermodynamic quantity representing the unavailability of a system's thermal energy for conversion into mechanical work, often interpreted as the degree of disorder or randomness in the system" 

But I'm more interested in this definition

"lack of order or predictability; gradual decline into disorder." 

My brother use entropy to describe our family condition. 

It's pretty abstract concept, but basically, entropy is a measure of uncertainty and randomness.

We can try to fix things, relationships, phones, cars, but as things got older, entropy increases.

Entropy is either constant or increases but it never decreases. Fixing things will only delay entropy, but it'll happen anyway. 

Sure Toyota build reliable cars that can survive 250k kilometers, but as it got older and worn out, it'll get harder to fix, at some point, it'll be cheaper to throw it out altogether. 

So that's what probably happened with my family, we try to save it, all of us, but maybe, as times goes by, it accumulate issues, and it might be healthier for us to break it up.

It fucking sucks, deep down I probably want to keep it, I don't know why. 

The most possible reason is that it comforts me, there are five of us and a dog, that whatever happened in life, at the end of the day there would be a 5 of us and a dog at home. 

But then I take another look, I don't want to spend the rest of my life treading the water to only keep entropy constant, because we can't decrease it. It put pressure on all of us. 

I am pretty good at letting go, I don't really get attached to someone/something other than my dog, but I guess that it's really close to it being reality - the break up of my family - I find it hard to let it go, again for selfish reason, and I guess letting go something that's the only constant in my almost 30 years of life is never easy.

What's funny is that at around the same time, my dog is closer to his entropy. We can bring him to vet for physiotherapy, but it'll only delay his inevitable death. 

2022 might be the worst year in my life. 

bala

The perks of having birthday in November is that I will spend most of 2021 as a 29 year old.

But I'll hit 30 this year nonetheless. 

If the transitions between teens and 20s was huge, like huuuge, the life of let's say 17 year olds would be significantly different than 22 year olds. In the span of 5 years you could go from a teen to a legal adult. 

In that phase, there are a lot of things you unlock just by being that age. When you hit 17 you suddenly unlocked ability to vote and have driver license, by 21 you're legally adult and can drink alcohol, if you go to 4 year university at 18 and finish it on time, by 22 you'd be working with people significantly older than you. 

The 20s tho, you won't unlock shit just because you hit certain age, it all depends on mostly luck and hard work, and life choice.

My teens-20s transition is a bit different than most, I went to college a year late, I started at 19, and I graduated a year late, so at 24. It took me 6 years from high school graduate to university graduate. Did it help me? In terms of my readiness of going into the workforce? Maybe. I'm not as naive as 22 year old, but still have the eagerness of early 20s person.

And to be perfectly fucking honest, my life between 23 to 25 was a blur, my family's economic condition is not at its best, so I went to survival mode, my objective was to earn money. I got the job, then my focus in the first year of my job was just getting good at it and learn as much as possible.

It didn't cross my mind in the slightest that I need to feel needed by my company, I did not care, my focus is myself. Then the galon crush happened. 

In hindsight, it was a good thing, it broke my survival mode, so I started being more open with other people, I reached out to old friends, etc. 

I must say my 26-27th year was some of the best, well there were shit that happened but it's mostly great.

I almost reach 28 and I decided I need to earn more money, so I moved jobs. I got slightly more money with less responsibility. 

Then I got my current job, with significantly more money and more responsibilities but less mundane task, perfect. 

Then I arrived at 30, later this year. 

I started my 20s as university student with 2.3 GPA, trying to reach at least 2.75 when I graduate, and graduated with 2.95, and I'll end it as a Senior Manager in a huge company and a car payment (and already finished motorbike payment). 

Hit 89 kilos at heaviest and managed to drop it down to 74-75 range in 9 months was crazzyyy. 

In 10 years I transformed from a child that needs his parents support to supporting his parents.

Now in hindsight, I did pretty good for myself. 

uwu

I think last month, or 2 months ago, I interviewed a candidate for my team, 2 candidates to be exact.

I saw their CVs, both are slightly older than me, early 91 adult while I am late 91s, both are already married, both have 2 children.

While I am still single, not just single as in not married, but like single, I don't even have any crush right now. 

To the outside world, I might look like just another commitment-phobic adult male, or selfish childish adult millennial avoiding responsibility. 

I can accept the former, because I kinda hate commitment, ask my coworker, in every single problem I need to solve I just gave them options complete with pros and cons of each option, then I ask them to choose. See, I am not committing anything, the decision is not on me.

Now I am a team lead at my work, there are times where I have to make decision and commit to it, I'll do the same as before - gave them pros and cons of my choice etc - and do it, most of the time it's all good - I am rarely wrong - but even when shit goes bad, I already put it on my list of cons, they should now.

But if there is someone criticising me of avoiding responsibility, I'll overload them with my sad story, because right fucking now I'm the breadwinner of my family, my paycheck is not mine alone, so when people see relationship as a good thing, I see it as an added unnecessary responsibility. 

Yes, relationship is a responsibility, I have to do certain things to keep the relationship going, people fight because text not being replied ffs. 

I haven't buy any big purchase for myself, I mean you can count CBR150R as a big purchase, but the fact that after earning quite a lot I still can buy nice things for myself is fucking telling. 

2021

sad news, I can't have the Predator Absolute remake because apparently ProDirectSoccer probably got their orders cut by Adidas? or because they decided to flag my account for fraud and I have to give them confirmation means I'm not in the queue? Who knows.

So bye-bye Adidas Predator Absolute Remake.

Good news, well, not good news, the predator absolute remake is crazy expensive, not getting it means I have my money back.

other news

I started running, I suck, my stamina still sucks, it's probably worse compared to let's say February 2020 when I play football every 2 weeks, and I walked a lot, and I climbed stairs a lot. I started on January 1st, it's not an everyday thing, I already missed 2 days, one due to rain, I don't have the fancy waterproof jacket yet, the other one due to my knees aching, so I listen to my body because it probably needs some good rest.

It's fucking hard, it's mostly boring, I mean it's running, but somehow I liked it, I like the fact that I get my body moving again, I'm sweating like a pig while trying to catch a breath.

why I started running? well to lose weight at first, but as I ran, I see on the app that I clocked 9 kilometers since January 1st, that's 9k more than most people, and I enjoy finding little things to improve my running, the form, the gait, the pace management, the type of running, etc.

I don't know when I can play football again, it's too much of a risk, it's possible that the last time I played football was when I was 28 and the next time I play football will be when I am 30, but hopefully, we can start again on mid-2021, I mean it's an open space sport, less risk compared to indoor sports.

Stupid shit, I bought cheap football boots just because the color is cool.