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I think I have written a few about my thoughts on humility, about knowing your value relative to others, to put it simply: You know your position in society, you know you're pretty good at certain things and bad at others.

Apparently, the next step that comes from humility is accepting yourself as a whole, complete with the stupid weaknesses, and from accepting weakness, the usual next step in those self-help books is knowing how to improve it, but what most self-help books forget is about the good part of yourself.

The next step when you know and accept what you're good at is a good dose of arrogance.

It's okay to be arrogant in things you're good at, people can't say shit because you're actually good at it.

oh, and when you accept the shit part of yourself, you shit self-esteem from your ass.

Yeah, I dress like shit but you can't beat me in quick math quiz.

Yeah, I lose the ball once in a while and I don't press but I score goals.

Or when people criticize you without knowing you already know you're shit.

"don't eat Indomie too much you'll get sick", "I know"

"you have a tummy", "yeah I know, trying to lose it"

Humility also knowing what you don't know, I realize people don't know how to handle, "I don't know, and I don't have an opinion on that because I don't know enough to form an opinion"

To quote Jeff Winger, when you take a position on a discussion, you're already losing

You're Cute but You're Boring

Nowadays, it's much harder to know the real side of your crush.

Even pre-social media, we're crushing on someone for the silliest of reason: she's got a cute face, I like how her voice sounds like, I even crushing on someone because she's got good ass every Friday when they wear a long skirt, in my defense, it's a very tight long skirt, but then you fill in the remaining details on your head, you extrapolate their personality from the little you know about them, that's normal because that's what crushing is.

But at that time, in case you're really into someone and you decide to approach them, you have to approach them face to face and try to talk to them. So it's easier for the real version of them to replace the idealized version you have in your head, about whether you like the real version or not is another problem, but the chain of event or the distance between your idealized version of them and the real one is much smaller, due to the fact even the idealized version comes from uncurated image of them, like you saw her being clumsy and shits.

Then comes social media.

Now people take it too seriously, too seriously they have two accounts for separate activity, one is curated, the other is the less curated one. So let's say they want to look wise? Post some quotes, want to look happy? Post happy things. Post the holiday pictures from 6 months ago just because.

So yeah, it's "easier" to know about someone from stalking their social media, but the knowledge you have comes from the curated version of them, they won't post messy room, or their face 5 minutes after waking up hashtag IWakeUpLikeThis, so now the distance between the idealized version and the real one got further and further, bonus points if you happen to crush on someone with 1000 followers and take social media seriously.

Why I suddenly write about this? because suddenly Instagram is a phase you go through whenever you're crushing on someone. So fuck Instagram and Facebook, would deactivate it if it's not for my day job.

Ah shit

I get it, now I get it why some people are serial daters, seriously, I understand it now.

I get it, finally.

Let's go back a bit, I think I wrote about some default state shit in a post before, so for me whose default state for the past, I don't know, 8 years, have been completely single to the bone, not having someone to talk to about things at the end of a tiring days is expected.

Or having nobody to talk to even during the day is expected.

So what did I do? Browsing the Internet aimlessly, gathering fun factoid I'll never use, I mean there's very little possibility of a conversation to end up with me explaining the reason why 500 days of summer is a deconstruction of romantic movies genre.

Sure I'll throw some references here and there, like a test, if you don't get it we can't be friends - technically, we can, but it's more fun with me if you're into the current zeitgeist of society. 

So for the past few weeks, I have been courting a lady, so I get it, the thrill, the fantasizing, everything, I get it.

The idea of having someone to share your life with is appealing.

But here's the thing, I've seen enough sick, manipulative, toxic relationships for my lifetime - of course, I've seen enough, it's my parents.

It makes me wary about starting one, and of course, telling the old stories over and over again, where I work, where I went to high school, looking - sometimes desperately - for connection, somewhere.

But yeah, I get it, the highs of the high, some strangers took an interest, you feel validated, suddenly your existence means something to someone - other than your family and friends, who you take for granted.

But here's the thing, outside validation is good and all that jazz, but I think we're all born alone and die alone, we all should be selfish sometimes, I guess the hard part is balancing between focusing on ourselves, being considerate to others, and of course sharing our life.