About being alone, feeling lonely, and loneliness.

Buat saya, kesepian yang paling parah adalah waktu ndak punya temen sharing, mulai dari sharing meme sampah di-internet, sampe keluh kesah hati ini ditemani lagu slow rock medio 90-an.

So if we're using kesepian in that terms, saya pribadi sih ndak kesepian. Sendirian? Iya, kesepian? Ndak sih.

Tapi ini ada hubungannya dengan fluktuatif state of being gitu - ini udah terlalu snob tampaknya ya, gini-gini;

Orang yang tiap hari hobi-nya hengot sana sini, telponan/chatting tiap hari, begitu ndak ada yang ngechat atau ngajak hengot, stress. Ini juga masalah dengan orang-orang yang suka kelewat kaya, jadi nyari kesenangannya adalah dengan mencoba jadi tambah kaya, misalnya, atau malah bikin sindikat untuk menguasai dunia, misalnya, atau melakukan risky investment supaya dapet genjotan adrenalin.

Mungkin karena eug emang begini-begini aja, dari jaman SMA hape cuma dipake sms orang rumah atau nanya tugas, sms-an is not a thing for me. Then we got into msn days, sure there are few people who I chat a lot, but it's on probably weekly basis, once or twice a week maybe.

Ndak pernah ngerasani FOMO syndrome juga.

Again, when people asked me whether I feel lonely or not, in my eleventh year of singledome, I'd say no, because this is my basic states, my Kuuga Mighty Form, my OOO's TaToBa.

That changes tho, whenever I dreamt about some form of relationship.

The funny thing is, our brain is incapable of creating new faces, just not in their set of skills, so usually the object of affection is someone close, could be my officemates, or even that girl I saw queueing starbucks in front of me few days earlier, but I think the best was Twice's Jihyo short hair ver.

So in my dream, I'm living a different live, I have some form of meaningful relationship that is more than friend with other person of opposite gender, it rarely goes into sex mode, it's always about the spending time together doing nothing.

Then I wake up, then it goes.

See, at that moment, I'm going through extreme emotional adjustment, I went from being happily in a relationship to sleeping alone again in a few seconds, so maybe I kinda know how it felt to be in a post-relationship stress, but it'll only last for few hours, by lunch time I usually forget who I spent my life with in my dream.

But it does happen every once in a while and I do feel  a rush of sadness, the "ah shit it was a dream", but also the happiness that at least I can still feel things. 

So yeah, I understand when a friend of mine wants to introduce me to someone, it comes from a good place, that from their point of view, my current state of being is kinda sad, and I'm done being offended by it and just be thankful for their attention, it's how they show their love and care. 

Best Part - Daniel Caesar feat. H.E.R

You know that one song that can act as a time machine? Best Part is one of those for me.

For a song to be able to be a time machine, I have to listen to it so much my brain associates it with that particular time, it's blurry at best, can't even remember the details, but I can remember the tone.

Then I pavloved myself with this song if I want to get into that mood.

So what was it like? The "Best Part" time? Well, I just lost my weight, at the time I thought the only way to go is upwards and forwards, was particularly optimistic.

So whenever I feel a bit down I listen to this song, because our brain works that way.

Lagi banyak mau, tapi ga ada duit.