2.58AM

Praise clients being slow with their planning, the first two weeks of January is basically me goofing off in the office.

Bless them, bless them all.

With means I can reroute my brain power to a much more personal purpose, which equals me being melancholic late at night.

Now now, I know being constantly melancholic annoys a lot of people, that's why I won't involve my friend, that's why I have this god forsaken blog: to spit nonsense, who knows some of it will make sense sometimes in the future, some will be what it is, my late night mumble jumble.

In defense of being melancholic tho, at this day and age, being mellow means thinking about your love life, or lack of it. Or about whether your crush likes you back, or why the fuck you don't even have a crush. When in fact it's a lot more to it than just about what I mention previously.

By definition, Melancholia is just a feeling of sadness, sorrow, or morose, I am just showing off my verb collection, basically you being sad about something but not sad enough is Melancholia.

It could be about anything, sure it could be about whether your crush likes you back or not, but it could also be about what are we doing with our life, is this the life we want? If we were to meet our 12 year old self, would they be proud with us? Do I like my job, or the atmosphere? Or about whether life itself have inherent meaning or not.

Is/are God(s) real? Or they're just a concept our mind's inherent needs to believe in something created out of necessity? To survive, to makes sense of things we don't or can't understand, yet.

Or which is better? To have that spark with that special someone but you realize you won't last or even toxic to each other, or to compromise for good enough? At least we're not dying alone.

Do you prefer a workplace who treats you like a family but utterly unprofessional, or a cold strict office where you go out exactly at 5.

Then you realize, life is not one or the other, there's shitload of gray in here, life is anything but simple.

We all have a baggage, to quote Alain de Botton, we're all unpleasant to live with.

Silly things trigger us differently, for example, I can endure looking at my messy room, but god forbid someone misspell a word.

Sure we might look like we're okay, but more often than not, we're far from okay.  

Sometimes I think a lot of people have it easy, but there's another set of "a lot of people" are having it hard, much harder.

Sure it's not all easily quantified, some have it easy at making friends - bless them - some have it hard understanding a concept - bless me.

Oh, another choice, fucking stupid but have shitload of friends, or fucking smart but little to no friends, which will turn into: probably completely ordinary life but shitload of friends, or the potential to do something great but probably live a lonely life.

For me tho, having the potential to be something greater is worth having a lonely life.

At least, that's what I am thinking, today, who knows if next week I met someone so fucking special I change my preference, but the probability is small, but I'm digressing here.

I guess there's something romantic about self sacrificing, that for the advancements of humanity - exaggeration, one of my hobbies - one would choose a solitary life, the Batman Syndrome.

But hey, even Batman is getting married.

My Spotify mix doesn't help.

Since I was probably 17 or 18, I have romanticize the idea of aimless journey, you know, "It's about the Journey, not the destination", tho now I know this is fucking stupid, you have to have a destination, but sometimes you'll find out the destination while you're on the journey.

So yeah, I still think about that, just grab my motorbike's key and earphones and powerbanks, pack some food, turn off my WhatsApp so nobody from work could reach me, and gone for the night, preferably not another shopping malls, hopefully to a beach, or mountain.

But I also realized it's a dream of a teenage boy, I can't do it now with all the works and responsibilities. But I'd like to think that we're all teenagers inside, we just know how to adult.

Which begs my next question, why? Why we give ourselves this much baggage, this much responsibilities. Why should we possess so much, why should we exchange our time to please bosses we hate so we can get that promotion and get more responsibilities.

Have you ever think about it? How suffocating this is.

All these rules of life, the do's and don'ts, the should and shouldn't, the pros and cons.

Are you guys not tired? Because I'm tired.

And I'm tired experiencing this alone.

Sure I have friends, but you can only expect so much from friends.

There are no places for me where I can be completely, utterly honest and saying this, because instead of understanding, usually they'll go on some "I have it worse" game, when in fact I just want to hear someone, anyone, says they understand, that there's nothing wrong with feeling like this, that it's okay to let go for a moment, to take a rest, to hit the pause button and do nothing.

FUCK THIS POST GOES DARK QUICK

Here's some Bane-Cat

But hey, it felt good writing blindly without a them, I guess sometimes wikihow got it right.

Perks of Pessimism

Have you ever feel inadequate? Like everything you do is just another day's works, nothing special.

You wake up, you take a bath, you go to work, you work, you go home, sometimes you do your hobbies, you go to sleep.

This is how I write, I put no extra effort into it other than the constant repetition it has been for the last decade.

This is how I think about things, sure it went through some changes overtime, but the basic logic is still there, again, I put no extra effort other than the fact how I think today - and in other cases as well,  just how I do things in my everyday life - is just an accumulation of the things I have experienced until this very second.

I never think, in any way, that I am special, or even above average.

If my grades when I was at University were anything to go by, I was dead average, I mean in High School I ranked around 12-15th out of 26 kids in my class.

I'm like Southampton FC

But then one day, your friend said a good thing or two about you, well and in this case, about me.

That I am good with words.

That it turns out I am good problem solver/troubleshooter, that I give good and practical advise.

That I have good taste in music.

Even one friend directly said to me that I am smarter than average and I can go far in life, he said it half-drunk, but drunk people are the honest one.

See, here's the thing.

I grew up in a family where saying good things is a rarity, I am never good enough, that I always have to strive to be the best.

I mean if I get 75 in a test that I'm expected to get 75, sure, why should my parents praised me, but if I get 75 in a subject that I'm struggling with and it took every bit of an inch of me to get to that, sure praise is due, right?

But no, anything less than a hundred is bad, so yeah, why bother.

So I stopped giving an effort, thanks to my slightly higher than average IQ - okay, this is the only thing that I'm aware that I'm above average, because there's a piece of paper stating it - I can just be there and at least get a B, if it's a subject that I'm not good at, I'd still get a C without putting into much effort.

College made it easier, where every task weighted differently, I channeled most of what's left of me into things that would help my overall grades, a 1000 words essay worth 5% of the grades? sorry won't do it.

Why am I writing this? So you can see where I'm coming from, and I know there are a lot of people who put all of their efforts but still can't get what I get, but likewise, I know that there are people that even I put all my efforts I still couldn't catch them.

There are hierarchies in life, might not be ideal, but it's the fact.

I think there's a shitload of a gap between "not good enough" and "the best", and maybe sometimes, saying that I have done good enough would be better than just keep pushing me and pushing me until I broke down and become the cynical bastard that I am.

I think if the focus is put in progress instead of the "the best" status, I would be better emotionally than I am right now.

So it's weird when people who I suspect grew up in an environment where it's normal to give compliments where its due, compliments me.

In the past few weeks, I have received more compliments than I had in the previous 3 years combined, probably, I'm guessing blindly here.

Ranged from "resourceful", to "you have beautiful eyelashes", and I am a dude.

I think, in a way, I am thankful for the fact that my family rarely said good things about me, it made my standard of what "good enough" is, slightly higher than most people.

And I guess I'm just surprised at how some of my friends perceive me.

It's a lot like being a pessimist, either I'm right - that in fact I am completely average or even bad at things and I am completely okay with that - or I am pleasantly surprised - that it turns out I am probably better at things than most.

Ah, the blessing of pessimists.

In Defense of Guilty Pleasure.

Thanks to my Siapkah Kau Untuk Jatuh Cinta Lagi Review, now I'm on Indonesian cheesy love song binge.

Which can go from HiVi, to Payung Teduh, to Sore, then Padi, Sheila On 7, to D'masiv, then ends it with RAN, Isyana, and The Adams

Here's the thing, at some point of our life, we became art snob.

I only watch movies with certain rating, only listen songs from certain musician, and read books from certain writers.

As I grow older, I found the terms "Guilty Pleasure" dishonest, there's nothing guilty about enjoying that badly made movie you enjoy while you are 7 years old.

The fact that you can enjoy Transformers Trilogy does not reduce your ability to understands let's say Interstellar.

The fact that right now I'm listening to Kahitna does not mean I can't appreciate Frank Chopin.

This happens a lot with the young-uns, I mean this still happen to a lot of people my age.

You like what you like, there's nothing wrong about it.

God knows how many kids from poor areas have the talent to be a great pianist, but never get exposed to it.

The fact that your taste varies, means you have lived a privileged live, where you're exposed to variety of arts.

The moral of the story: Don't be a snob

SIAPKAH KAW UNTU' JATUH CINTA LAGEEE - how it'd sound if Armand Maulana sing this song

I'm thinking of starting a series of posts where I talk about songs I like and why I like them.

But me being consistently inconsistent, I think "a series of posts" means "whenever I'm infatuated with one song I played it on repeat for a whole week"

Let's talk about HiVi's Siapkah Kau Untuk Jatuh Cinta Lagi.

Maybe this song is the most polite love songs to ever existed, and in a way, most realistic.

It's a conversation, it's politely asking whether you're ready to fall in love again or not after your last relationship ends, because let's be honest, people takes time to heal themselves, could be a week - good for you - or even years.

I mean I've seen my friends keep comparing other people they dated to - what's according to them -their best love even when the new guy/girl they date is even better in every single stats known to humanity.

We all have that special someone I guess, they unknowingly booked a little space in our hearts. - technically science already answer this, you equate love with whatever kind of love you get from your parents, so you're in love with familiarity, not necessarily the right kind of love for you, oh god I love science.

So with politely asking, and even letting them think about it, making it the most adult love songs to ever exist - exaggeration, I know.

This isn't even about that crazy feeling you feel when you're in love - technically, it's limerence - it's about realistic conversation you would have to endure when you're approaching someone with previous history of failed relationship - or a crush - and technically it's all of us.

I remember listening to this song nonstop while working at that beautifully isolated mountain.

I think as I grow older, I'm starting to find bittersweet things fascinating and much more intriguing, because our live is not a Fairy Tale, bittersweet is much more likely than happily ever after, because even happily ever after ends with death, and death after happily ever after is bittersweet.

So asking whether the other person is ready or not, means you're indirectly telling them that you care about them so much, that you're willing to give the control to them, and you're willing to wait in limbo.

Though in the song, the guy already answering with "yeah fuck it let's go", BUT THEN THE GUY ASKS THE SAME QUESTION.

What an ideal.

A conversation, means to understanding each other.

I mean the girl already letting the guy have the control, but even after that he's still politely asking whether she's ready to fall in love again too, what a beautiful world.

And now that I think a bit more, this is the most psychologically healthy love song too (sorry, another exaggeration), because with the conversations, means you're acknowledging the feelings you have and communicating it in a healthy way.

Now I'm asking myself, why the fuck I'm not doing this sooner, talking about songs actually felt good.

Well, Happy New Year 2018

Fun fact: it's a world cup year.

Another fun fact: I'm not really into celebrating new year's eve, it's too benign, too mundane for it to be something to celebrate lavishly.

I like it as a milestone, to keep track of things, to look back to the start of the year and realizing how much have changed, and not necessarily only the good things.

How I lost contact to some while also gaining new friends, how we do things that at the start of the year thought we wouldn't do,what we achieve without really meaning to and failing even after giving it all.

The ups and downs, the irony, it's life.

2018 would be my 27th year, by the next world cup year I would be 31 years old.

I'm as close to 12 years old as I am to 42, I used to tell people that i'd date people plus-minus 5 years, and that means 22 years old and 32 years old.

It's just a number, but it put things into perspective, like how i started this blog when i was 17 years old, this blog is the only constant i have in life other than my family.

reading old posts would be fun.

Let's get serious.

If 2017 have taught me anything, is that you can't plan your life. 

You can still plan the big picture, getting that Master's Degree require a planning, but the details, the small details will punch you in the gut when you least expected it.

It's the people, those you thought nothing of when you first met, slowly and suddenly turn into someone important, someone you hold in high regard and there's no way you're going to let them down, someone you turn to when you need help.

Then there are the constant, that friend(s) you know you can just chat them random shit and they'll reply with another random shit, then suddenly the conversation will turn into something serious, like how we all deserve to love and be loved.

It's the quite achievement, where while you're doing it you think nothing of it, but now looking back it's quite an achievement isn't it? Like me losing that 13 kilos in 5 months.

It's the songs, the smell, the shirt you wear to that occasion, the mindless talks at lunch, dinner, and some overtime at works, the stupid jokes you blurts while you're bored, oh and the flirts, that's the best isn't it?

Some will be saved digitally - bless technology - while much other will be just that, memories.

If I have to compare 2017 to 2016 or even 2015, in 2015 and 2016 I have definitive timeline to what I have achieve, for example I graduated on March 2015, got my first job on September 2015, ends in December 2015, got another job on August 2016.

See, clear timelines, while for 2017, I can't really put a exact timelines on things that I achieved, because it's more abstract, but in some ways makes me prouder.

If I have to summarize, my 2015-2016 achievement is about what I am, I am no longer a student, I worked here now I'm working here, while 2017 is about who I am as a person, and 2018 is about will I am 

Well, it's 4.42 in the morning and i need some sleep.

Happy New Year