And in my head again

I should've write this shit in my other blog, but fuck it, the possibility of other people reading this shit makes it more exciting.

I've been trying to look into what makes it hard for me to be in a relationship, I mean I can list few factors, but the biggest one is the fact that I read an article about having a crush.

And I conclude that sometimes it's just that, a fling, a sudden burst of feeling, that if you can find the trigger, you can control it. That if you give enough distance, enough time, it'll gone anyway.

So if I somehow took an interest in someone - it's rare, but it does happen - I usually take some time, probably a week, trying to look for the event, the trigger, and trying to understand logically why that particular event causes the crush, oh and the event could be anything, the most stupid was someone talking so close to my face when the circumstances doesn't need it and I'm just in awe with how beautiful she was, and the most genuine - and I can say it's genuine because it usually resurfaces, usually once in a blue moon - because someone actually being nice to me, not just nice nice, real nice when she doesn't need to be and her being nice actually just makes her life harder.

Usually I came with nothing, and understanding it less than I was at the start, but by then the feeling it's gone, other than that one, it stays, probably my greatest regret, in case luna is reading, you who she is.

Because then you realize you're projecting the ideal, and people are not ideal, and the next step is a process of accepting the fact that she isn't ideal.

Which breeds another question, which one comes first; you start with loving the ideal and learning as the time goes by that they aren't, but you love them anyway? or you have to be in the right mindset from the get go for the relationship to be healthy.

It made less sense now that I typed it.

But I needed to type it.

But maybe my train of thought is the problem, that I'm too much of "idea" guy, instead of "practical" guy.

Maybe next time I take an interest on someone, I should just act on it, and if it's gone by the second week, then it's gone, too bad, back to daydreaming about upgrading my motorbike.

Maybe I should think less about this kind of thing, maybe I should just wing it, it won't make me less of a thinker, but it would made me more of a doer.

There's a lot of maybe here, well because I'm not sure about all of this.

But I need to write it, so I can read it in few years time and kinda said to my past me, "oh you fool you know nothing about laif"

TENOTENT

Sudah terlalu lama blog sampah ini tidak di-isi curhatan sampah saya.

Btw kemarin habis nonton sebuah video essay 500 days of summer, soal trope Manic Pixie Girl, karakter wanita - karena saya laki hetero, jadi soal wanita - yang hidupnya carefree dan tugasnya membuat brooding main character - yeah I'm funny like 20% of the time, probably 40% brooding cynically, and another 40% being an absolute airhead who forgets what's the answer to 4 x 4 was - menjadi lebih optimiz.

Cacat logika saya ada dua, pertama, 500 days of summer bukan soal Manic Pixie Girl, dan Summer tidak bitch, eh ini sudah dua cacat logika, ah intinya; 500 days of summer itu bukan film romance - padahal sudah di-disklaim oleh narator di-awal film - melainkan film coming of age. Dan Summer bukan Manic Pixie Girl, tapi Tom menganggap Summer adalah Manic Pixie Girl dia, yang akan merubah hidupnya lebih baik.

Kemudian, saya kadang dalam hati ada pikiran soal Manic Pixie Girl ini, bahwa idup saya akan jadi lebih berwarna ketika ada tokoh yang menggebrak tembok hati saya - ceileh peler lu kontol, well it would work if I'm normal in the first place, if my life journey was from a normal caring guy who somehow experience a tragedy and changes himself to another kind of person - a much more private and closed one - as a self-defense mechanism.

But I'm not normal, in the middle of 3AM, accompanied by Phim Viphurit's The Art of Detaching One's Heart, I realized that I have never experience any shred of intimacy in my life, my parents believe that the only love in tough love. My parents taught me how to be self-sufficient, that a person's worth comes from his/her ability to be self-sufficient, I see people who can't change their own tires as below me - too extreme, but you'll get the gist of it, dramatization is necessary in storytelling my boiz.

But I think I am normal, maybe I have a wall, probably a 15 years old wall, which somehow broke down a bit when I'm drunk.

So this is a combination of watching 500 days of summer video essay + officemates randomly asking me, "soo, if the time comes, are you ready to date people?"

oh and paracetamol, my favorite drug.

NEXT THEME BOIS

I just read a reddit thread about the good side of divorce, most of them about the freedom, and most of the people who said it are those who get married really young never experiencing the other side of life, you know, being the absolute single you buy a sports bike and ride it like you have spare lifes.

Now, I've been single, for almost 10 years, maybe I should try the other side, if it's not for me then at least it's by experience, not some sort of shitty early conclusion.

NEXT THEME BOIS.

I don't need new football boots, my Adidas ACE 17.1 is still good, so I'm going to save that dough, hopefully can buy the filthy PS4 by Christmas.

NEXT THEME BOIS

SSSS GRIDMAN is hereeee!

I'm so hyped I preordered two version of his action figure, probably selling one of them, the Good Smile's DX Gridman Set, and Megahouse's Actibuilder Gridman Set, the first one is 13k Yen, the other is 15k Yen, on top of my MAFEX Comic Book Spider-Man and Venom Pre-Order.

Time to save some money bois.

I've fooled around and fell in looooove.

I've fooled around and fell in looooove.

Disclaimer, can't relate to this song at all, because technically I've never fooled around in the truest meaning of the word.

But technically I can actually relate to this song.

I have been in a situation of being flirty with someone because there's nothing to do and it goes around for few weeks and boom shakalaka she is in my dream and somehow I got awkward because for fucks sake it was a dream.

It's almost midnight and my Spotify is giving me good shit.

The reason I kinda want but not really want to have a relationship is that I don't want to give up the freedom.

Yeah yeah technically being in a relationship won't steal your freedom, but in terms of being free I think being single is when you're the most free.

I mean, technically, if I quit my job and focusing my effort to get that sweet scholarship to Sweden, I can.

I don't have mouths to feed, I don't have a marriage target I have to fulfill, or dates to attend.

The most important thing, I don't have any promise to keep.