All my life, I have always think of myself as some sort of free spirit.
The - highly romanticized - idea of traveling somewhere alone, on a motorbike or a car, disconnected from the hectic modern life is too good to be ignored.
Then of course, the 70% of our life, our job.
As I got older, the idea of doing what you love so you won't feel like working feels a lot like hippie bullshit, sometimes we have to compromise, but at what cost?
It is a question I keep asking myself, almost every other week, or whenever that boredom hits.
I mean I like my job, but there's always a sense of bigger purpose in me, not necessarily about changing the world or some unrealistic shit like that, but more akin to something that brings meaning to other people, or at least make the world a bit more bearable.
Let's be honest, advertising industry is about manipulating people's lack of awareness and self worth, makes them think that by buying this particular product, your life would be a bit better. It might be, but a lot of them won't make your life that much better.
I mean, the margin of apple watch and your run of the mill quality watch like swatch, or even your own phone's watch, is small. Past certain threshold of quality, everything else is just gimmick.
***
January next year marks a decade of single-ness. A lot of my friend just brush off the facts that after that one girlfriend, I only have 6 flings in a 9 years, with only 2 of them I actually asked out.
I don't feel like there's anything particularly wrong with these, statistically, but for the past few months I've trying to figure out why this particular thing happens.
I think I got one of the reason figured out; I'm not really interested in people.
It never occurred to me to approach other people to know them personally, especially if the circumstances is not right.
Wait, I'm interested in people, but in understanding them, searching the why's and how's, trying to solve people, that's what I'm interested in, and honestly, people are fun, but past certain level of closeness, they're more pain in the ass than fun, because I know I am.
Now that I'm really thinking about it, it's actually fascinating. I've somewhere that we only need at least three commonalities to be able to live together, but to fall in love - whatever love means nowadays - is a choice, makes a lot of sense doesn't it?
I can be close, like super close to someone, but still not in love with because I chose not to for whatever reason, could be her face is not to my liking - shallow, I know - or she thinks the fact that I use Optimus Prime as my moral compass is funny, and vice versa.
The second reason is that I remember vividly the first time I read the science behind love, that it's all just chemical reaction, a trace of evolution, that given the time and effort, we can fall out of love as easy to fall in love, that was the day that broke me, I guess.
Another possible reason is that I'm not into happiness. I like to be happy, but the idea of constant pursuit of happiness seems counterproductive. Let's say you get it, the constant happiness, that would made it your normal state, you'll yearn for something more, because there's always something better out there.
So when people are selling the idea of relationship means happiness, I'm not sold, because I'm not looking for it.
And the trade offs is not something that I'm prepared to do.
***
I've been into Japan's 80s City Pop, the likes of Tatsuro Yamashita and Mariya Takeuchi.
It all started with Tatsuro Yamashita's For You album, then I spiraled down from there, all hail YouTube algorithm.
There's something different with them, it feels so precise, whereas their American counterpart often feels looser.
And usually after few hours of City Pop, I will go to eurobeat playlist and imagining myself driving Toyota 86 while delivering tofu early in the morning with a glass of water in the cupholder.
