Happy New Year, Bitches

It's here, the end of December, the end of the year, let's get into spicy introspective mood, because hindsight is 20/20.

So now that it's here, a lot of weird things that happened this year did not make any sense at all when it happened, but now I gave myself time and space to digest it, a lot of it made so much sense, and a lot of it actually taught me at least a little something.

You know, the whole "if it's good you're happy, if it isn't it'll make you better philosopher"

Sometimes it is a leap of faith, just make sure you have the escape plan ready in case shit goes awry, because if it's statistically possible for shit to happen, shit will happen.

Talked a lot to my friend - Hi Lun - about how I changed a lot this year, at least according to her, which is actually weird reading other people assessing yourself, and it's not in a professional manner, that comes easy to me, but a personal and slightly intrusive manner. It's half weird half ego-boosting.

Ah me, the ultimate arrogant narcissistic prick with self esteem problem, who actually fully aware that I am an arrogant narcissistic prick with self esteem problem, talk about self awareness.

Again, people come and go, what I like about end of year post is that I can look back and see how some strangers turn into close friends, reuniting with old friends you haven't met in a decade and found out that they are still your friends, circumstances might change a bit, but that friendship stays.

Oh and I learnt a lot this year, and by a lot, I mean, a bucket shit-load of shit.

My main lesson from this year is that social media fucks your perception, even me who actually don't really give a shit about what I post on social media, actually in some ways, curated the content I shared on my social media, not to the extent that I purposefully created a persona that's not me, but much more akin to lie by omitting some facts, so nobody will ever get a clear picture of who I am as a whole. If you skim thru my twitter or Instagram timeline, you still can conclude a few things, and they are 100% correct, but they are not 100% me, if you can get what I mean, and I'm thinking too much about social media for someone who's claiming that he doesn't give a shit about social media.

Nobody knows I'm fighting a depression other than few of my friends, and by friends, I mean 2 people.

So just be nice, nobody wants to hear your opinion on things, and it's okay to not have any opinion about something, it's okay saying that something or someone is not your cup of tea. The fact that you don't like reading detective series does not reduce the value of detective series in the eyes of those who love it, the fact that that one person does not want you means nothing to your overall value.

Sure I'd love to rant about things that bothers me to a certain extent, but most of the time it's easier and less tiring if you just plug in you earphone and play that shitty ass playlist you - or spotify's algorithm, you can choose - spent hours curating.

Getting out of the depression is a long term process that started from that one sudden crush last year, in hindsight, it felt like reorientation, I've been staring into the abyss for too long and I get too comfortable staying in that place, that crush pulled me out back into reality, I needed that crush, I hated it when it happened - I hated the lack of control, and the fact that it intrude my mind palace randomly here and there - but it happened anyway, and it's been baby steps since then, but it is a step, so I got that going for me, which is nice.

But the most important thing is that I chose to get out of it, not to succumb to its comfort. Sure the sudden reorientation helped, but after that it's all about conscious choice, it took effort, that I chose to tell my problem to other people and ask for help.

I can't just solve decades of shitty upbringing in a few days, it'll take time, might take another decade, probably. I'll need my friends, but it's not their responsibility to heal me, it's my problem anyway, but I'll take any help I can get.

And I'd be lying if I said that those dark places does not tempting me to go back, I took the phrase, "Hello darkness my old friend" tooooo literally.

But making peace with that version of myself might be my biggest achievement this year, how much of a narcissistic I am, that my biggest enemy is myself.

And when you realized you can control how you react to things, external stimuli becomes obsolete.

But it is a constant battles, sometimes I'm aware of it, sometimes it's on background process. 

I act less impulsive, no more short burst of emotion, thus, I'm much calmer, sometimes too calm for my liking, like eerily calm, the sort of confidence that you can see from a title-chasing Liverpool team under Jurgen Klopp.

I feel much more comfortable in my own skin, not like I feel I'm the most good looking guy on earth, more to "hey this is me, take it or leave it"

And enough talking about myself, let's talk about other things.

Again, a lot happened.

Twice's Jihyo cut her hair short, and suddenly she's the cutest Girl group leader ever existed - sorry Taeyeon.

World Cup happened, England won a penalty shootout, Japan-Belgium probably the match of the tournament.

Liverpool got into UCL final and Karius happened, but we bought Alisson and good god if he ask my girlfriend out for a night - in case I have one - I'll say yes, no, I'll insist.

I watched less movies this year, Avengers Infinity War was awesome on first viewing but meh on second and third viewing, I can't even remember what movies I watched on cinema, but I rewatched 500 days of summer, with a whole new perspective, it's funny how your state of mind - values, expectation, preconception, prejudices - affect how you digest movies, or even art in general.

I read one book this year, and shitload of pointless wikipedia article.

I found few new musician that I like, but I listen to my carefully curated playlist like 90% of the time.

I kept my weight consistent, I dress slightly better for my standard, I went out more.

It's a constant battles, sure I can imagine how my life would be a year from now, but 99% of the time, it's about taking it one battle at a time, living in the moment, and sometimes, when you get too much into the moment, the world around you slow down, and suddenly you're dribbling past three players, but you stamina sucks so your shot is weak as fuck.

I don't know how to close this post, actually, so here it is.

2018 went so fast, it felt like January 1st was yesterday, now it's another December 31st, it really did feel like a blur, but looking back, a lot happened, most of it happened for no reason at all, but there are select few that taught me a lot, and changed me as a person, I guess.

So happy new year, 2019 might be the first time I'm feeling optimistic about facing a new year.

And in my head again

I should've write this shit in my other blog, but fuck it, the possibility of other people reading this shit makes it more exciting.

I've been trying to look into what makes it hard for me to be in a relationship, I mean I can list few factors, but the biggest one is the fact that I read an article about having a crush.

And I conclude that sometimes it's just that, a fling, a sudden burst of feeling, that if you can find the trigger, you can control it. That if you give enough distance, enough time, it'll gone anyway.

So if I somehow took an interest in someone - it's rare, but it does happen - I usually take some time, probably a week, trying to look for the event, the trigger, and trying to understand logically why that particular event causes the crush, oh and the event could be anything, the most stupid was someone talking so close to my face when the circumstances doesn't need it and I'm just in awe with how beautiful she was, and the most genuine - and I can say it's genuine because it usually resurfaces, usually once in a blue moon - because someone actually being nice to me, not just nice nice, real nice when she doesn't need to be and her being nice actually just makes her life harder.

Usually I came with nothing, and understanding it less than I was at the start, but by then the feeling it's gone, other than that one, it stays, probably my greatest regret, in case luna is reading, you who she is.

Because then you realize you're projecting the ideal, and people are not ideal, and the next step is a process of accepting the fact that she isn't ideal.

Which breeds another question, which one comes first; you start with loving the ideal and learning as the time goes by that they aren't, but you love them anyway? or you have to be in the right mindset from the get go for the relationship to be healthy.

It made less sense now that I typed it.

But I needed to type it.

But maybe my train of thought is the problem, that I'm too much of "idea" guy, instead of "practical" guy.

Maybe next time I take an interest on someone, I should just act on it, and if it's gone by the second week, then it's gone, too bad, back to daydreaming about upgrading my motorbike.

Maybe I should think less about this kind of thing, maybe I should just wing it, it won't make me less of a thinker, but it would made me more of a doer.

There's a lot of maybe here, well because I'm not sure about all of this.

But I need to write it, so I can read it in few years time and kinda said to my past me, "oh you fool you know nothing about laif"

TENOTENT

Sudah terlalu lama blog sampah ini tidak di-isi curhatan sampah saya.

Btw kemarin habis nonton sebuah video essay 500 days of summer, soal trope Manic Pixie Girl, karakter wanita - karena saya laki hetero, jadi soal wanita - yang hidupnya carefree dan tugasnya membuat brooding main character - yeah I'm funny like 20% of the time, probably 40% brooding cynically, and another 40% being an absolute airhead who forgets what's the answer to 4 x 4 was - menjadi lebih optimiz.

Cacat logika saya ada dua, pertama, 500 days of summer bukan soal Manic Pixie Girl, dan Summer tidak bitch, eh ini sudah dua cacat logika, ah intinya; 500 days of summer itu bukan film romance - padahal sudah di-disklaim oleh narator di-awal film - melainkan film coming of age. Dan Summer bukan Manic Pixie Girl, tapi Tom menganggap Summer adalah Manic Pixie Girl dia, yang akan merubah hidupnya lebih baik.

Kemudian, saya kadang dalam hati ada pikiran soal Manic Pixie Girl ini, bahwa idup saya akan jadi lebih berwarna ketika ada tokoh yang menggebrak tembok hati saya - ceileh peler lu kontol, well it would work if I'm normal in the first place, if my life journey was from a normal caring guy who somehow experience a tragedy and changes himself to another kind of person - a much more private and closed one - as a self-defense mechanism.

But I'm not normal, in the middle of 3AM, accompanied by Phim Viphurit's The Art of Detaching One's Heart, I realized that I have never experience any shred of intimacy in my life, my parents believe that the only love in tough love. My parents taught me how to be self-sufficient, that a person's worth comes from his/her ability to be self-sufficient, I see people who can't change their own tires as below me - too extreme, but you'll get the gist of it, dramatization is necessary in storytelling my boiz.

But I think I am normal, maybe I have a wall, probably a 15 years old wall, which somehow broke down a bit when I'm drunk.

So this is a combination of watching 500 days of summer video essay + officemates randomly asking me, "soo, if the time comes, are you ready to date people?"

oh and paracetamol, my favorite drug.

NEXT THEME BOIS

I just read a reddit thread about the good side of divorce, most of them about the freedom, and most of the people who said it are those who get married really young never experiencing the other side of life, you know, being the absolute single you buy a sports bike and ride it like you have spare lifes.

Now, I've been single, for almost 10 years, maybe I should try the other side, if it's not for me then at least it's by experience, not some sort of shitty early conclusion.

NEXT THEME BOIS.

I don't need new football boots, my Adidas ACE 17.1 is still good, so I'm going to save that dough, hopefully can buy the filthy PS4 by Christmas.

NEXT THEME BOIS

SSSS GRIDMAN is hereeee!

I'm so hyped I preordered two version of his action figure, probably selling one of them, the Good Smile's DX Gridman Set, and Megahouse's Actibuilder Gridman Set, the first one is 13k Yen, the other is 15k Yen, on top of my MAFEX Comic Book Spider-Man and Venom Pre-Order.

Time to save some money bois.

I've fooled around and fell in looooove.

I've fooled around and fell in looooove.

Disclaimer, can't relate to this song at all, because technically I've never fooled around in the truest meaning of the word.

But technically I can actually relate to this song.

I have been in a situation of being flirty with someone because there's nothing to do and it goes around for few weeks and boom shakalaka she is in my dream and somehow I got awkward because for fucks sake it was a dream.

It's almost midnight and my Spotify is giving me good shit.

The reason I kinda want but not really want to have a relationship is that I don't want to give up the freedom.

Yeah yeah technically being in a relationship won't steal your freedom, but in terms of being free I think being single is when you're the most free.

I mean, technically, if I quit my job and focusing my effort to get that sweet scholarship to Sweden, I can.

I don't have mouths to feed, I don't have a marriage target I have to fulfill, or dates to attend.

The most important thing, I don't have any promise to keep.

Find shit you like, you won't feel like working for the rest of your life.

Finding shit I like is hard, choosing one particular - or few, whatever floats your boats - interest is hard, but like any other thing in life, using a process of elimination is the way to go.

Try things, you'll find out you don't like some shit, you'll find out you'll at least tolerate some shit, but then you heart will yearn for that particular shit that you'll give up anything, everything, to pursue this particular shit.

I am always into learning things, I like reading shits, usually pages and pages of wikipedia about random ass topic that I happen to stumble upon.

I always find the idea of being a academics fascinating, spending your life to learn something, the world of academics is also the most likely to uphold meritocracy, unlike any other field bar sports.

Why didn't I go to get my masters sooner? The honest answer is I don't know, maybe I needed the money, maybe I felt like I'm tired of learning, and shitload of other maybe, but I guess you just know, like I know I prefer Twice Jungyeon over any other members despite Momo being the hottest and Mina being the cutest.

And the final thing is, I feel like I am ready now, or maybe I'm not.

Maybe I needed to experience that working atmosphere, from the friendship, camaraderie, the politics, and all that jazz, and maybe now I understand - or accept - that that's how workplace works, it's all in the packaged, some might be worst than others but more or less the same.

And now I understand both how academics compared to being professional, I prefer the former.

I might not be able to afford that CBR1000RR in the next 5 years, but I will be 32 by then, I still have enough time. 

10 years in

HOLY SHIT BLOG INI SUDAH 10 TAHUN

Blog ini dimulai ditengah menjamurnya blogger di Indonesia, belum ada twitter, cuma ada facebook, facebook pun belum digunakan buat pencitraan, it's about sharing that filthy virtual gifts and filling in those quizzes.

Holy fuck it's been 10 years, holy absolute fuck.

Now I'm a 27 years old guy instead of 17 years old boy, most of my friends are married instead of just having a crush, and it's about jobs instead of homeworks.

Masih suka tiba-tiba dapet momen, sadar kalau sekarang sudah 27 tahun.

Holy shit, 10 years.

I remember posting about how excited I was about the first Iron Man movie, now we're seeing Thanos chilling in the middle of nowhere.

Well, hopefully we're still here 10 years from now, when I'm 37

K O M B O

All my life, I have always think of myself as some sort of free spirit.

The - highly romanticized - idea of traveling somewhere alone, on a motorbike or a car, disconnected from the hectic modern life is too good to be ignored.

Then of course, the 70% of our life, our job.

As I got older, the idea of doing what you love so you won't feel like working feels a lot like hippie bullshit, sometimes we have to compromise, but at what cost?

It is a question I keep asking myself, almost every other week, or whenever that boredom hits.

I mean I like my job, but there's always a sense of bigger purpose in me, not necessarily about changing the world or some unrealistic shit like that, but more akin to something that brings meaning to other people, or at least make the world a bit more bearable.

Let's be honest, advertising industry is about manipulating people's lack of awareness and self worth, makes them think that by buying this particular product, your life would be a bit better. It might be, but a lot of them won't make your life that much better.

I mean, the margin of apple watch and your run of the mill quality watch like swatch, or even your own phone's watch, is small. Past certain threshold of quality, everything else is just gimmick.

***

January next year marks a decade of single-ness. A lot of my friend just brush off the facts that after that one girlfriend, I only have 6 flings in a 9 years, with only 2 of them I actually asked out.

I don't feel like there's anything particularly wrong with these, statistically, but for the past few months I've trying to figure out why this particular thing happens.

I think I got one of the reason figured out; I'm not really interested in people.

It never occurred to me to approach other people to know them personally, especially if the circumstances is not right.

Wait, I'm interested in people, but in understanding them, searching the why's and how's, trying to solve people, that's what I'm interested in, and honestly, people are fun, but past certain level of closeness, they're more pain in the ass than fun, because I know I am.

Now that I'm really thinking about it, it's actually fascinating. I've somewhere that we only need at least three commonalities to be able to live together, but to fall in love - whatever love means nowadays - is a choice, makes a lot of sense doesn't it?

I can be close, like super close to someone, but still not in love with because I chose not to for whatever reason, could be her face is not to my liking - shallow, I know - or she thinks the fact that I use Optimus Prime as my moral compass is funny, and vice versa.

The second reason is that I remember vividly the first time I read the science behind love, that it's all just chemical reaction, a trace of evolution, that given the time and effort, we can fall out of love as easy to fall in love, that was the day that broke me, I guess.

Another possible reason is that I'm not into happiness. I like to be happy, but the idea of constant pursuit of happiness seems counterproductive. Let's say you get it, the constant happiness, that would made it your normal state, you'll yearn for something more, because there's always something better out there.

So when people are selling the idea of relationship means happiness, I'm not sold, because I'm not looking for it.

And the trade offs is not something that I'm prepared to do.

***

I've been into Japan's 80s City Pop, the likes of Tatsuro Yamashita and Mariya Takeuchi.

It all started with Tatsuro Yamashita's For You album, then I spiraled down from there, all hail YouTube algorithm.

There's something different with them, it feels so precise, whereas their American counterpart often feels looser.

And usually after few hours of City Pop, I will go to eurobeat playlist and imagining myself driving Toyota 86 while delivering tofu early in the morning with a glass of water in the cupholder.

Fuck

Dating after 25 is hard as fuck.

Knowing I only have one reader - Hi Lun - might as well talk about dating here.

Let's go.

So I'm 27 this year, most of my friends are either married or in a committed relationship, so it is hard to hangout, thank god I'm perfectly comfortable going alone, but I guess sometimes you want that old school camaraderie, enjoying each other company without thinking much, but I guess thinking much comes with age and the responsibility that comes with it.

I guess - I'm doing a lot of guessing here - this is exactly why I'm starting to think about getting a girlfriend, I guess, or at least a date.

A date with coworker is strictly prohibited, but coworker's friends is okay, but coworker's friends is also either married or in a committed relationship, lots of em.

So me being tried and tested guy, thinking about approaching some old friends that I think is pretty fun to be around with, but nah after not talking for probably a decade and suddenly ask to hangout is weird as fuck.

I mean let's go back to college days, the circumstances helps a lot, meeting new people and having a crush here and there is accepted and even expected in college, in work? not so much.

I guess I'm currently can't see a scenario where suddenly I met someone and thinking "oh she's great, need to approach her"

Well, that kind of thinking never comes into my mind, those "wow she's great will chat her first", in every single crush that I've experienced, it's always about the small moments that makes me "oh shit she's awesome", after accumulating probably hundreds of other small moments.

I mean, I'm okay doing shits alone, but I'm at that phase where I feel like I need that connection, and the responsibilities and trade offs that come with it.

Fuck being drunk, fuck having all these defenses down and vulnerable as fuck. 

Weekend Rant Draft #sekian

I've read somewhere that humility is the best quality one can have, and in my opinion, it's the hardest to attain.

Because humility is about knowing where you are in this world, assessing yourself objectively by your own standard, and assessing yourself against society standards.

Thinking that you're the smartest person in the room is arrogance, but thinking you're pretty smart but also understands and aware that someone in the room is probably smarter than you is humility.

And placing yourself somewhat accurately in the hierarchy - if there is any? - will do you a lot of good.

I think with humility, you can also create a good balance in yourself, and not beat yourself too much if something goes somewhat wrong in your life.

With humility you can assess whether you're punching above your weight - great for you! - or underperforming, or even performing as expected which is fine.

Humility is about balance, I think, and with humility, you're a little bit closer to knowing yourself.

---

Pacific Rim: Uprising is here, with it, the extremely polarized movie discussions arrived.

In my office, the questions is whether the movie is bad or really bad, and I think that questions reeks lack of gratitude and of course it's a fucking snobbish question.

let me quote the Pauline Kael - in which I found on Roger Ebert's review of Gamera 

“Movies are so rarely great art that if we cannot appreciate great trash we have very little reason to be interested in them.”

A lot of movie is bad, most movies are average at best, and only time will tell whether a movie will be considered as greats - usually Criterion Collection is an indication.

One must be able to differentiate a good movie and a good movie going experience, as Ebert put it in his review of Gamera.

Transformers is not a good movie, but it's a good movie going experience. So does all those disney movies all these people love dearly, they're average at best, but you're having a good time with it.

The best of movies in my opinion is movies that changed you, give you some sort of feeling of wonder, thinking, "Thank God I watch this movie", it's the kind of movies that transcends entertainment, and trying to say something.

And for me, I have experienced this feeling while movies ranged from Schindler's List, Wall - E, and Batman v Superman, to Speed Racer, Power Rangers, and Summer Wars.

I guess what bothers me the most is the insistence of watching some movies just to proof your expectation of how bad it can be. I mean yeah it's your money, but 35k can be use to buy McSpicy Chicken instead of a ticket to a movie you know you'll hate long before the movie came out.

And under this logic, I'm against putting a score to a movie, I mean Speed Racer is fucking 9 in my eyes for a lot of reason that I can articulate but you know how is the general opinion right?

It's like comparing Makoto Shinkai's Garden of Words to Mazinger Z: Infinity. One is trying to push the boundaries of animation, the other is another fun action anime movie.

It's like calling Watchmen a Superhero Movies and Romeo and Juliette a Romance. Both movies are tragedies.

We, at first, have to assess the purpose of the filmmaker, who is the target audience, is it an oscar bait? or is it a no holds barred fun action flick? And from there we judge them accordingly, or you can just enjoy it, or not, it's up to you.

OH AND WHAT BOTHERS ME THE MOST

Is that these rotten tomatoes snob doesn't even watch the basic movie snob watch list. One of my friends is a huge fan of Rotten Tomatoes, loves Nolan, Edgar Wright, and Wes Anderson.

Then he asked me what is my favorite romance movie, knowing this is a snob game, I told him "Before Sunset", he haven't watch it.

I mean if you're trying to be a snob, go full snob, watch movies from 70s, Lawrence of Arabia, 2001: A Space Odyssey, A Clockwork Orange, The Shining, all those Kubrick shit.

I mean in my snobbish days, I even watch Schindler's List, and I unknowingly fell in love with it.

I'll say it again, if you want to be a snob, go full snob, only watch oscar bait movie.

pikabu

Menurut tab explore di instagram saya, hari ini adalah wisuda UI.

Kemudian saya ngescroll profile instagram saya, ga ada foto wisuda saya.

Saya scroll hape saya, juga ga ada foto wisuda saya.

Waktu mau wisuda dulu saya pernah ngepost kalau saya ga segitu semangatnya ikut wisuda, sudah terlalu lelah kuliah, sudah kerja juga waktu itu.

Rasanya ya ga perlu aja gitu, I'm not into ceremonial thingy.

Mungkin kalau saya wisuda bareng orang-orang seperjuangan mungkin masih semangat, ini hampir sendiri.

saya juga inget baju yang saya pake, karena kemarin baru saya pake ke kantor.

Kemeja biru, jins hitam, cuma beda sepatu.

Ini gatau siapa yang salah kok bisa begini, apa orang tua saya juga ga pernah gimana2 soal wisuda, karena saya inget teman2 saya pada pake jas, dan itu toga dipake seharian sampe sore.

I hate toga, impractical, the only reason we still use toga because those so called academics wants it, academics are big on tradition.

Sebenernya agak menyesal sedikit tidak punya satupun foto wisuda, but then life goes on, nobody ask anyway.

-----------------------

Sejak diet dengan segala effort dan self control - imagine having to constantly checking what you eat every fucking day for 6 months - akhirnya tembus target 75kg, sekarang 74,5 kalo abis pup.

I realized one thing, I can actually achieve shits if i put effort into it.

sure, I'm not going to change suddenly into some sort of overly ambitious bastards, but I won't be a liar when people ask me why the fuck I wear the same shirt everyday.

Instead of acting high and mighty, I just tell them "I don't consider what I wear Important enough for me to put an effort of choosing what to wear"

I don't have decision fatigue, I'm not mark zuckerberg, I'm just lazy.

2.58AM

Praise clients being slow with their planning, the first two weeks of January is basically me goofing off in the office.

Bless them, bless them all.

With means I can reroute my brain power to a much more personal purpose, which equals me being melancholic late at night.

Now now, I know being constantly melancholic annoys a lot of people, that's why I won't involve my friend, that's why I have this god forsaken blog: to spit nonsense, who knows some of it will make sense sometimes in the future, some will be what it is, my late night mumble jumble.

In defense of being melancholic tho, at this day and age, being mellow means thinking about your love life, or lack of it. Or about whether your crush likes you back, or why the fuck you don't even have a crush. When in fact it's a lot more to it than just about what I mention previously.

By definition, Melancholia is just a feeling of sadness, sorrow, or morose, I am just showing off my verb collection, basically you being sad about something but not sad enough is Melancholia.

It could be about anything, sure it could be about whether your crush likes you back or not, but it could also be about what are we doing with our life, is this the life we want? If we were to meet our 12 year old self, would they be proud with us? Do I like my job, or the atmosphere? Or about whether life itself have inherent meaning or not.

Is/are God(s) real? Or they're just a concept our mind's inherent needs to believe in something created out of necessity? To survive, to makes sense of things we don't or can't understand, yet.

Or which is better? To have that spark with that special someone but you realize you won't last or even toxic to each other, or to compromise for good enough? At least we're not dying alone.

Do you prefer a workplace who treats you like a family but utterly unprofessional, or a cold strict office where you go out exactly at 5.

Then you realize, life is not one or the other, there's shitload of gray in here, life is anything but simple.

We all have a baggage, to quote Alain de Botton, we're all unpleasant to live with.

Silly things trigger us differently, for example, I can endure looking at my messy room, but god forbid someone misspell a word.

Sure we might look like we're okay, but more often than not, we're far from okay.  

Sometimes I think a lot of people have it easy, but there's another set of "a lot of people" are having it hard, much harder.

Sure it's not all easily quantified, some have it easy at making friends - bless them - some have it hard understanding a concept - bless me.

Oh, another choice, fucking stupid but have shitload of friends, or fucking smart but little to no friends, which will turn into: probably completely ordinary life but shitload of friends, or the potential to do something great but probably live a lonely life.

For me tho, having the potential to be something greater is worth having a lonely life.

At least, that's what I am thinking, today, who knows if next week I met someone so fucking special I change my preference, but the probability is small, but I'm digressing here.

I guess there's something romantic about self sacrificing, that for the advancements of humanity - exaggeration, one of my hobbies - one would choose a solitary life, the Batman Syndrome.

But hey, even Batman is getting married.

My Spotify mix doesn't help.

Since I was probably 17 or 18, I have romanticize the idea of aimless journey, you know, "It's about the Journey, not the destination", tho now I know this is fucking stupid, you have to have a destination, but sometimes you'll find out the destination while you're on the journey.

So yeah, I still think about that, just grab my motorbike's key and earphones and powerbanks, pack some food, turn off my WhatsApp so nobody from work could reach me, and gone for the night, preferably not another shopping malls, hopefully to a beach, or mountain.

But I also realized it's a dream of a teenage boy, I can't do it now with all the works and responsibilities. But I'd like to think that we're all teenagers inside, we just know how to adult.

Which begs my next question, why? Why we give ourselves this much baggage, this much responsibilities. Why should we possess so much, why should we exchange our time to please bosses we hate so we can get that promotion and get more responsibilities.

Have you ever think about it? How suffocating this is.

All these rules of life, the do's and don'ts, the should and shouldn't, the pros and cons.

Are you guys not tired? Because I'm tired.

And I'm tired experiencing this alone.

Sure I have friends, but you can only expect so much from friends.

There are no places for me where I can be completely, utterly honest and saying this, because instead of understanding, usually they'll go on some "I have it worse" game, when in fact I just want to hear someone, anyone, says they understand, that there's nothing wrong with feeling like this, that it's okay to let go for a moment, to take a rest, to hit the pause button and do nothing.

FUCK THIS POST GOES DARK QUICK

Here's some Bane-Cat

But hey, it felt good writing blindly without a them, I guess sometimes wikihow got it right.

Perks of Pessimism

Have you ever feel inadequate? Like everything you do is just another day's works, nothing special.

You wake up, you take a bath, you go to work, you work, you go home, sometimes you do your hobbies, you go to sleep.

This is how I write, I put no extra effort into it other than the constant repetition it has been for the last decade.

This is how I think about things, sure it went through some changes overtime, but the basic logic is still there, again, I put no extra effort other than the fact how I think today - and in other cases as well,  just how I do things in my everyday life - is just an accumulation of the things I have experienced until this very second.

I never think, in any way, that I am special, or even above average.

If my grades when I was at University were anything to go by, I was dead average, I mean in High School I ranked around 12-15th out of 26 kids in my class.

I'm like Southampton FC

But then one day, your friend said a good thing or two about you, well and in this case, about me.

That I am good with words.

That it turns out I am good problem solver/troubleshooter, that I give good and practical advise.

That I have good taste in music.

Even one friend directly said to me that I am smarter than average and I can go far in life, he said it half-drunk, but drunk people are the honest one.

See, here's the thing.

I grew up in a family where saying good things is a rarity, I am never good enough, that I always have to strive to be the best.

I mean if I get 75 in a test that I'm expected to get 75, sure, why should my parents praised me, but if I get 75 in a subject that I'm struggling with and it took every bit of an inch of me to get to that, sure praise is due, right?

But no, anything less than a hundred is bad, so yeah, why bother.

So I stopped giving an effort, thanks to my slightly higher than average IQ - okay, this is the only thing that I'm aware that I'm above average, because there's a piece of paper stating it - I can just be there and at least get a B, if it's a subject that I'm not good at, I'd still get a C without putting into much effort.

College made it easier, where every task weighted differently, I channeled most of what's left of me into things that would help my overall grades, a 1000 words essay worth 5% of the grades? sorry won't do it.

Why am I writing this? So you can see where I'm coming from, and I know there are a lot of people who put all of their efforts but still can't get what I get, but likewise, I know that there are people that even I put all my efforts I still couldn't catch them.

There are hierarchies in life, might not be ideal, but it's the fact.

I think there's a shitload of a gap between "not good enough" and "the best", and maybe sometimes, saying that I have done good enough would be better than just keep pushing me and pushing me until I broke down and become the cynical bastard that I am.

I think if the focus is put in progress instead of the "the best" status, I would be better emotionally than I am right now.

So it's weird when people who I suspect grew up in an environment where it's normal to give compliments where its due, compliments me.

In the past few weeks, I have received more compliments than I had in the previous 3 years combined, probably, I'm guessing blindly here.

Ranged from "resourceful", to "you have beautiful eyelashes", and I am a dude.

I think, in a way, I am thankful for the fact that my family rarely said good things about me, it made my standard of what "good enough" is, slightly higher than most people.

And I guess I'm just surprised at how some of my friends perceive me.

It's a lot like being a pessimist, either I'm right - that in fact I am completely average or even bad at things and I am completely okay with that - or I am pleasantly surprised - that it turns out I am probably better at things than most.

Ah, the blessing of pessimists.

In Defense of Guilty Pleasure.

Thanks to my Siapkah Kau Untuk Jatuh Cinta Lagi Review, now I'm on Indonesian cheesy love song binge.

Which can go from HiVi, to Payung Teduh, to Sore, then Padi, Sheila On 7, to D'masiv, then ends it with RAN, Isyana, and The Adams

Here's the thing, at some point of our life, we became art snob.

I only watch movies with certain rating, only listen songs from certain musician, and read books from certain writers.

As I grow older, I found the terms "Guilty Pleasure" dishonest, there's nothing guilty about enjoying that badly made movie you enjoy while you are 7 years old.

The fact that you can enjoy Transformers Trilogy does not reduce your ability to understands let's say Interstellar.

The fact that right now I'm listening to Kahitna does not mean I can't appreciate Frank Chopin.

This happens a lot with the young-uns, I mean this still happen to a lot of people my age.

You like what you like, there's nothing wrong about it.

God knows how many kids from poor areas have the talent to be a great pianist, but never get exposed to it.

The fact that your taste varies, means you have lived a privileged live, where you're exposed to variety of arts.

The moral of the story: Don't be a snob

SIAPKAH KAW UNTU' JATUH CINTA LAGEEE - how it'd sound if Armand Maulana sing this song

I'm thinking of starting a series of posts where I talk about songs I like and why I like them.

But me being consistently inconsistent, I think "a series of posts" means "whenever I'm infatuated with one song I played it on repeat for a whole week"

Let's talk about HiVi's Siapkah Kau Untuk Jatuh Cinta Lagi.

Maybe this song is the most polite love songs to ever existed, and in a way, most realistic.

It's a conversation, it's politely asking whether you're ready to fall in love again or not after your last relationship ends, because let's be honest, people takes time to heal themselves, could be a week - good for you - or even years.

I mean I've seen my friends keep comparing other people they dated to - what's according to them -their best love even when the new guy/girl they date is even better in every single stats known to humanity.

We all have that special someone I guess, they unknowingly booked a little space in our hearts. - technically science already answer this, you equate love with whatever kind of love you get from your parents, so you're in love with familiarity, not necessarily the right kind of love for you, oh god I love science.

So with politely asking, and even letting them think about it, making it the most adult love songs to ever exist - exaggeration, I know.

This isn't even about that crazy feeling you feel when you're in love - technically, it's limerence - it's about realistic conversation you would have to endure when you're approaching someone with previous history of failed relationship - or a crush - and technically it's all of us.

I remember listening to this song nonstop while working at that beautifully isolated mountain.

I think as I grow older, I'm starting to find bittersweet things fascinating and much more intriguing, because our live is not a Fairy Tale, bittersweet is much more likely than happily ever after, because even happily ever after ends with death, and death after happily ever after is bittersweet.

So asking whether the other person is ready or not, means you're indirectly telling them that you care about them so much, that you're willing to give the control to them, and you're willing to wait in limbo.

Though in the song, the guy already answering with "yeah fuck it let's go", BUT THEN THE GUY ASKS THE SAME QUESTION.

What an ideal.

A conversation, means to understanding each other.

I mean the girl already letting the guy have the control, but even after that he's still politely asking whether she's ready to fall in love again too, what a beautiful world.

And now that I think a bit more, this is the most psychologically healthy love song too (sorry, another exaggeration), because with the conversations, means you're acknowledging the feelings you have and communicating it in a healthy way.

Now I'm asking myself, why the fuck I'm not doing this sooner, talking about songs actually felt good.

Well, Happy New Year 2018

Fun fact: it's a world cup year.

Another fun fact: I'm not really into celebrating new year's eve, it's too benign, too mundane for it to be something to celebrate lavishly.

I like it as a milestone, to keep track of things, to look back to the start of the year and realizing how much have changed, and not necessarily only the good things.

How I lost contact to some while also gaining new friends, how we do things that at the start of the year thought we wouldn't do,what we achieve without really meaning to and failing even after giving it all.

The ups and downs, the irony, it's life.

2018 would be my 27th year, by the next world cup year I would be 31 years old.

I'm as close to 12 years old as I am to 42, I used to tell people that i'd date people plus-minus 5 years, and that means 22 years old and 32 years old.

It's just a number, but it put things into perspective, like how i started this blog when i was 17 years old, this blog is the only constant i have in life other than my family.

reading old posts would be fun.

Let's get serious.

If 2017 have taught me anything, is that you can't plan your life. 

You can still plan the big picture, getting that Master's Degree require a planning, but the details, the small details will punch you in the gut when you least expected it.

It's the people, those you thought nothing of when you first met, slowly and suddenly turn into someone important, someone you hold in high regard and there's no way you're going to let them down, someone you turn to when you need help.

Then there are the constant, that friend(s) you know you can just chat them random shit and they'll reply with another random shit, then suddenly the conversation will turn into something serious, like how we all deserve to love and be loved.

It's the quite achievement, where while you're doing it you think nothing of it, but now looking back it's quite an achievement isn't it? Like me losing that 13 kilos in 5 months.

It's the songs, the smell, the shirt you wear to that occasion, the mindless talks at lunch, dinner, and some overtime at works, the stupid jokes you blurts while you're bored, oh and the flirts, that's the best isn't it?

Some will be saved digitally - bless technology - while much other will be just that, memories.

If I have to compare 2017 to 2016 or even 2015, in 2015 and 2016 I have definitive timeline to what I have achieve, for example I graduated on March 2015, got my first job on September 2015, ends in December 2015, got another job on August 2016.

See, clear timelines, while for 2017, I can't really put a exact timelines on things that I achieved, because it's more abstract, but in some ways makes me prouder.

If I have to summarize, my 2015-2016 achievement is about what I am, I am no longer a student, I worked here now I'm working here, while 2017 is about who I am as a person, and 2018 is about will I am 

Well, it's 4.42 in the morning and i need some sleep.

Happy New Year