epilogue

Joko Anwar tweeted

Indonesia has been increasingly intolerant. I don't recognize my country anymore. :(

— Joko Anwar (@jokoanwar) December 26, 2017

I can see where he is coming from, but for me, it's always been the illusion of tolerance.

Our tolerance is not the real one, it's a case of "as long as you're not being insolent, we're happy to let you live here"

emphasis on "let", implies that for native majority, they have sense of ownership, they own Indonesia, whatever that means, and other races are just sleeping in the couches.

Yeah the analogy is rude, but it's good for shock therapy.

they "let" other races live here for hundreds of years, and now they think that other races wants to take over their land.

fun fact dipshit, we're all immigrants, we're all fucking Africans, learn about human migration, open books other than your holy scripture.

and don't let me start on religions, Indonesian local religions is dead as far as I'm concerned, the six religions recognized by Government, all of them are imports, none of them are true Indonesian religions.

well, religions are kinda stupid.

another fun fact, loving your country is the stupidest concept i have ever heard, i pay taxes, i literally pay to live here, it's never "your country is giving it to you", it's always "you're country is managing your money"

ga ditonton malah menang

I have a thing for words, sentences, poems, or a prose.

Any set of words that can pull a string in me, makes me go "ah shit" or "wadaw", i'm on it.

I mean i like to write, it makes perfect sense that i like to read other people writings.

But there's something about sad writings, whether it's about unrequited love, lost friends, or even about the absurdity of life, how in the grand scheme of things, we're just a part of cosmic dust, figuratively speaking.

I mean, I'm currently not in love, i have few people that i thought "oh cute" and I like talking to them, but not in love, don't have a crush either. The last time I've been in love is like 9 years ago, if i'm being a jerk and tell myself that I'm not in love in the only relationship i had at that time 9 years ago, that means I've never been in love, but that's semantic and being an asshole.

Not saying i'm a robot, I have close friends who grew apart just because, I have liked someone, or even crushing hard on someone, and of course with it being unrequited, i too have felt sadness, but the bigger the feeling, the feedback will be worse as well. Having your crush not liking you back is already sucks, imagine being in love.

I guess with the quotes and the poems and the prose, is that it gives me a glimpse to that sensation, the sensation of being truly in love - not a fling, a crush, or a infatuation, but love - and in turns, how broken heart feels.

I guess that's why i like reading those quotes and poems and prose, because i'm shit with my emotion and reading other people putting it into words helps me putting my emotions into things that i can understand - a collection of words, sentences.

But hey, any kind of quotes that makes me "that's good" is cool, like this one;

"Let the past die, kill it, if you have to" - Kylo fucking Ren.

(y)

It's December, it's already the end of the year, which means now is reflecting time.

Well well well, where do I start?

This year started with me passing my probation period at work.

Bought a motorcycle on May.

And the last 6 months is nothing short of breathtakingly awesome, whatever that means.

On July I decided to lose some weight, i was 89 kg, it was too much.

On August my senior at the office resigned, fate force me to step up and take responsibility.

On August as well i'm having a crush on someone for the first time since 2013, a crush so hard it forced me to re-evaluate everything about myself, about what i want to do and what i want to have in life.

A crush so hard, it broke every mental defense i've set.

On September I said yes on a blind date offer, first time in my life. At that time it felt like it could go somewhere, at that point i felt like everything is on track, but like everything in life, shit happens.

But the difference is that this time I'm not letting it affect me that much.

Yes there are conflicting feelings of anger, sadness, and disappointment, but also thankful, because at that point, at certain moments, i was genuinely happy.

Suffice to say nothing much has changed since then, but there are few notable changes that i can't put a timeline.

I lost 10kilos, currently at 78-79kg, depends on whether i pooped or not.

My effort of repeatedly buzz-cut my hair finally negate a decade of me having shitty curly, now it's wavy.

I eat better, i dress better, i think better, i'm letting myself feel things.

I'm happier, i guess.

I mean when the transition happen, i can't really differentiate the before and after, there's no one single moment where my state of mind changed, it's a gradual process of wising up.

I feel content with everything i have control over, i mean i would like to increase my height to solid 180 but i have no control for that.

I think, with life, that "one moment" doesn't exist, I mean the eureka - the point of realization - is there, but it arrives after the process.

Imagine you're friends with someone, after years then you finally realize "ahh, I can't live without her/him"

You don't suddenly become close friend, it's a process.

The moment of realization arrive after you're putting in the effort necessary, whether you put it consciously or not, like that math test, you tried and tried with all possible formulas, then after so many failures you realize where you were wrong before, but it comes after trying.

I guess why a lot of us are afraid of getting it wrong in life because some mistakes will take a lifetime to recover, compared to bad math test where you can improve on the next test next month, if you fall in love - and fall deep - to someone who happens not to love you back, man, can't imagine how that feels.

then there's the pride, that you fail, and you feel people judge you for it. well, some do, but most won't care.

If i can meet myself from a year ago, we definitely will have a hell of a discussion about a lot of things, but probably most of it would be about us.