A draft I need to publish as a reminder for myself

i think i need help.

no, i am not thinking about suicide, this is something worse than that.

suicide means game over, and it's the most selfish way to die, but you die.

but this is something worse than suicide; you're getting less and less empathetic as years gone by, but you can act as if you're a functional human being.

i can't relate with a lot of things, i can logically understands it, but i can't feel it.

take other people being happy because they get married. I can logically understand that my friend is happy, she/he found someone who is hopefully the love of their life, they'll build a family, hopefully only death do them apart.

but i'm not happy, why should i? it's not my life, yes they get married, but i still have to go to work just like before they get married, their big event is just another marriage reception i have to attend.

i can see when someone close to me is sad, in fact i'm quick at noticing the change of atmosphere of people around me, but because i trained myself to it, because i misread shitload of situations before.

i don't have friends i want to meet on the weekend, i don't have anything i look forward to other than slates of movies and comics and movies

i'm going auto, i need help

**

I should have realized when I was writing this that I need help.

But I do get help, for a whole lot different reasons, but it helps.

I guess this post is buried among hundreds of drafts that are too personal to share, but I need to share this as a reminder, how my mind works at that darkest moments.

And to think this was written in January.

Sleepless Rainy Nights

"if you really want it you'll fight it" is good and dandy if what you really want is a thing, not someone.

Someone brings unpredictability to the calculation, the only variable we can't control.

I think if fighting for what you really want is perseverance, then knowing when to stop fighting and channeling your energy to something else is wisdom.

Because sometimes, that certain someone just won't get into you, no matter how hard to try.

For me, when it works, it just works, not just in that particular problem, but even when playing team sports, you'll know when it works, it feels effortless.

Sure you'll have to put an effort, running, kicking the ball, etc, but it feels effortless, if feels just right.

It supposed to feel like home, like you're always belong here, and suddenly life is getting a little brighter, a little colorful, a little pastel.

Don't mistake the feeling of effortless and not putting an effort, because when I liked the subject in my college days, I'll put the effort, but it would feel effortless.

Why writing this?

Well shit happens, and I just got home from drunk story sessions with office mates, well, they're much more than office mates now, they're friends.

One person said this very thing, which got me thinking, how do you know it's enough? Where is the line? That when it goes past that line, it's okay to give up.

The answer is I don't fucking know mate, life is a gamble, I guess.

I hate life, I hate the fact that there is no exact rule as to how to live a life.

But I think that's the beauty of it.

The fact that despite getting thrown into this shitty life we're not asking, we survive.

I guess I just want that sense of longing.

That I belong to somewhere, someone

Maybe I ask too much.

Me, Myself, and I - Part 2 kayaknya udah pernah pake judul ini dulu

Feelings is never my strong suit, well it was until i was 5 according to my mom.

As far as i remember i've never feel a great joy nor a great sadness, but i do feel both.

I feel joy when i buy something i've always wanted for a long time, i feel sadness when i realise that there are some people who actually very alike but because one or both of them decided to hide their real face for unknown reasons, they never know how similar both of them are.

But Love, have I ever feel love? Have I ever been in love?

What is love? Is wanting the other person to be yours can be considered love? What’s the difference between love and limerence? 

I do feel and understand attraction, but love? I know it started from surface attraction, whether it was physical, or something else – the love object likes the same thing, for example.

If I have to use my limited experience in courting female as a case study, it would be very limited, but I have no other data so here we are.

All of it started with a sudden burst of attraction, then an infatuation.

A crush.

Crushing means her response is the greatest drugs our brain could ever experience, and her rejection will drive us to the depth of disturbing self pity.

Crushing means we’re going to talk to them, whatever the topic would be, we just need to talk to them.

Then this is where shit happens.

At least for me, she must be able to keep the conversation going, not in a keep-talking-in-12-hours-nonstop way, even though that would be the ideal, but the ability to have a witty conversation is a must, boringness is the deal breaker.

Then the boring parts, trying to read something in between lines while giving obvious question to check the compatibility, what kind of movie do you like? What kind of music do you listen to? What makes you tick? Do you think Hospital Cinere is the stupidest name in the whole world on the basis that it was grammatically wrong in every level imaginable? Do you think dog understand that we love them so much?

Then you check all the lists you have, when the score is above 60 you think you can commit to this person.

But this is all logic, and even I know that love is not like that.

So what is love? On what basis that someone decides that they love someone else? On what basis that someone decided that "yes, let's be exclusive"

I don’t know about love, but I know when I like someone, not necessarily in romantic way

If I decide to talk to you eventho it’s about nothing, you bet I like you.

If I ask you how you’re feeling, you can bet 100k that I like you and you’ll win 100k because you’ll win.

Fuck, if I decide to let you in into my shitty boring life, you bet your ass that I think you’re good.

Because I hate people, I hate them a lot, I hate the fact that they can be so fucking stupid and not aware of it.

The  fact that I tolerate you means that  in my eyes, you’re already better than most people, because I just don't  ask “what are you doing right now?” because I don’t care, other people mundane life means nothing to me, I hate mundane things, but your mundane things is at least something.

The problem is differentiating the friendly likes and the like likes.

I mean, like I have always said, I have no problem being alone and slightly lonely, but I also have no problem having someone who doubles as mild disturbance and emotional support.

People reading this would probably think why the fuck do i need to write about this, you'll just know when you like someone, right?

The problem is, I don't.

When I try to recall about my last girlfriend, it's a combination of infatuation and the fact that we talked almost everyday about everything, then one day the feelings just gone. When it's gone i have no problem breaking up because continuing such relationship is bad for both of us, i would have to lie and she'll have to endure relationship based on a lie.

My problem with myself is that i have to understand the logic for me to be able to accept it.

You can say it's a defensive mechanism to avoid getting broken heart, because it's sucks, and i hate sucks.

And this is what i would write if i were still the old me.

I mean i still don't really understand feelings, but instead of putting it on a pedestal and focusing too much on logic, I'll try to use my logic to help me understand my feelings as much as possible.