thank you

Hidup saya sedang gonjang ganjing.

I won't say the cause, but i must say it makes me reevaluate my life, what is important and what isn't.

In the past few years I've been putting price on things, like how much marriage worth? is it worth it to go on a date for 300k? Is it worth it to spend i don't know, 1 million a day so you can have fun with your closed ones?

Well, i think the answer is yes.

Because the value of sharing your life is worth more than a mere 300k - but i mean be realistic, i'm not saying that you shouldn't calculate your budget - but in the grand scheme of things, it is worth it.

I've set up these rules, what i should do and shouldn't, one of them is that if the ending is bad, why the hell do we put an effort in it?

But like movies, and musics, just because it ends doesn't mean we can't enjoy it while it lasts.

This event makes me reach out to people, it make me realise that i have this pent up feeling on my chest that i have to let go.

And reaching out i am.

I used to accept that i will end up lonely, that my friends will move on with their life without me, and how wrong was i.

one of my friend, just because i chatted her, knows i have something to talk about.

I always take pride in my ability to perceive things, how aware i am with my surroundings, with my feelings, but it always comes from detachment, as if i was a bird looking from above, but i guess it felt nice to know people observe you as well, that she can find out what my intentions were just by chatting.

It felt nice knowing people care about you, and i think i should remind myself about this everyday

that i deserve to pursue something that makes me happy, no matter how futile it might seem, i mean if it fails - like that through pass i tried few days ago - at worst you'll learn something new from your mistake.

I think the obvious take away is that i deserve to be happy, well, we all deserve to be happy.

I continue to think that i have a checklist i need to complete, and  only by then i can start trying to be happy, but isn't it better to have support system - be it a circle of close friends or a significant other - while doing that checklist thing.

I mean if she/he/they really feel you're worth it - and i think we're all worth something to somebody - they wouldn't have any problem to help you - us - to get to that point in life where we feel content.

Borrowing from Pacific Rim, we all need someone to share the neural load of riding Jaeger to face life.

You know what, i'm going to reread that chat again, and just admiring the fact that i have friends that will support me, my uncle ben's and my aunt may's, my mary jane watson's and my harry osborn's

Oh and my sister, these past few days have been awesome for both of us, addressing things that needs addressing.

And my playlist changes from slow and sad love songs to happy and upbeat love songs.

All in all, this helps me to come to terms with my soul.

Suddenly i think about what other people think when they see me turn into someone who is so bitter and pessimistic.

Well, if this thing ends up not working, at least i have this.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

I always take pride on my ability to see between the lines and understanding new and/or complex idea at the shortest time.

I like analysing things, it's where the fun comes from you know? whether that dude likes that girl or whether that girl likes him back? Or observing the pattern of Jakarta's traffic you find the perfect time to go to work - it's between 8.45 - 8.50 btw - so i can get there faster.

The problem is, to do all of this, you should do it from the outside, detached from the condition, as the others.

It means i have little to no experience in involving myself with something and/or someone.

When something that force me to be involve or i'm inconveniently involved in it, my mind goes overdrive, analysing things automatically while in the same time fully aware that i'm in this, that i'm one of the factor in this puzzle that i must consider.

To make my mind stop working, i have to consciously fight it.

More often than not, i'm having conversation with other version of myself, playing devil's advocate to every single hypotheses i come out with.

And this time, the conclusion is:

"Let's be simple"

Well, simple does not equal easy, but it's least burden on my mind.

S*****e

Saya benci mimpi waktu tidur, karena lebih capek pas bangun daripada tidur yg sekejap tiba-tiba pagi.

Entah dosa apa saya, setiap mimpi saya terasa begitu nyata dan more often than not, i can still remember few details of my dreams for a few days, dan kadang dunia mimpi 100 kali lebih ideal dari dunia nyata - no shit sherlock - waktu bangun malah yang ada cuma sisa-sisa sense of longing yang sebenernya gatau dan gajelas juga longing buat/ke siapa.

karena meskipun secara sadar saya tahu yang barusan saya alami itu mimpi, saya juga kalau kemungkinan besar mimpi saya ada apa yang saya secara tidak sadar benar-benar inginkan.

Saudade, namanya.

 "is a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves."

Buat orang dengan kesulitan menjalin koneksi kayak saya, sensasi Saudade ini cuma bikin mbathin.

I'd like to think that every dream i had all these time, was a sneak peak to another me in another universe, a universe where there's this guy named Nico that is slightly more optimistic, slightly less cynical, and a little bit adventurous with his life, and equally witty as this one who currently writes this very post.

Where after I wake up and continue in this world where Donald Trump is President of US of A, another universe which i saw in my dreams continue to exists.

limerence my ass

jadi ternyata, ada penjelasan ilmiah dibalik naksir orang, dan batas antara naksir sehat dan naksir ga sehat itu tipis.

naksir ga sehat itu nama nya limerence, kalo kata wikipedia,

"is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated."

basically heads over heels with someone.

intinya adalah kalo lagi naksir orang, yg penyebabnya berhubungan sama evolutionary psychology yg gw ga ngerti dan agak ga yakin juga kenapa tipe gw selalu asia timur - Chinese, Japanese, dan Korean - otak kita ngerilis hormon yg sama kayak waktu lagi narkoba-an.

nah limerence ini dopamine nya kebanyakan, jadi slightly obsessive, dan gw akuin ini rutin kejadian sama gw.

dalam sejarah hidup gw, ada kasus dimana gw naksir cewe nih, sampe gw harus ngomong "pergi dari pala guah", dan scene Sherlock ketika dia lagi mecahin kasus setengah mabok trus ada Irene Adler dikepala doi tiba2, itu gambaran paling tepat soal limerence ini. Karena gw bisa aja jadi functional human being, tiba2 dia muncul dikepala gw, dan gw harus fight biar ilang.

oke ini extreme sih, dan some people more likely to experience this, dan gw biasanya 2-3 bulan normal lagi dan normal artinya adalah eksistensi si object jadi ga penting.

NAH

kalo kita tahu bahwa jatuh cinta itu adalah chemical reactions + evolutionary psychology, are we really in love?