menyala abangku

If there is one thing that sometimes brought my ego back to the earth, is the fact that even with what I have achieved and what I did and still do to make myself a better person, is that sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like I am always the outsider.

Everybody always have their first priority friend, those they'll prioritise, and they'll come to me once all of their priorities are met. 

That's probably why I got triggered by people I like not texting me back, it's like babies who does not understand object permanence, my brain thinks (unconsciously) that if the other is not consistently giving me feedback, they're probably abandoning me as we speak. 

Then I read somewhere that while being known is mortifying ordeal, it is the only way that we can build connections, yes all this love is all mine and I have lots of it, for others to be able to see me, I have to shamelessly asking for it. 

Look at me

I need you (my friends) to be in and around me

I'm learning to just say what I feel. 

"kita ngobrol ini buat pdkt apa temenan aja?" 

"kayaknya gue mulai agak tertarik lagi sm lo" 

"chat gue dong gaes gue ga ikut ke GIAAS I feel left out" 

Also relating to first paragraph, that I always feel like I'm the outsider, there is this one picture that somehow made me realize that probably I'm the one that is not open enough and other people put me in pedestal

I scored my second goal and the whole bench celebrating, maybe, just maybe, I am loved. 

They celebrated with joy my simple achievement (a shitty goal)

A person told me she liked me, a lot, uncontrollably, my first thought was "what is it that you like so much about me?" 

Maybe, just maybe, I should just allowed her to my life and let her decide whether she's still willing to continue liking me. 

I think for some people where a positive emotion was always and still is associated with achievement, seeing someone liking me for me being me is weird. 

This will be unfiltered, I hope, mabok sanadryl soalnya.

So in the past year or so I dated and broke up, someone fancied me and I did not fancied her, then someone asked me out without even knowing me that much, then someone crushing on me to the point she's asking around regarding my relationship status, all the while I'm actually getting close to someone. 

All of this still without my closest friend who happens to be female (hi lun) told me to my face that I am handsome, and she told me whenever some ladies glanced at me (some sampe patah leher) 

Adding into this that I currently am doing a good job, can be better, but don't care enough. 

My self esteem is at the highest point. 

I need something to bring it down, even my chubby stomach won't stop me. 

So you swiped right, and you talked for a bit and you think, "hmm, she is fun to talk to"

Then you meet for the first time, a quick date, just a sushi and a coffee, 3 hours tops, and you think "ahh she is fun, hopefully we can meet again" 

Then you talked for the whole week, plan another meet, this time even shorter but you make it work anyway. 

"ah hope we can spend more time" 

Then you go to a music festival for 2 days straight together, 20 hours together, and it feels nice, calming even, you think you can spend another 20 hours together and won't feel bored. 

The drive home was nice, not much to talk to, sing a little bit.

Then suddenly it ends, but you can't wait to meet again. 

I still don't know where this is all going, but I think this might work. 

Hopeful this might work. 

Saya tipe orang yang selalu berpikir there are always something better out there, but for the past few months I've stopped thinking like that. 

Maybe, just maybe, this is good enough, can be better, but there are worse things. 

I like my current team at work, I like my current football boots, I'm even thinking of downgrading my car. 

I'm not the most handsome person out there, I'm not the most anything, but I think I am good enough to be liked and loved. 

She has a good base, I think, I like myself when I'm around her. 

She's looking for someone to listen to her weird stories, me too, and I'll listen to her whenever she tell me something. 

Hopeful